Hi all,
Its important for me to start off by saying that my experience of relationships growing up was not good. I was neglected as a child and my father was absent. My mother had a few confusing relationships and as a teenager and young adult I had many unhealthy relationships myself. My poor mum suffered childhood abuse and neglect herself and her mum also had a string of dysfunctional relationships. I am aware this makes me sensitive to any red flags or anything slightly uncomfortable in my own marriage. I am the person who is going to break this generational cycle. I have daughters so it’s very important to me that I model the best I can for them.
My dh is a good person. He is hard working and he dedicates his life to us. He very rarely does anything for himself and does more than 50% of household stuff including mental load.
However, he is a man of few words. He has always been a introvert and a quiet person. He is not a great communicator and I have accepted this as he has lots of other great qualities.
What I can’t make sense of of why I feel there is something not right in my marriage and if it’s my expectations are off. I have never in my life observed what a healthy relationship looks like. So this has me thinking it’s me.
I have asked for a divorce any my reasons are:
Dh is always doing stuff at home but never actually present with me and the dc. He literally spends 99% of his time doing bits and bobs around the home but it never feels like he actually gets much done. It feels like he will find anything to do rather than spend quality time with us.
He appears miserable most of the time. I feel he does not enjoy family life. He says he is fine and he is just very busy. To me he’s a bit of a martyr. He tells me everything he does in his life is for me and the dc and he puts all his wants and feelings aside for us but I have told him I don’t see that in action and actually if it makes you so miserable that is counterproductive for the family and not doing anything good for us. I admit he does do lots but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal for a man it woman with children.
He makes me feel like a burden. Like he has to dedicate his whole life to me and it’s a chore for him. He says this is not true but it really appears that it is. I said he acts like he’s my carer and I’m a burden to his life. I’m actually an independent person with a ‘big job’ and was a successful single parent before we met.
He has no patience for dc. He gets into back and forth arguments with them despite me discussing that it’s not the best action to unwanted behaviour and just escalates any meltdowns. He shows little warmth to any of us.
I feel he has contempt for me.
He will often question what I’m doing in a way that makes me feel like I’m lazy or again a burden. Like if I’m late for work he will ask what time I’m going but it’s just time that I find quite sneering if that makes sense.
If one of us is I’ll he says he takes care of us (mostly dc I can care for myself) but I don’t see it. I admit he will bring drinks etc but he seems switched off to any emotions or pain. He shows no sympathy when dc are poorly or having a hard time. To be fair he never rests when he is poorly and never complains even when he’s in pain. It feels like he expects people to just get on with it. When I discuss this with him he says he helps us by taking on more chores or practical things but I’d question the truth if that. It’s stuff he would do normally not extra. I’m not saying he does nothing fit me as when he can see I’m struggling he will pick up the slack but it takes for me to be on my knees before he will even if I have told him I’m heading that way.
He just seems so detached from us as a family.
I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or if these issues are me.
Has anyone experienced this?