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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH weight gain

21 replies

Boymamabee22 · 12/06/2023 10:17

I wonder if I'm being too shallow sometimes but DH has gained around 5st since we got together 6 years ago and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. I won't disclose his weight on here in case of any cruel comments but he was slightly overweight when we met, but he's tall so pulled it off. His t-shirts don't fit anymore, he has less energy, and intimacy isn't the same. I can't bring myself to tell him because I know he already feels like crap. I love him but I'm not physically attracted to him right now. My friend thinks I'm being awful and shallow (compared it to someone breaking up with their partner over scarring or a physical disability).

I think what bugs me is that early on in our relationship, he said he stopped being attracted to his ex because she "let herself go" and put on loads of weight. It shocked me but I put it down to immaturity. He also told me he liked that I make an effort and he didn't want that to change. I didn't mind the honesty but I feel like he's put that on me yet I'm not worth the effort.

I don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 12/06/2023 10:47

Absolutely YANBU. You can't help not being attracted to him if you aren't attracted to him. Yes maybe it's shallow a little, but it is what it is. Physical scarring etc isn't the same as it's not reversible and has a completely different effect on the psyche of the victim and their family. Weight gain is reversible (in most cases). It's a difficult one though as weight gain is tied up with all sorts including mental health and medication side effects. Is he OK in himself? Depressed or anxious etc?

Franseen · 12/06/2023 11:02

YANBU, being fat and hypocritical isn’t a disability.

NewPinkJacket · 12/06/2023 11:07

YANBU

He holds women to much higher standards, doesn't he?

canigetitmyself · 12/06/2023 11:50

Perhaps you should be honest

Yes being fat isn't attractive but what about his health? He must be pre diabetic if 5/6 stone overweight

Original poster
Boymamabee22 · 12/06/2023 15:23

Heart issues run in his family including myocarditis and heart disease.

Not sure about now but he certainly did @NewPinkJacket

OP posts:
MakeMineADouble81 · 12/06/2023 15:26

YANBU. I have an overweight BIL who broke up with a girl because she went from a size 10 to 14. It's scary how the irony was lost on him. Men are so hypocritical when it comes to weight issues.

Curseofthenation · 12/06/2023 17:13

My DH knows full well that I'm not attracted to overweight people. I wouldn't leave him for being overweight, but it's how I feel with regards to sexual attraction. In return I maintain a healthy weight and make an effort. Your DH a massive hypocrite! I would be honest with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 17:20

You need to be honest, and your hypocrite husband needs to hear it. He's jeopardising his health and his marriage due to his gluttony. You can't let yourself go but it's perfectly fine for him to do the same? Fuck that.

ChrisTrepidation · 12/06/2023 17:27

5 stone?

YANBU. That is a huge weight gain.

Sounds like you should start telling your husband he's let himself go. If it's such a crime for his ex then it should be for him as well.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 12/06/2023 17:31

If he's not seeing a problem how much will he weigh in 5 years?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 12/06/2023 17:31

Never understood the obssession with weigh, but hey ho!

I just want to laugh at the hypocrisy!
So he CAN be ’overweight’, but women must keep up the appearances?! 🙄

Tbh, I’m suprised you kept dating him, so many red flags.

But anyway, since he told you how important looks are, surely he should understand now how you are not attracted to him. Give him his own medicine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2023 17:31

Why are you so much thoughtful about his feelings than he is of yours?

You’re not shallow and gaining that much weight is a choice, barring disability or illness/medication, so not at all comparable to scarring.

Freefall212 · 12/06/2023 17:32

You and him are a well matched pair. Both of you have lost attraction to a partner because they let themselves go. If you think this view is a reflection of immaturity then you are also both on the same maturity waver length.

I would just tell him, hey remember how you told me you lost attraction to Millie because she let herself go? I am pretty much the same way and have lost attraction to you since you let yourself go.

Dacadactyl · 12/06/2023 17:36

If he was my DH I'd tell him straight up "you've put too much weight on and need to get it off because I'm finding it really unattractive". I'd expect him to do the same to me and wouldnt mind.

The only exceptions to this would be if someone had a medical condition/medication that meant weight gain was inevitable.

But if its just through greed then you should be blunt imo.

Crunched · 12/06/2023 17:36

You and him are a well matched pair. Both of you have lost attraction to a partner because they let themselves go.

Freefall212 has called it here. I was expecting to call you shallow but it sounds like you and your DH are similar. For me "Love is not love; which alters when it alteration finds"

Dacadactyl · 12/06/2023 17:39

OK then, what if he put on 20 stone? Is OP still expected to want to be intimate?!

changeyerheadworzel · 12/06/2023 18:00

You don't fancy him when he is fat. Simple. That is not a feeling you can control.
He didn't fancy his ex when she put on loads of weight, he cannot control that either. You still LOVE him but you don't FANCY him and therein lies the difference. People get those 2 mixed up.
I would not find my husband attractive if he put on 5 stone, not a chance and I am pretty sure he would not find me attractive if I became obese either. There is nothing wrong with that. He would still love me and I would still love him but I would not look at him and want to have sex because I don't find overweight people attractive.

The thing in this case he will understand because he was in the same situation with his ex. He hasn't a fat leg to stand on. Tell him.

Peakypolly · 12/06/2023 18:18

He hasn't a fat leg to stand on. 😂

Primor · 12/06/2023 18:48

I put on 5 stone after having DC2 (from a size 8 to a size 16). I was exhausted, had pnd, struggling with a toddler and a newborn having moved to a new country with no support around us. Husband always working. I did everything. I ate my feelings to stay sane during that time.

During a conversation one day, my husband said “I don’t find you attractive any more”.

It broke my heart and I’ve never forgiven him.

That was years ago and I’ve lost the weight gain. He’s friend zoned in my mind now though. I needed to be cherished and sleep. I’ll never forget what he said.

Be kind OP. Try to understand why and support him with that.

Shahira78 · 12/06/2023 18:52

Primor · 12/06/2023 18:48

I put on 5 stone after having DC2 (from a size 8 to a size 16). I was exhausted, had pnd, struggling with a toddler and a newborn having moved to a new country with no support around us. Husband always working. I did everything. I ate my feelings to stay sane during that time.

During a conversation one day, my husband said “I don’t find you attractive any more”.

It broke my heart and I’ve never forgiven him.

That was years ago and I’ve lost the weight gain. He’s friend zoned in my mind now though. I needed to be cherished and sleep. I’ll never forget what he said.

Be kind OP. Try to understand why and support him with that.

Does this mean you are still together but see him as a friend?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/06/2023 21:55

Crunched · 12/06/2023 17:36

You and him are a well matched pair. Both of you have lost attraction to a partner because they let themselves go.

Freefall212 has called it here. I was expecting to call you shallow but it sounds like you and your DH are similar. For me "Love is not love; which alters when it alteration finds"

It’s not about love, which is different to physical attraction. I’d still love my husband if he put on 5 stone but I probably wouldn’t want to have sex with him.

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