Do you split your time evenly between adult DC / or do your parents?

brainbrian · 2023-06-13T15:22:43+00:00

Just curious if there’s really a need for everything to always be 50 50, presuming both live nearby. YABU = yes YANBU = no

mynameiscalypso · 13/06/2023 16:23

My parents seem to try to - I find it a bit annoying at times (just because they've spent time with by DB, doesn't mean they need to spend time with me just to make it fair!)

Weal · 13/06/2023 16:39

My parents used to attempt to be 50/50 with everything well into our adulthood. Eg exact same amount of presents each at xmas etc. it was really weird because we didn’t care at all. They stopped now because they see my brother so rarely….partly because they didn’t develop an adult relationship with him.

Are you talking about propers adults adults or 18/19 year olds. I think some young adults might be sensitive to feelings of unfairness if there is a difficult dynamics with a Sibling so maybe in that situations parents need to be more awareness of “fairness”.

IloveRickyGervaisAndHisTeeth · 13/06/2023 16:40

DH and I spend/have spent more time with one AC than the other, as there are grandchildren with that AC. That will change soon, as the other AC is expecting a baby - next week!

Original poster

brainbrian · 13/06/2023 16:41

Weal · 13/06/2023 16:39

My parents used to attempt to be 50/50 with everything well into our adulthood. Eg exact same amount of presents each at xmas etc. it was really weird because we didn’t care at all. They stopped now because they see my brother so rarely….partly because they didn’t develop an adult relationship with him.

Are you talking about propers adults adults or 18/19 year olds. I think some young adults might be sensitive to feelings of unfairness if there is a difficult dynamics with a Sibling so maybe in that situations parents need to be more awareness of “fairness”.

Adults in their twenties and thirties with families of their own

OP posts:

Infusionist · 13/06/2023 16:43

My parents saw me more when my eldest was born, now they’re spending more time helping my brother with his slightly tricky baby. No one worries about favouritism (if that’s on your mind), because they’re there for both of us when we need them

Laiste · 13/06/2023 16:44

In an ideal world with everyone having the same amount of free time on days which are equally convenient to everyone and with everyone actually equally keen to spend time together at that moment - then yes. 50/50 is achievable.

But in the real world all of the above is unlikely.

Iwannabeadog · 13/06/2023 16:47

No, my parents have always been available when we need them. But for example at the moment my Dsis needs more help (2 ND kids and a knobhead ex), whereas my life is currently calm - so they are more involved in her life day to day than mine.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/06/2023 16:49

MIL lives with us so we see more of her than BIL and his family do, but she generally makes sure that she sees people as much as they’d like.

SIL loves the relationship she has with MIL, and that DN has, but she’d hate what I have with her. Even an exact 50/50 would be too much.

If everyone is happy then it doesn’t matter on exact split. If someone feels left out or that the other sibling(s) is a bigger priority or favoured then it’s more problematic-BIL’s ex used to keep a mental note of what time we saw PIL and when they did and once loudly complained that we’d had 25 minutes more that week.

Weal · 13/06/2023 16:50

In their 20/30s I would have thought that your time with them would have been based on availability of each person and/or needs of each person (for example you might be with a child more if they are struggling or just had a new baby).

Are they saying they feel you spilt time unfairly?

Marmite27 · 13/06/2023 16:50

My DB has moved back to my parents following his marriage ending, so definitely not!

MogTheMoogle · 13/06/2023 17:11

There is 5 years between me and my sister. I wouldn't say we spend equal time with my parents. I live about 30/45 mins away and my sister lives 2 hours away.

I probably see my parents more "socially" - meeting for coffee, shopping, whatever and anywhere from a couple of hours after work, to most of the day.

Whereas visits from/to my sister are a little more "occasion" based - and normally I would join, so I suppose she has much less 121 time, but she's just as in control of that to my parents - I wouldn't be upset, nor would my parents insist I was included.

Neither of us have children so I suppose that would have a big impact

In terms of fairness if siblings live in equal distance....its a 2 way relationship in adulthood. Its also very situation based. It's one thing to have, say 2 siblings - where one meets for coffee, pops in every other day, where the other just isn't available or interested. Its quite another for 1 sibling to be constantly "turned down" for meeting up over the other sibling.

Original poster

brainbrian · 16/06/2023 19:23

Thank you everyone. I am one of the adult DC in this. Sister is a SAHM and close to my parents, my DM will call her each day and they catch up for an hour plus in the morning
I have a busy job which means mornings aren’t good for me but often try the phone on lunchtimes and evenings, and it always goes to voicemail. I feel quite disheartened about it and just wanted to know what was the norm

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 16/06/2023 19:38

It’s completely normal for relationships with adult DC to be different based on geographical factors, time constraints, common interests, and all kinds of other things. I would find it very odd if parents were trying to make everything 50/50 for grown ups. Just be grown up about it?

saraclara · 16/06/2023 19:43

brainbrian · 16/06/2023 19:23

Thank you everyone. I am one of the adult DC in this. Sister is a SAHM and close to my parents, my DM will call her each day and they catch up for an hour plus in the morning
I have a busy job which means mornings aren’t good for me but often try the phone on lunchtimes and evenings, and it always goes to voicemail. I feel quite disheartened about it and just wanted to know what was the norm

I would normally see my DD s broadly 50:50. But one of them is home on maternity leave so I see her more often at the moment. Generally I see them both together once a week, the mum an extra once a week, and the other an extra once every two or three weeks.

I can imagine that if the one on maternity leave lived a bit closer is probably see her more often as I'd be able to easily help her with the little ones.
It's not about favouritism though. Just availability.

Weal · 17/06/2023 08:56

brainbrian · 16/06/2023 19:23

Thank you everyone. I am one of the adult DC in this. Sister is a SAHM and close to my parents, my DM will call her each day and they catch up for an hour plus in the morning
I have a busy job which means mornings aren’t good for me but often try the phone on lunchtimes and evenings, and it always goes to voicemail. I feel quite disheartened about it and just wanted to know what was the norm

It always goes to voicemail. Have you ask your mum why it always goes to voicemail? When you call?

Do you have a history of feeling your sister gets more time than you or is this a recent thing?

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 17/06/2023 10:06

It depends on so many things. Daily contact with a parent is generally pretty unusual in my experience. I live very close to my parents and do have a lot of contact although partly as my Mum has Alzheimer's and they need support. On the other hand all 3 of my siblings live 1-2 hours away so contact is far less frequent and that's how we all like it! We have a family WhatsApp group we all write on regularly so I think we're all pretty close but in terms of direct contact I have way more.

starrynight21 · 17/06/2023 10:11

My DC are in their 30's, married with kids. DD lives 1 hour drive away , and I go there every week for three days ( including sleeping over) to help with her kids. DS lives 15 minutes away, I see them about once a week , just for lunch or a coffee and to see their baby. When they were kids I always tried for perfectly equal time, but as adults I just see them when and as needed or wanted. We all text quite often, just little messages about twice a week . It all works out fine.

hiredandsqueak · 17/06/2023 10:13

Pretty much yes as they tend to turn up here together as they are close and come to see me and their adult siblings who live at home. I do enjoy it when they are all here together as they take on the roles they used to have when they were small and it makes me laugh.

Seeline · 17/06/2023 10:20

brainbrian · 16/06/2023 19:23

Thank you everyone. I am one of the adult DC in this. Sister is a SAHM and close to my parents, my DM will call her each day and they catch up for an hour plus in the morning
I have a busy job which means mornings aren’t good for me but often try the phone on lunchtimes and evenings, and it always goes to voicemail. I feel quite disheartened about it and just wanted to know what was the norm

Is your mum out and about during the evening?
Have you asked her when is the best time to call her?

ChadCMulligan · 17/06/2023 10:23

My parents don't for three main reasons

We have the grandchildren, my brother doesn't
We are more willing and able to visit them and spend time with them
We are more able to put them up for extended periods of time

As a result for the last four years it's looked more like (per year, not sum over four years) them spending six weeks with us, us spending six weeks with them.

Them spending two weeks with my brother and my brother spending one week with them.

We all live far enough away from each other that only multi day stays make sense

However, in the last year and a half my brother has acquired a dog and as surrogate grandchild there is more dog boarding going on and seeing each other

Redshoeblueshoe · 17/06/2023 10:28

Are you ringing her every day ? Because that's what it sounds like.

Didicat · 17/06/2023 10:33

Nope - not equal and family relations annoyed at mum apart from the favoured child. Mum give 99% to one out of 4 sisters… I’m one of the other three who has verbally told favoured child that she is expected to step up to the plate if parents need caring for as she’s had all their energy and time.

my children don’t see their granny because she is too busy ferrying golden child around……

wont be surprised if the inheritance favours her…….

Naunet · 17/06/2023 10:50

Not even remotely! My dad is out of the picture, but my mum spends most of her time doting on my arsehole brother, running around clearing up his messes for him. Next in line is my younger sister who she sees maybe once a week or slightly less and pays for her to come on holiday with her every year (she sometimes pays for my brother too).

And then there’s me who gets a text maybe once every few months, last text I sent her was about 3 weeks ago and she’s still not replied, and she’s never invited, much less paid for me to come on holiday with her! To be fair I have always lived further away than my brother and sister so I’ve never expected regular visits, but it’s almost always been me going to see her, except when I lived in london and she would have a training course to attend there so would want to stay at mine for the night.

I’m past caring at this point, but when she’s older and needs help, she can turn to my brother (who will do fuck all), because I certainly won’t be helping her.

zingally · 17/06/2023 11:56

To be fair, my mum tries to, but my older sister isn't very willing to engage as much as mum would like.

They went through a difficult patch when sis was in her early 20s, which sis has struggled to move past. Sis also has Autism, which manifests for her in difficulty around social situations and understanding societal norms.