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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Online Dating! Clash of 'boundaries'

17 replies

oranges29 · 13/06/2023 20:20

I matched with this guy on bumble over the weekend. The conversation only really got started today, after a very brief exchange of messages he asks me for my number or social media so that we can continue the conversation off the app. I politely declined, and said I would like to keep the conversation on the app for a bit. That’s just my preference, I never give out my number immediately. I prefer not to have a bunch of randoms having my number or on my socials before I’ve even decided if I like them/want to continue to speak to them. He then basically says it’s a boundary of his to not have elongated conversions on the app, and therefore brought our conversation to a swift end. I would understand if we were speaking for days on end, this conversation pretty much happened in the space of 30 minutes lol

Perhaps I’m overthinking this, I do believe people can pick and choose who they speak to and can end a conversation for whatever reason they choose but I got a weird vibe from this exchange. It felt a bit controlling/manipulate/rigid/uncompromising/unreasonable rather than boundary setting.

I don’t know if either of us are being unreasonable here but I’d be interested in your thoughts?

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 13/06/2023 20:21

I think you dodged a bullet there. He sounds tiresome and rigid, or possibly just a bog-standard sex pest.

GottaGirlcrush · 13/06/2023 20:22

It's so he can get a good look at you on your social media!

Original poster

oranges29 · 13/06/2023 20:32

PonyPatter44 · 13/06/2023 20:21

I think you dodged a bullet there. He sounds tiresome and rigid, or possibly just a bog-standard sex pest.

Yes I thought this too! He sounds like someone that would be difficult to deal with, things would likely have to be on his terms or he will withdraw. I wonder if he also expected me to back down and change my mind as he didn't unmatch me after the fact.

I find his behaviour interesting as there was lots of talk on his profile about being emotionally intelligent, empathy, self-aware, looking for a meaningful connection but his behaviour doesn't match up ... not to me anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

oranges29 · 13/06/2023 20:34

GottaGirlcrush · 13/06/2023 20:22

It's so he can get a good look at you on your social media!

I did think this too - and I have had this before where the conversation fizzles out when I don't give up my socials. I'm just not used to people coating it as a boundary their setting. That bit has thrown me

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 13/06/2023 20:35

He sounds like hard work. I think you're well off out of it.

EatYourVegetables · 13/06/2023 20:37

Gaslighting fucker.

I find that people who talk on and on about how they are great with people, really good listeners, very emphatic and emotionally intelligent are usually self centered oblivious asshats.

QWE96 · 13/06/2023 20:44

When I was online dating, this was so common. I date men and women, but found it was predominantly men who asked. Their common excuse was "I don't get notifications from this app". So change that on settings?

I agree with you - definitely not boundary setting, but a manipulation tactic imo.

I reckon he was either trying to have a stalk on social media or attempting to move it off the app, so he could be a sex pest without the dating app ban... Either way, well rid!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/06/2023 20:59

Yeah that’s not a boundary (on his part) it’s trying to walk over yours. Manipulation dressed up as a boundary.

Youve dodged a bullet there.

In a way it’s a good test as anyone decent will say “no problem” to you not being ready to move off the app yet.

Original poster

oranges29 · 13/06/2023 21:10

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/06/2023 20:59

Yeah that’s not a boundary (on his part) it’s trying to walk over yours. Manipulation dressed up as a boundary.

Youve dodged a bullet there.

In a way it’s a good test as anyone decent will say “no problem” to you not being ready to move off the app yet.

Agreed. Definitely weeds out timewasters and those who are uncomfortable with the word 'no' and things not being completely on their terms.

OP posts:

BigPussyEnergy · 13/06/2023 21:13

I only give out my number once we agreed to set a date to meet, just in case we need to change plans.

Men who insist they want to speak to you outside of the app then delete your match asap so you can’t report them and then send you a dick pic on WhatsApp!

Bullet dodged.

Oysterbabe · 13/06/2023 21:16

Probably planned to scam you in some way.

HomesUnderTheWestHammers · 13/06/2023 21:33

I once went out with someone who described himself as a "nice guy". He was anything but. That profile wittering on about being self-aware and emotionally intelligent is a red flag...people who are genuinely those things don't say or advertise it! Bullet dodged OP. On to the next!

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 21:38

Haha I hope I am not about to get slated. I am him in female form! Not after 30 minutes, but after 3 days.

I find that it works better for me when the match, chat and meet happen swiftly so I don't built up and idealised version of them in my head and then ultimately get disappointed that they don't match up to my Prince charming view.

When someone is unsure if they want to take a punt at a meet early on, then I start to wonder if they are on it to seriously meet or just to play the 'ego validation' game.

I wouldn't call it a boundary and I also wouldn't force WhatsApp. I definitely would ask to look at their social media before we met so I could feel safer they weren't catfishing.

I wonder if this is OK cos I am female?

Original poster

oranges29 · 14/06/2023 13:45

Sunnyfeelgood · 13/06/2023 21:38

Haha I hope I am not about to get slated. I am him in female form! Not after 30 minutes, but after 3 days.

When someone is unsure if they want to take a punt at a meet early on, then I start to wonder if they are on it to seriously meet or just to play the 'ego validation' game.

I wouldn't call it a boundary and I also wouldn't force WhatsApp. I definitely would ask to look at their social media before we met so I could feel safer they weren't catfishing.

I wonder if this is OK cos I am female?

I don’t think you’re alone in this, I think what you’ve said is fair. I m just kinda like to take a little more time than 30 minutes lol. I typically like to have at least a few days of talking before exchanging phone numbers or socials and then maybe another week or two before going out on a date.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 14/06/2023 14:12

I guess it depends how you define a boundary as we tend to think of boundaries as not allowing a certain behaviour rather than insisting on another....however it doesn't sound that odd. I've spoken to men using dating sites. It's really hard for them to get women to engage and then more drop out at the chatting stage. Some people, men and woman chose to only engage with people who are up for a date within a few text messages. That's OK too. It's finding someone who thinks similarly to you. There's no right or wrong. Both your approaches are reasonable.

verdantverdure · 14/06/2023 14:13

Trampling over you very first boundary?

Nope.

He won't be anything like his profile states.

Jibo · 14/06/2023 22:25

Big red flag... If you still have his profile, please report him.

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