Not going to wedding?

[Champagneponies]

I've been invited to the evening section of someone's wedding. We're not close though I appreciate the invite.. we're connected professionally but I wouldn't call us friends.

My good friend has also been invited - she is a friend of the bride.

We agreed when we got the invites to go together as it's a 3hr drive away. However I've now been offered a big contract of work that falls on the same weekend and I would earn a lot of money. I've told my friend who I was going with that I'm no longer going. I've apologized as looked forward to going together however said I can't turn the money down.

She is furious and is telling me I have to go with her.

I have been working hard over the past 8 months to relieve some debt. I'm also a single mother and feel the right and responsible action is ofcourse to take the paid work rather than go to a wedding of someone I barely know which would incur travel/accommodation/childcare costs. I really want to take the work.

AIBU?

If I was your friend I'd be very disappointed. She was looking forward to a fun trip with her mate and is now facing a longish solo drive or an expensive train ride. You've had a better offer which you've chosen to take up.

That said, given your financial situation I'd be much more understanding than she has been. In your position I would give it one more chance to make it right: apologise for spoiling the trip and express an understanding of why she's upset, but clarify why this is a big deal to you financially and how precarious your situation is.

Well, you do say you agreed to go together. Perhaps she made her decision based on the fact you were also going? In which case I can see that she might be a bit upset at the fact that you have now pulled out.

I can understand why you have changed your mind. But I can also understand why your friend is upset with you. But she shouldn't be furious, just disappointed, these things happen.

Had you agreed to share costs on accomodation?
If so maybe you could contribute your half of that

You don't have to go however

You agreed to go halves on accommodation and travel costs.
Tell me that you of course offered to make good on your share.
Going to an evening do when you don't know anyone is not fun. You're leaving her to deal with this.
You're pulling out on the bride/groom at short notice. Presumably she won't want to do that.
I can see why she's annoyed

If your friend will be out of pocket by you withdrawing I can understand some annoyance.

You'd be out of pocket by hundreds of you went, vs being p by hundreds
No contest esp with debt.

I'd approach it as
I'm sorry you feel I'm letting you down and being unreasonable. I was really looking forward to spending time together and was just going to do it without focusing on the money but the reality is I can't afford to turn down income to spend it again when my financial are so precarious. I hope we can do something together soon.

I might offer to cover half the accommodation if she can't find someone else

Sounds like she's just pissed she's lost her lift.

She is being unreasonable.

I would be a little disappointed if my friend cancelled in this situation but not furious. It's perfectly understandable that you're prioritising work. Your friend has plenty of time to sort out budget accommodation if money is an issue. Have you explained to her that you really need the money?

If I were the friend I might be initially a bit angry but if she knows it’s due to work etc then she should understand.

YANBU, then again i would never have accepted an evening do which was 3 hours drive plus accom and the other costs associated with attending, for someone i'm not close with.

You sending regrets is a no brainer IMO. Your friend has plenty of time to make alternative arrangements. She'll get over it.

You agreed to go halves on accommodation and travel costs.

Where does OP say that? She offered to drive but that would have been a bonus for her friend who has her own invitation not an entitlement.

If friend now doesn't want to go that's up to her but OP hasn't forced her to incur any costs she wouldn't have incurred if OP had declined in the first place.

If no accommodation is booked and she has 5 weeks notice she can catch a train and stop being a drama llama. You would be mad not to work and pay off debt. You are not being at all unreasonable. Your friend is.

No accommodation is booked. OP should not even think of paying for accommodation. Her friend has 5 weeks to book a train and a Travel Inn.

I wouldn’t be over impressed if I was the friend as I may have made my decision to go to the wedding based on the fact that we could share travel and accommodation costs. However i
would have kept this to myself and not reacted the way she did. I would think twice before planning joint things with the OP again.

She can be miffed but not furious.

Did you accept the invite then decline it? If so, that would be poor behaviour towards the couple.

NO YANBU, your family takes precedence. Personally I would never accept an evening invite only and so far away. Your "friend" is just miffed she´s lost her lift. Some friend, eh?

I get why she’s annoyed, maybe she wouldn’t have accepted the invite herself if you weren’t going and she wasn’t going to split accommodation and fuel with someone, and now she’s stuck paying full price, unless she pulls out too, which really is a bit poor form 5 weeks before - more so her as a friend to the bride than you though.

however I agree you have to take the work, so I don’t think there’s much you can do

Can you fix her up with a Tavel / room buddy so she isn't out of pocket or offer money ( she should decline but she can't bitch as much )

Who the hell invites evening only not close work colleagues who have a 6 hour round trip and hotel accommodation ??

Your friend has issues. Of course you are better off to work than go to a wedding. As standard I say no anyway to evening invites as they are just too expensive anyway but you have the offer to make money too so that should be priority. Tell her to unclench.

Because that isn't at all the point?

Ok, then she’s being unreasonable to have agreed to go to a night party that’s a 6 hour round trip, for a non-friend, and for being mates with someone who is ‘furious’ and ‘so angry’ over nothing? No one furious or angry would be in a car with me for 6 hours, never mind continuing a friendship.

Your friend needs to get a grip.

5 weeks away, not 24 hours?

Your responsibilities as a single parent come far ahead of any arrangement 5 weeks away.

This is about you driving and making it easy for her.

Stop apologising, tell her get a grip and rethink a friendship where someone is so totally unreasonable.

Stop with the feeling guilty.
You are doing your best.

No she didn't!

I’d pay towards half of the petrol.