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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unacceptable socially

26 replies

brainbrian · 12/06/2023 21:33

Calling a relative boring because they don’t want to drink alcohol, asking them a second time and then looking them up and down or raising an eyebrow to another person when they (now awkwardly) insist they’re fine with alcohol free or pop. We have a relative that does this and I find it awful. Often they will open a drink and pass it to you even after you’ve said no, it’s so rude. I can’t imagine not respecting someone else’s wishes over something that doesn’t affect you in the slightest!

OP posts:
Cherryana · 12/06/2023 21:35

They are completely weird and must be a bit thick.

Original poster
brainbrian · 12/06/2023 21:35

Said relative seems to enjoy drawing attention to non-drinkers, more I think of it.

OP posts:
SophieStew · 12/06/2023 21:36

It’s a defence mechanism because they feel more comfortable kidding themselves everyone else needs booze as much as they do.

Tragic really.

wafflyversatile · 12/06/2023 21:37

Probably doesn't want to think too hard about how much they drink.

Original poster
brainbrian · 12/06/2023 21:37

SophieStew · 12/06/2023 21:36

It’s a defence mechanism because they feel more comfortable kidding themselves everyone else needs booze as much as they do.

Tragic really.

Dyou think?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 12/06/2023 21:38

I don't drink but when I've had behaviour like this, just go back with something like no I don't need alcohol to make myself interesting thanks Keith 🤣

phoenixrosehere · 12/06/2023 21:39

That’s definitely a way imo to show someone they’re controlling and likely have an issue themselves with alcohol if they’re so bothered by someone’s choice not to drink.

I can’t believe yet not surprised some would vote yabu for not wanting something you said no to.

category12 · 12/06/2023 21:40

I'd be inclined to agree that they're probably so pushy over alcohol because they're defensive about their own drinking.

5128gap · 12/06/2023 21:41

Its because a lot of people see non drinkers as boring, unlikely to let their hair down and sitting their stone cold sober judging the drinkers and spoiling ghe atmosphere. It's very common, but most just hide it better than your relative does. I say this as someone who barely drinks anymore and has noticed a marked difference in how I'm treated by many people who do.

Original poster
brainbrian · 12/06/2023 21:50

phoenixrosehere · 12/06/2023 21:39

That’s definitely a way imo to show someone they’re controlling and likely have an issue themselves with alcohol if they’re so bothered by someone’s choice not to drink.

I can’t believe yet not surprised some would vote yabu for not wanting something you said no to.

They’re under 35 and seem to do it to take the attention away from themselves, their spouse also joins in

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/06/2023 21:52

I'd be calling them out on this and asking what their problem is.

waterlego · 12/06/2023 21:53

Agree with PPs that people who do this are often those who have their own issues with alcohol. They want everyone else to drink as much/as often as they do so that they can pretend to themselves that they don’t have a problem.

Justchooseone · 12/06/2023 21:54

I agree with PP - they are trying to deflect from their own alcohol usage, or at least how they feel about it

Original poster
brainbrian · 12/06/2023 21:57

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2023 21:52

I'd be calling them out on this and asking what their problem is.

I don’t feel confident to do this, they always have to be the biggest voice in the room and usually talk over me and DH anyway!

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 12/06/2023 21:57

I usually respond with 'I don't drink but I don't mind if you do'.

They are trying to imply that drinking is normal, and not drinking is not. I turn it around on them.

Caroparo52 · 12/06/2023 21:58

This op

Prisonbreak · 12/06/2023 22:02

I’m a non drinker and I’ve had this issue my whole life. I used to play it down and just act like it didn’t bother me. Now I just tell the truth.

‘No thanks I don’t drink. Alcohol has taken the lives of most of my family members and I won’t be next on this list’

then hold eye contact for an uncomfortably long time. They usually get the hint

waterlego · 12/06/2023 22:04

I really like that response @CatherinedeBourgh. Will store that one away for future use.

xyz111 · 12/06/2023 22:04

Maybe next time they said something, say "why are you so obsessed with what I'm drinking?" Hopefully might shock them into shutting up!

SisterAgatha · 12/06/2023 22:04

My sister in law does this and I ask for a lemonade with a garnish so if she asks me I can say it’s gin. When it’s her round or whatever I say ooooh I’ve had all the gin, better make this one a lemonade. You shouldn’t have to, at all. But it isn’t a bad cover.

MrsMcisaCt · 12/06/2023 22:11

I was at a works do once when I was teaching and the deputy head was trying to get me to have a drink. He said I looked like an idiot for drinking diet coke 😟I didn't work there long as he was an asshole in many other ways too.

quitefranklyabsurd · 12/06/2023 22:14

Do they drink a lot? Are they trying to deflect how much they drink - or don’t want to not have company drinking?

these sort of people drive me crazy. Nothing wrong with not drinking.

RampantIvy · 12/06/2023 22:14

There are some very boorish people around. I like a glass of wine. I also like non alcoholic drinks and don't feel the need to drink at every social occasion. In many cases it is because I am driving.

I'm fine with standing up for myself so if the OP's relative had challenged me for not drinking I would just reply with "why does it make you feel so uncomfortable that I'm not drinking?"

Original poster
brainbrian · 12/06/2023 22:19

RampantIvy · 12/06/2023 22:14

There are some very boorish people around. I like a glass of wine. I also like non alcoholic drinks and don't feel the need to drink at every social occasion. In many cases it is because I am driving.

I'm fine with standing up for myself so if the OP's relative had challenged me for not drinking I would just reply with "why does it make you feel so uncomfortable that I'm not drinking?"

I’m not sure how to say this non-confrontationally, but I admire you for being able to! Wish I could. Good idea

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 12/06/2023 22:23

I would just reply with "why does it make you feel so uncomfortable that I'm not drinking?"

As someone who barely drinks, I really like that response.