Family pressure to contact my narcissistic Mum

[lyrablue]

So I'm pregnant with my first child and only have just under 3 weeks to go now - I'm super excited and can't wait to meet them!
However about 10 years ago now I cut contact with my mum and moved away due to her incredibly narcissistic tendancies and her hugely negative impact on my mental health at the time. As a result of that decision I feel as though my mental health improved and I found life generally a lot easier to handle. However now that I'm so close to having a child of my own my Nan and my Auntie have been putting a lot of pressure on me to get in contact with her again despite me saying no. My nan in particular has been saying it puts her in an awkward position when baby comes and that it's not fair of me to do that. The way I see it is that I'm protecting my child and myself from the effects I suffered from those years ago and that I don't think I could handle now. I know it's hard on the other members of my family but surely my stable mental wellbeing is what matters most right now?

Stick to your guns would be my advice.

"I hear you Nan/Auntie, but I still think the answer is no. I don't want to discuss this any further, it wasn't a choice I made lightly."

Don't give in. Your mental health and that of your child are the important things. You need to tell other family members to stay out of it; your relationship with your mother is none of their business.

You're going to need lots of support from people that bring positivity to your life. Your mum is not included in that.

It's been years you are happier you don't owe her anything just because you have a child on the way.

Be very clear to family it is not up for discussion she will be playing no part in your lives.

Perfect response

Cutting off a parent is a very hard thing to do and not something people do lightly. In fact, people take far more crap than anyone could reasonably be expected to take before they get to that point!

I would say to your grandma and aunt that you did what you had to do and they either respect that or join your mother out of your life.

God, other women putting emotional blackmail on you at literally your most vulnerable time
My advice would be NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE! The last thing you want is for her to use your baby for narcissistic supply. You broke away once which must've taken balls - don't put yourself there again. Just my opinion, but your gran etc have no business placing you in that kind of situation.

Allowing your mother back into your life would be a HUGE mistake. HUGE. You know this.

What your aunt and grandmother want is irrelevant. They don't have to live your life.

It's your life and your choice to make. It sounds as if it would be a bad idea given what you've said.

I think sometimes people need to understand that abuse is abuse.

If your mum had beat you and left you with visible cuts and bruises then the rest of your family (& hopefully social services) would have stopped you from living with her and they certainly wouldn't be encouraging contact between her and your newborn.

Because the beating was to your brain and therefore invisible, they literally don't see it.

Remind them that you're still healing from the scars she inflicted upon you and that those scars may not be visible to them but you can still feel the pain.

There is no way you would inflict that on an innocent child.

My nan in particular has been saying it puts her in an awkward position when baby comes and that it's not fair of me to do that.

Tell Nan, if she can't cope with her own feelings then sadly she'll need to opt out of your new family life with your baby.

Your baby comes first.

My nan in particular has been saying it puts her in an awkward position when baby comes and that it's not fair of me to do that.

I didn't make my choice lightly. I did it because I felt I had no other choice. I am sorry if you feel that it puts you in a difficult position but unfortunately that's just how it is. I will not be emotionally blackmailed into doing something that's not in the best interests of my mental health at such a crucial time because of the risk to my child.

Stick to your guns.

I've been NC with my parents for a decade and they have never met or even seen any of my three children. My feeling about it is that if my parents aren't people I want in my own life, then I sure as shit don't want them around my children.

It's been less complicated for me because I don't have any other relatives, so I totally get that you are feeling the pressure, but you made your choice for a reason and that's what you need to reiterate to those family members who are piling it on.

I assume Aunt and Nan are your Mother's relatives?
Don't give in to their emotional blackmail.

Oh also, you can feel quite vulnerable when you've just had a baby - if your mum is anything like mine she would take that opportunity to get her teeth on while your defences are down and your mental health might be at risk at a time of great upheaval generally.