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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP who’s right here

41 replies

Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 14:34

I have name changed for this but have been on mumsnet for years.

I really need some honest advice……

my and my DP have been together 18months. We have 5 children between us and none of our own. We have a really good relationship except for one thing…… his ex.

she messages constantly all day every day about anything but keeps it to the topic of the children. These children are secondary late primary school age with their own phones. Messages are about what they have eaten, how they sleep, what they have done, photos (which I get). Who’s got school
uniforms (which normally she has). It’s from before we wake up until bedtime most days.

we have now had a huge row as I just can’t handle it. I don’t know the answer but

AIBU - should I accept it
AINBU - is it too much!

please help a women out as we are about to split on this

OP posts:
FishOnABicycleMadeForTwo · 12/06/2023 15:04

What does he feel about it?
Maybe he likes hearing the little day to day details about his DC.

SophieStew · 12/06/2023 15:06

I would find this really irritating, but I would never have carried on dating him once I realised he was so enmeshed with his ex.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 12/06/2023 15:13

I guess he likes all the updates, otherwise he would have put a stop to it by now. Plus, your conversation wouldn't have turned into a big row if he agreed with your view or was willing to take your feelings into consideration.

Why are you getting upset now, 18 months down the line? Has something specific happened to set this off?

It doesn't feel a little extreme and it wouldn't hurt him to ask ex to limit the text to one or two a day, maybe one in the morning to say they slept well and have gotten to school OK and one in the evening to report on anything important that happened during the day. Rest of the time, he can communicate with kids himself.

But if this is the way the co-parent and always did before you came along, there's not much you can do about it. Accept it or decide you'd rather not be in the relationship

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 15:15

I think as long as it's about the kids it's fine tbh. I don't see her doing anything wrong. Especially if he's ok with it.

Maybe sit down and discuss what boundaries you'd like to be set.

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 15:19

What do you mean by constantly all day every day? 100 messages a day? 3 a day?

PuffinsRocks · 12/06/2023 15:19

She's probably using it as a means to keep texting him, keep him talking to her, and keep his attention on her. I wouldn't be happy with this. The very best case scenario is she thinks the whole world revolves around her kids (which isn't great for yours when it comes to making decisions as a family). TBH I'd be reconsidering this relationship because it's not going to get any better.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 15:20

thanks for all your responses. To be honest I didn’t know it was as much as it was until we went away and literally everytime we were in the car she came up on car play. Then every time I looked over his phone would be pinging with messages.

m we have discussed it so many times and he has said can you keep it down to a few Per day and I just need the facts. But she is constant. It calms for a few weeks and then builds up again. She has a partner who has even told her the messaging is too much.

it’s come to a head as I was unwell in hospital and only spent a few hours with him at the weekend and the whole time he was there she was contacting him about what they are having for dinner.

I can’t really tell you why it annoys me. But it’s my boundary and I can’t take it. So I said I can’t change them and that’s what they do. I can’t change how I feel - and I have tried. So I will walk away as it hurts me so deeply

OP posts:
Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 15:21

PuffinsRocks · 12/06/2023 15:19

She's probably using it as a means to keep texting him, keep him talking to her, and keep his attention on her. I wouldn't be happy with this. The very best case scenario is she thinks the whole world revolves around her kids (which isn't great for yours when it comes to making decisions as a family). TBH I'd be reconsidering this relationship because it's not going to get any better.

I agree with you. I think she wants his attention. She told him (just before we were together) how she misses the sex with him and that just made me uncomfortable when I found out. And since then have felt uneasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 15:21

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 15:19

What do you mean by constantly all day every day? 100 messages a day? 3 a day?

Between 10-40 per day

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/06/2023 15:23

Better luck next time,OP.

Imawomangetmeoutofhere · 12/06/2023 15:25

That’s excessive and I wouldn’t be ok with it. But if he is then you can’t do anything about it except leave. Does he love the attention also?

qaew · 12/06/2023 15:25

You should not need to know when she texts him.

Just seen 10-40 messages a day. Personally I would end it with him as that is stalkerish

Menora · 12/06/2023 15:25

Is he responding? Can’t he just mute her and not look? My DP’s ex is annoying in this way he just doesn’t answer if it’s not important. She called us at 7am on the day we went on holiday expecting to speak to the kids, it’s stressful enough with all we needed to do and she literally had seen them 24 hours before. DP just said pretend we didn’t see it… deal with it later when I am not busy.
im sure his ex texts him more than I know the difference is my DP doesn’t have his phone out all the time or reply to everything especially when he is doing something with me. He will check it’s not urgent and then pocket the phone.

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 15:27

Yeah it's ridiculous. Why is he answering her? He needs to stop answering and she might take the hint. Or even better tell her to fucking stop it.

CheeseandTrees · 12/06/2023 15:30

Does he respond?

Sparkletastic · 12/06/2023 15:30

She still wants to be with him. Throw this one back.

WhatADrabCarpet · 12/06/2023 15:32

I wouldn't be putting up with this and I'd be looking to disentangle myself from it all.

You're clearly unhappy with it all and your relationship will suffer , if it already hasn't.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 12/06/2023 15:34

Sparkletastic · 12/06/2023 15:30

She still wants to be with him. Throw this one back.

And he is either keeping his options open or likes the attention. He could easily manage this by telling her to calm it down and simply not replying to her unless it's important.

Time to seriously consider moving on OP.

steppemum · 12/06/2023 15:43

one big question for me is if he is replying?

If she sends 40 texts with zero reply from him, that is one thing.
If he replies every time that is time ot run for the hills.

He needs to put her texts on mute. She can phone if there is an emergency

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 15:47

He responds to most of them. I mean 40 could be made up of 10 photos. But some of them are the backs of them. I just don’t understand as the children speak to him. But as you say he responds.

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/06/2023 15:54

Im guessing your arguments go along the lines of you complaining about her messages and him saying he's told her not to but she won't stop. So you're angry while he's helpless. And he's right to an extent, she'll do as she pleases and you can't stop her.
Your only Influence is over what partner does in response. So rather than focus on the fact she shouldn't be messaging, focus on what you want him to do when she does, and tell him. If he refuses, or agrees and then goes back on it, then you need to consider your future.

Original poster
Exesareaproblem · 12/06/2023 16:09

5128gap · 12/06/2023 15:54

Im guessing your arguments go along the lines of you complaining about her messages and him saying he's told her not to but she won't stop. So you're angry while he's helpless. And he's right to an extent, she'll do as she pleases and you can't stop her.
Your only Influence is over what partner does in response. So rather than focus on the fact she shouldn't be messaging, focus on what you want him to do when she does, and tell him. If he refuses, or agrees and then goes back on it, then you need to consider your future.

Yes something like that. That’s a good piece of advice. Definitely food for thought. I think it’s a bit of I don’t know what’s happening when I am not there and I just don’t like it

OP posts:
tattygrl · 12/06/2023 16:09

I think this is one of them where you have to decide what you personally want your life to be like. If you can see your way clear to being ok with this, and genuinely feeling confident that your relationship is secure and if you feel valued and prioritised by your partner, then fine - there are no rules about how your relationship has to look. However, it doesn't sound like this is going to change any time soon, and it doesn't sound like your partner understands the issue and how it makes you feel. If you can't see yourself feeling comfortable with this, I think your best option is to leave.

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:12

we are about to split on this

You need to tell DP direct, that it has reached the end of the road stage for you. He now has a choice to make between his ex, and you.

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 16:14

Throw this one back.

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