Husband read my online support group posts

[analaya]

I'm devastated

My Husband has always given me completely free access to his phone. I know his pin and password. I don't check it as he's definitely not a cheat and I don't need to know what he's upto on there. I will sometimes use his phone and check messages for him.
He's a faithful husband and actually been a good husband and father. He's always had access to my phone too.

In recent times however I've been part of an online support group on Facebook where I have asked for advice on matters relating to my mental health. I don't have any friends (nothing to do with DH I've had none since childhood as I'm quite shy) and my online support group is where I'd feel safe to discuss anything really. I've built up a group of online confidants. In fact none of these things I discussed were massive things and I'd feel able to discuss anything major with him. But more personal things and talking about the way I was feeling. There are some posts about him such as discussing differing parenting styles and how some aspects of his parenting I'd change and concerns that he is too strict on the children which maybe I should have discussed face to face with him but sometimes it's good to get a second opinion before having that conversation which is what I was doing.
I did not want anyone I knew seeing these posts and so posted anonymously. So he didn't accidentally come across them I'd also log out of Facebook once not using.
One day he innocently asked to use my Facebook for something (he doesn't have Facebook) and I was honest and said I didn't want him on there as I am part of an online group and other people's personal stuff is on there and people he might know.

He seemed to accept this and I don't think he thought I was cheating but he clearly was intrigued.
Well once day I left Facebook open without realising and as I've gone for a shower he's seized the opportunity and read all my posts from the online group.
I came out the shower and he's dropped the phone I think not having time to close the group down. When I've then gone on my phone my post is open and the whole text is highlighted so I think he was planning to copy it and send it to himself to read at leisure later.
In hindsight I think it came cross suspicious that I was part of an 'online group' that was secretive and I didn't want him on my Facebook due to but I just thought he'd understand.
I'm so embarrassed and feel like my privacy has been invaded.
Some of those posts are damaging to my marriage really.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have gone on and it was an invasion of privacy?

He is incredibly out of order invading your privacy in that way. He can't claim he didn't know what he was doing, he clearly did and he knew it wasn't okay as he deopped the phone to avoid being caught out.

I would be having a very punchy conversation with him about boundaries and tbh if he didn't accept he was out of line and grovellingly apologise I would struggle to stay in the relationship.

I'm feeling so embarrassed but also bad as he now knows so much I'd not want him to know.

Maybe he thought you were having an affair and was advised to check your phone?

I'll be honest - if my husband told me I couldn't use his Facebook account because there was stuff he didn't want me to see, the first thing I'd want to know is what it was.
My first thought would be cheating, so don't be surprised if it was his first thought too.
Imagine it the other way around, you wanted to use his phone for something but he wouldn't let you see, wouldn't you feel the slightest bit suspicious? I know I would.

I'm really sorry OP that must feel like a horrible invasion of privacy.

I do think if a woman posted on here saying their DH wouldn't let them on their Facebook because there was private stuff they didn't want her to see she would be advised to look at his phone and see what he was hiding

People are actually allowed to have things that they don’t want to share with their OH. I password protected and only shared with a select few people my alcohol abuse and quitting story. Obviously my husband knew I drank and had quit but not all my innermost thoughts, I only wanted to share them with select people who had been through similar. He was a bit peeved at first but he got why when I explained. OP I’d feel really violated in your shoes x

This. Double standards OP. I can’t blame your husband at all in this.

I'd be fucking furious. You told him why you didn't want to read, but he went ahead and did it anyway.

I’d be furious too. I get that maybe he was worried about affair and wanted to check, but I think that as soon as he realised you were being honest about the support group he should have read no further. It’s equivalent to reading someone’s diary. If he noticed that you had mentioned him in your post then instead of attempting to copy paste it he should have stopped reading and approached you to say he was always open to discuss things and have a conversation with you.

I don't think he was unreasonable for checking you weren't cheating. However he is unseasonable for trying to read your private posts. He would have very quickly realised you weren't cheating and should have left it there without snooping through all your posts.

If this was the other way round you would be advised to snoop on his phone. At least now he will probably leave the phone alone now.

Because you say you are shy and don’t have many friends to talk to in real life I’m going to ask if what you posted about anonymously is really as bad as you think it is, and whether you need to be as embarrassed as you are?

Im an intensely private person so I get this. But we all do it, moaning to friends, family and on here. If you had more dealings with people IRL to moan to you, you may realise that what you have written is so normal.

you don’t say how your husband has reacted. You could possibly reframe this as an opportunity to talk about these issues affecting your marriage openly, honestly and calmly.

I know my dh joined some cancer support groups and received a lot of support from other men going through the same. Im in support groups for my health conditions and he knows that too,

Neither of us would deliberately go into the others suppers groups and read through things like OPs dh has. She didn't make a general "I have stuff I don't want you to see" she told him she is online support groups and there's personal things spoken about. If I asked dh if I could his phone to use a social media account and he'd said he'd rather not as doesn't want me to see his posts giving and receiving support through various stages of testicle cancer, I'd believe him and create my own social media account if I had to look up something or just ask him to check for me.. We know each others pins and passwords for everything but he knows I have friends who discuss things with me they wouldn't if they knew he was reading the conversations too and he respects that.

I'd be hurt if he went behind my back like that.

Yes once he realised there was no evidence of an affair there was no need to login to my support group and read all my posts and copy and save them for leisurely reading afterwards.