Friends and gifts

[AlmostWife]

Part of a few friendship groups, mostly late 20s early 30s. I am one of four children whereas I'd say most of my friends are only children (this may be relevant, or it may not - you tell me!)

I do not especially like giving or receiving gifts outside of a limited number of people (my partner, my best friend, siblings and parents n). Even then my partner and I didn't give each other Christmas presents this year because we had both bought expensive birthday gifts for each other – Christmas & birthdays are all close together in our house – and I try to push back on my mum's demands for big Mother's Day gifts as well as a birthday gift etc. I never turn up empty handed, always happy to take a bottle, something small, generous with my time and such. Love cooking for people. I just don't personally want or need stuff, nor do I want to keep buying stuff for other people unless they really want it.

One of my friend groups CONSTANTLY buys stuff for each other. And it's expensive. For example, for the 30th of a friend recently they wanted to buy a group gift that was over £50 per head (and £500 in total).

Another friend is marrying in August and my partner and I will obviously get her a wedding gift – but now there is talk of her getting a joint group hen gift. My mum's staying so I'm not actually able to make the hen, so I'm not opposed to getting something small, but I do resent constantly being asked to contribute to stuff – expensive stuff! There have been a few other things too and no matter how much I say I'd prefer not to do this they keep asking. This time they've specifically said I might want to contribute to the hen gift as I'm not coming and this makes it cheaper for everyone else.

I also think that the only child thing is part of it – maybe I'm being unfair but I think smaller families means you have more money to spend on friends and maybe buying gifts regularly for friends is more normal?

Am I just a grinch or is feeling like you're being bled dry by groups of friends normal? I don't understand why my presence, good food and a bottle of wine isn't enough.

AIBU?

YANBU - the friends are insane and spendy
YABU - you're a grinch

If you don't want to buy gifts because you're on a tight budget, then everyone will just have to accept snd understand this. You can't magic money out of nowhere, can you? Make it plain and clear to everyome tjst you domt nuy (or accept gifts) and then everyone will know where they stand.

However, you don't make it sound like it's about finances, more that you just don't like buying gifts. It seems like you have a lot of grasping people around you, from your mum to friends who are close enough to invite you to hens and weddings etc. Maybe you should find some new friends who don't bleed you dry. 🤔

Or maybe you could consider that just because you don't like receiving thoughtful gifts from family and close friends, it doesn't mean everyone else thinks the same. But of course, your presence is enough, along with the 'small' bottle of something you deem sufficient for the occasion.

@Whenwillitallmakesense for the wedding gift we'll probably be spending upwards of £200 on a gift because bride is from a culture where only cash gifts are acceptable.

At previous weddings I've been to I've bought the bride and groom a hamper.

I'm not completely ungenerous, I think it's the frequency and the amount – if it was a one off for each of these friends I'd be up for a bit of a splurge, but it's usually £50 here and there, not £10, then this time it's "let's all chip in for a £200 clothing item for a hen".

The group has upwards of 10 people in it and we spend a lot on each other already – going abroad for one of the 30ths later this year too. When we went on holiday with them last year for nearly two weeks people refused to do a home cooked meal one night because they didn't want to wash up. They have refused to share rooms for a single night on a trip abroad. And then earlier this year we all had to chip in for a surprise engagement party for the couple marrying this August where we left hungry because the £70 set menu was tapas only.

I think what grates is these are not really my close friends, I have acquired them and they are lovely – but I really do feel like the amounts are unreasonable.

I don’t like expensive presents exchange either (except to my own children, and even then there are limits).

And don’t get me started on the ENDLESS envelopes at work - someone (usually don’t even know them) has a birthday, is getting married, having a baby, a new house, leaving the company, going on a secondment abroad, retiring …

Buy your own stuff, people!

I also think it's not really thoughtful if I'm just chucking money into another whip around, tbh.

My mum is generally fine apart from Mother's Day which she is quite funny about, though did tell me I was a bit joyless when I said please just chip some money off my student loan for my birthday if you're insisting (not a UK one so paying it off is somewhat achievable)

Just make it clear that you’d prefer not to be involved in present exchanges and don’t expect anyone to buy for you, either. If you haven’t said so, you can’t expect people to realise you’re feeling overwhelmed by it. Nobody can argue with you for saying that your financial commitments mean that you’re only buying for immediate family from now on and exchanging cards outside that.

Yes op I found it constant and cut back alot. I have good few family birthdays then godkids so its constant.. are you in group apps? I think maybe with cost living now its getting alot. Say something like that..

thanks @ComtesseDeSpair @Mary46 – I think I will just have to tell them again. it feels like it'll be a good few years of this with hens, weddings, birthdays and everyone having children

YANBU, but this is something that needs to be said out loud. My friend group is not like that, we spend time and chat and just might do some silly smartshow 3d video cards for each other birthdays, but I know people who are big on gifts and buying stuff, and they would be offended if you don't support them. You need to talk to them, it's really too much at this point.

Not unreasonable at all. I don’t mind chipping in for things so long as I can dictate the amount I give but often there’s an expectation that it’s going to be a certain amount.

I think it’s reasonable to refuse to contribute. You can only afford what you can afford and you shouldn’t feel pressure into going beyond what is comfortable for you.

at times you just have to put your foot down. Yes it might make it more expensive for the group but that’s not your problem. If they want to get an expensive hen gift- are hen gifts expected? That’s on them. Not for you to make it cheaper for them.

Im going on a hen soon. I didn’t even know hen gifts were a thing and wont be doing it as spending enough as it is.

Is the gift giving constant or just weddings and big birthdays? Cause if it's 'just because'or random birthdays gifts then those are easy to skip.

My group of friends (none of us are only children) give group gifts cause then we can get something bigger than individually. But you can always opt out or say that you don't want to spend x much money.

Not just birthdays and weddings @Rewis - as with the hen gift, it sometimes feels like they are inventing new reasons to give more gifts. I am certain that hen gifts are not a thing. I don't have a problem with buying a wedding gift! Or contributing to a gift for a 30th necessarily (although I do think upwards of £500 even on a group gift is too much). I have other friendship groups and the per person spend is usually capped at £10 or 15 so that everyone can participate.

@Sweetener12 I think part of the problem is I'm a later entrant to this group. It's been a few years but they seem to have already established a degree of excessiveness as the default. I am hoping with time it will get easier!

@CleverLilViper I agree, I had no idea "hen gifts" were a thing! As if enough money wasn't being spent. On a principle level I think this is also just too much stuff

update: I've now pushed back twice and they initially ignored me and then tried to gloss over the point (I was extremely polite and said I didn't know hen gifts were a thing and was a bit surprised by the idea). I reiterated that this was something I'd never heard of and it's gone quiet