DH has poor MH

[Shayisgreat]

I just want to know if I'm being an arsehole here and need to be a kinder wife.

For the last year my dh has been feeling low. He has been taking medication but things aren't really improving. It has got worse in the last 6 months and he is now signed off work. We both work full time and have a 4 yo ds. DH has been on sick leave for the last 2 months. He earns more than double what I make.

I wfh 2 days a week and go in 3 days. DH wfh always when he is working. We only have 1 car which I need for work - depending on traffic it can take anywhere for 45-90 mins each way. I do all of the drop offs and collections for DS except on Thursday as I cannot get back in time for nursery. The nursery is a 40 min walk but dh cycles to collect ds (except when it's raining, or when he feels unwell) and then I'm expected to leave work early to collect ds.

Dh does all of the grocery shopping and a lot of the life admin. But he does fuck all else. When he was working full time it didn't bother me as much but since he had been on sick leave I have been getting really angry that he literally spends his day watching TV. He doesn't even unload the dishwasher. He tells me that he is feeling too low and is not up to any housework and that I am triggering him when I come home and am obviously pissed off that the house hasn't been tidied.

It also really bothers me that he will frequently need to nap just when it is time to give ds a bath or at the weekend so it feels like I can't even rely on him to stay awake. We started going to counselling but I was running around like mad trying to get myself and ds ready for the day and back on time for the counselling and he wasn't even out of bed yet.

I worry that he will lose his job and that we won't be able to afford our mortgage on my salary and I am worried that I will be left supporting someone who I am starting to have very little regard for anymore.

He washes about twice a week and I hate it.

When I raise any of this he just responds that he is depressed. But when I try to understand what this means or what he is doing to help change or how to cope I feel that I get fobbed off. He has not stuck to the therapy sessions he started. He missed one season and said that he felt to guilty to set up another session.

I'm feeling really sorry for myself as I have no friends or family in this country. I feel like my dh doesn't like me and I'm starting to dislike him more and more. I feel like a total cow because he is obviously struggling. Aibu to feel annoyed with him or do I need to stuck it up as we married for better or worse?

Sorry no advice. But I’m sorry to hear of your situation.
What would happen if you were ill, physically or mentally?
your dh sounds rather selfish xx

He had been suggesting to me that I am angry with him because I am also depressed and that I should get signed off too.

When I had a miscarriage a few months ago and took the day off work, he brought and collected ds from nursery and I stayed in bed all day.

Tricky one OP! I think to some extent you need to continue to try and support him, but I'm afraid I have no patience for someone who won't help themselves! Has he been back to the GP about the depression? Was there a life event which triggered it, ie, a death in the family, house move, concern over his job security?? As if this is the case, then it may just be a matter of needing time to heal. I can totally understand you worrying about him losing his job, does he have anything like a company insurance that pays his wages, or are the company still footing the bill themselves? Have the company communicated any pressure for him to return to work? I think in your shoes, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him, and if he refuses to talk, write him a letter and tell him to read it. I've found this a very helpful method when trying to communicate with someone who frequently talks over you, or shuts you down. Tell him that you do understand that he's going through a difficult time, but he does need to help himself, as you're beginning to lose respect for him, and it's not fair to put all the pressure of running a household and looking after your child on you. Get him to go and see the doctor again, and encourage him to follow any opportunities he's offered for therapy of any sort, but if he then fails to make the effort, and/or won't keep going back to the doctor, then I'd be inclined to warn him that you're not going to put up with this for ever, and failing to help himself, will ultimately lead to the breakdown of your marriage.

However, on the other hand, if he's DEEPLY depressed, I can tell you from experience, that the last thing he's thinking about is his personal hygiene, or how you might be feeling, as you find yourself being totally unable to see the point of ANYTHING, and the only thought in my head when going through this, was 'what's the point, they'd be better off without me'. So while it's horrible to have to say it, you do need to be very aware of what's going on with him, as depending on how bad things are, he could be contemplating taking his own life. Unfortunately, this isn't something that anyone can predict, but as you are saying he's been feeling low, rather than he's suffering from black moods and despair, I doubt whether this is likely.

I do hope you and he can make some headway, as depression is horrible, and if you've never suffered from it, can be really difficult to break out of, but he really does need to go back to the GP, as obviously the meds he's on aren't working.

Good luck OP

He was only signed off 2 months ago so it's a tricky one. Depression doesn't fix itself over night. But I too would be annoyed that he's not doing anything to help himself.

Thanks for the replies. I guess the thing that is upsetting me is that I'm feeling overwhelmed by my negative feelings and don't know if I'm expecting too much from him given that he is unwell with depression.

Difficult one OP, depression can be so hard to handle. You might get more support posting on the relationships board.

I'd encourage DH to see his GP. How long has he been on medication, does he need to try something different?

It was my birthday yesterday. He forgot until I reminded him on Tuesday. He got me a present that he didn't pick up until today and then asked me yesterday if I was enjoying my birthday. When I told him that I would have preferred if he had made a bit more of a fuss he then booked a place for us to go to dinner.

We've had this conversation so many times previously when he hasn't done anything for my birthday, or got me a Christmas present, or arranged for our son to get me a mother's day present and I just feel so unloved and disrespected.

This can't just be depression, right?

Each time you've had those conversations before was he depressed then too? If not then he's shit at showing he cares, because that's not nice to just not acknowledge special occasions unless asked to.

It's a difficult one but I totally sympathise

I had a "depressed" husband who was a general arse & negative presence with everything we did as a family. Even going out for the day with the kids was a nightmare, nothing ever met his high standards & I was constantly stressed in his presence

He took meds which said didn't do anything, had counselling never tried or took it seriously, he made our lives a misery

Like you I held down a full time demanding job & did as much as I could for the kids

Over time I'd had enough, it eroded any respect I had for him & I felt I was also getting severely depressed

We split, 100% the right decision & he is getting remarried but he's still the same negative person to be around

I would say you need to tell him how you feel & have a plan for how you can move forwards together eg meds, counselling. If you give him a chance but he doesn't at least try I'd be gone

Good luck