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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go on night away

25 replies

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 16:45

Sorry bit long. Me and DH have not been on the best of terms the past few months. We are together 15 years. We also have 3 young children, 4 months, 18 months and a 7 year old.

DH had an epiphany after a night out that I don't show him any love or care about him, that I don't support him. I reminded him I've been pregnant and working full time the best part of two years and if there was an issue before why not raise it. We fell out from March to May time on and off. We agreed to make an effort end of May.

On Saturday he made a really horrible comment to me about my appearance (after years of these comments) I was just so angry and grabbed the pram off him. He then said I shoved and hit him on the hand. I apologised to him a few times because if I hurt him on the hand I didn't mean to. He has now decided that we are finished and he wants to separate and won't budge. He said he won't move out of our joint home until I pay him back the money I owe him. Which accrued during my last maternity leave and could take years to pay back.

So now I'm dealing with the silent treatment apart from communicating about the children, he's going out and doing what he wants and I'm stuck at home. He also said during our argument that he can do what he wants because he works and I'm at home so that's my job for now. He's been really horrible and is acting over the top happy with the children.

There is a planned night away this weekend with some friends I have not seen in so long and I was really looking forward to it (think hot tub and wine). I'm just so upset about everything because I'm thinking of the children and he will be an asshole whilst I'm away probably not update me about the children and stuff. He likes to think he always is the moral high ground. However I would love him to do a full night childcare for a change. I worry I might cry after a few drinks but I don't want to go if i can't sort myself out I keep crying. How do I just do it and say fuck him. I'm worried it may rock the boat further.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 16:59

Go, and enjoy the company of your friends.
What’s this about though he won't move out of our joint home until I pay him back the money I owe him. Which accrued during my last maternity leave
Why do you owe him money?!

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:11

@FictionalCharacter he paid off some of my debts which where small but then I had to borrow money off him to survive on maternity, yes I know WTF.

I'm literally wearing socks with holes and old T-shirts and he's styled to perfection. He says to ask for money if I need it but he holds it over me so I'd rather not. I had some spare money after my birthday and decided to put it to the night away which is actually a small amount because it's joint between friends.

OP posts:
SophieStew · 12/06/2023 17:14

You are married, so no matter how you budget, you don’t owe him money.

You are being abused. Speak to your friends for support. See a solicitor and get rid of this horrible man.

FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 17:25

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:11

@FictionalCharacter he paid off some of my debts which where small but then I had to borrow money off him to survive on maternity, yes I know WTF.

I'm literally wearing socks with holes and old T-shirts and he's styled to perfection. He says to ask for money if I need it but he holds it over me so I'd rather not. I had some spare money after my birthday and decided to put it to the night away which is actually a small amount because it's joint between friends.

No no no no! That’s not how it works when you’re a married couple! When you were on mat leave (with HIS baby) he should have been supporting you, not “lending” you money to survive on. This is madness.

Anyway if you file for divorce your lawyer will sort him out. No way would your “debt” to him be considered valid.

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:25

@SophieStew there is definitely some sort of emotional and controlling type abuse with him, he always has to be superior to people. Doesn't back down easily.

He seems to enjoy belittling me and was bringing up because I said I couldn't coke a few times with having two under 18months with not much support.

I feel trapped until I go back to work. I have no savings and he has savings. He's financially much better than me, he will also want the children 50/50 they are so young and I'm just scared of what's to come.

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 12/06/2023 17:45

He probably won't want the children 50/50 he's just saying that to make you stay! assuming he works full time how will he do that?
Go with your friends and enjoy yourself. Try not to drink too much if your worried about crying, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if you did. Speak to your friends, they will support you

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:58

@OldEvilOwl he will definitely want the children half and he's a teacher so is off loads which worrys me because my job is not the same. We are only renting so really apart from divorce there's no money in it.

He's the one wants to end it.

OP posts:
HereForTheFreeLunch · 12/06/2023 18:04

If you had to borrow money from him to cover maternity, did you charge him for his share of the childcare?
Either you are married with shared finances or you're not.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 18:07

Please don’t give him a penny.

Get a good lawyer and divorce the dickhead asap.

Could anyone else have the dc that night?

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 18:07

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:58

@OldEvilOwl he will definitely want the children half and he's a teacher so is off loads which worrys me because my job is not the same. We are only renting so really apart from divorce there's no money in it.

He's the one wants to end it.

Please don’t rely on that. He will drag on the ending it for years.

Be proactive and call a lawyer tomorrow.

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 18:14

Thanks for the advice, he will take the children if I'm going away overnight because he will be proving a point.

OP posts:
Twentypastfour · 12/06/2023 18:18

Unless you’ve involved a lawyer and ring fenced assets I don’t see how you can possibly owe him money as you are married.

It’s just part of being a family that you support each other through things like sickness, redundancy, maternity leave.

Don’t pay him a penny.

PonyPatter44 · 12/06/2023 18:20

He can try to take the kids, but I doubt he'll actually want to. He sounds like an absolute knobhead, and I think you'll be better off without him. If he is a teacher, at least you know he earns a stable salary.

Go and have your nice night away, and don't get sucked into his game playing. Then go and get a solicitor.

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 18:27

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 18:14

Thanks for the advice, he will take the children if I'm going away overnight because he will be proving a point.

Take the children where? He can’t just take them.

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 18:29

@Sissynova I meant take care of them overnight because he will want to withhold any communication between them and me then will want to guilt trip me the next day because I went.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 12/06/2023 18:33

How much communication are you expecting? He's got to be able to look after his own kids by himself for ONE NIGHT! Tell your seven year old to look after daddy, and kiss the babies goodbye. You're going away for one night, not a six-month deployment.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/06/2023 18:40

Look just quietly go and see a solicitor, he’s your husband, it’s very probable you don’t actually owe him anything, you were on mat leave looking after his child

Find bank statements, pension information, mortgage information and just get an opinion

then divorce him, start the ball rolling first on unreasonable behaviour

Greenfree · 12/06/2023 18:44

Go and have a nice night. Also speak to a solicitor, it's unlikely as part of a divorce that you'll have to pay him back money used while you were on mat leave. I would also stop doing anything for him if you haven't already

Turnthelightoff · 12/06/2023 18:47

Call the lawyer message echoed here and go on your trip away. Outsmart him though by saying that mobile signal is notoriously bad there so you might not be contactable. Then tell your 7yo that it’s just one night and the phone won’t work etc. Buy some sweets for when you come back as a present from mummy and enjoy yourself

Sunnydaysareuponus · 12/06/2023 18:56

Hopefully I am being dramatic but given his attitude I would beware he isn't going to claim you have left him. And your dc...
And prevent you re-entering your home when you get back....

SophieStew · 12/06/2023 19:00

@nnamechangee his savings are joint savings. Everything you own between you is joint, including pensions.

Have this night away. He obviously doesn’t want your friends to know what a cunt he is or for you to have support. You need your friends now.

Get legal advice and then take it all step by step.

GracePalmer33 · 12/06/2023 19:14

He lent you money to survive while you were on mat leave? Jesus Christ. You don't owe him anything. You had a break from your career (putting your career progression on hold selflessly!! Which he didn't have to do) in order to care for yours and his child. You should have had access to his salary while on maternity leave. Men like this make me despair. See a solicitor.

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 19:44

YABU - for crying over this horrible prick. Go on your night away, don't worry about him not communicating about the kids they'll be fine.

Get yourself back in work and get the kids in childcare and make sure he's paying his half. Start the proceedings yourself based on him being a controlling prick. You don't owe him a thing.

mycatsanutter · 12/06/2023 20:39

This is all ridiculous abuse - owing him money !! Madness . Pls go on a night away and confide in your friends , he doesn't need to keep in touch re the kids it's one night .

MissingMoominMamma · 12/06/2023 20:41

nnamechangee · 12/06/2023 17:11

@FictionalCharacter he paid off some of my debts which where small but then I had to borrow money off him to survive on maternity, yes I know WTF.

I'm literally wearing socks with holes and old T-shirts and he's styled to perfection. He says to ask for money if I need it but he holds it over me so I'd rather not. I had some spare money after my birthday and decided to put it to the night away which is actually a small amount because it's joint between friends.

That sounds like financial abuse to me. The maternity leave was for his child/ children, I assume?

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