Ex problems - 7 years ongoing

[Runner125]

Broke up just over 7 years ago. 1 DC. I did everything, both worked full time (I went back to work after mat leave). Before DC I was happy to do everything, even though I also worked full time, but if I didn’t do it, then it didn’t get done. Well I really struggled to do everything house, bills/insurance wise, shopping etc, a high managerial position where I was on call 24/7 and also worked some evenings and weekends, DC had to come with me on occasions as DH was out with friends, plus looking after DC and DH.
He wouldn’t even put washing machine on, wash dishes, make a sandwich etc, anyway there was and incident with him and OW, he said it was because I wasn’t giving him any attention after DC come along. Anyway I’d had enough of looking after practically two children so ended it. When he left, he said he would make my life hell for aslong as I lived.

Well he’s stuck to his promise. He’s spread rumours and lies and still does, contact was going through mum and my new partner but his behaviour is that awful towards them I feel like it’s not upto them to have to listen to the horrible things he says to them, which are always out of nowhere and one sided, because ‘he’s had a bad day and needs vent’ so I end up having contact with him again, he can send up 40 messages a day saying he hates me, I’m a slag, retard, etc. I have spoken to the police numerous times, he’s been threatened to be arrested, we’ve had mediation, solicitors the lot, it just goes round in circles. I try to keep all this away from DC best as I can.

The issue is he wants me to have a relationship with him that’s on his terms. He wants to tell me what I’m doing all the time, have regular contact with him, go to parents evenings together, I don’t think we need to do this to successfully coparent. The problem is whenever anything slightly doesn’t go his way, he sends me so much abuse telling me I’m a bad mum, I’m damaging our son, I’m a bitch, and I just can’t take being called names all the time, walking on eggshells incase something upsets him or being screamed at and argued with. WWYD? Just shut up and put up for my DC sake? He blames me for the breakdown of the relationship which I did end so maybe justified? If I just do as he says at least I will have a quiet life?

Jesus I'm so sorry that sounds awful.

I don't know what his contact agreement is, but do you need to be talking at all outside of it? Can he just not have prearranged times that you drop off / collect DC and have him blocked ? If there's an emergency he can contact your mother etc. But under the understanding that if he starts his vitriol, she'll also block him?

Unfortunately this is the best I can think of. You can't reason with men like this but the best you can do is tune it out and try and stop him from getting everything on his own terms

Noooooo, you don't just do what this man says.

Set up an email address just for him and block him on all other and of contact.

Check that email once a week, or more if your DC is having contact time with him.

Use "👌" a lot. So if he sends you a ranty email, respond with 👌, if he calls you a bitch/slag/whore/whatever, respond with 👌.

Tell him it's up to him to get correspondence directly from the school and if he wants to go to parents evening that's great, but you won't be going with him.

Apologise to the school but explain you have an abusive ex and you can't be in the same room as him.

Avoid him as much as possible and keep reporting any threatening/intimidating behaviour to the police.

If you allow him to control you, life won't get better, it will get worse. It's so tough but you need to stand your ground otherwise your DC will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal and acceptable and the cycle will continue with the next generation and that is the last thing you want.

Be strong, it will be worth it in the end.

Set up a parenting app eg Our Family Wizard for all communication

How old is dc? Is contact court ordered?

Thank you all so much, there’s some really good suggestions here, the email address is great idea and I’m going to have a look at the parenting app too. I think because I’m in the thick of things and it’s just how he is I couldn’t see a way out. I really appreciate it x

9 years old. DC doesn’t particularly want contact with him. No court order yet, like I say it goes round in circles. Everything’s fine for so long then when something upsets him all hell breaks loose.

The police have threatened to arrest him - go back to the police as often as necessary .

where is drop off ? I if possible avoid pick ups and drop offs . Can he collect drop off at school . If at home say it will no longer take place at home in a public place , or just pop child out the door - say goodbye before opening door then bye - shut the door .

how do you respond to him? Ignore literally don’t reply to anything that doesn’t require a response but do log them .

I would consider blocking him on everything just have a phone on for when she is on contract .

keep reporting harassment . Something has to change or he will continue the same for the next 7 years . You can’t co parent with him dismiss the term . Co parenting is 2 parents working together .. this just isn’t happening or won’t

@Starlightstarbright1 drop off/collection is in a public place as I’ve been threatened before, he’s caused a lot of trouble at school so he’s not welcome there at the moment. I never respond, not that it stops him he just carries on. Now and again I say ok. Yes I keep a log myself. You are so right, I can’t co parent. I need to accept this.

I would get a barring order. block him on everything.
If DC doesn't want contact then don't force him to see this bully.
Let him take you to court with a restraining order already in place to try and get contact. The court will surely see what he's like

You report every single abusive message to the police. Every single time. I would consider a non molestation order and an email address that you can check when you feel like it. Totally ignore anything he sends you. Just don't give him the oxygen. I am shocked that the police have been so useless, this is malicious communication and harassment. They are crimes. He should be arrested!

All of this.

Oh and you need to accept that a co-parenting arrangement isn't possible. Parallel parenting is best and I agree with the poster who said let him take you to court. It's only a matter of time before he starts working on your child. What a vile man.

Could you not use something like OurFamilyWizard then ban all communication outside of this?

It's a communication service where all messages are vetted so no nastiness. Anything abusive messages sent outside can then be reported to the police as harassment.

A friend used this when her kids were small as her ex was a narcissist and would send the constant "if you don't reply I'll take your no response as agreement" type messages, not to mention all the criticism of her parenting. He was ONLY allowed to communicate through this channel and only regarding the kids. They did parents evening together but she kept her phone recording just in case he said anything nasty.

You need to accept that it is not possible to have an amicable coparenting relationship with him, and stop trying. Download one of the parenting apps and use it as the only form of contact. Block his texts, give him the number of a neutral third party as an emergency contact number for when your DC is with him.

Don't let it go round in circles, don't open yourself up to abusive text messages and rants, you do not have to do this in order to be a good mother to your DC.

Make your DC available for contact as agreed, that is all that you are obligated to do. Nothing further. No discussion.

He will eventually realise that there's nothing for him and get bored and go away, but you will need to stick to it, any chink of opportunity to get his hooks back into you and he will. Think of him like an energy vampire, he creates drama and feeds off your upset. It's all done on purpose. Shut it down.

Thank you all so much. All of your advice is great, I needed to hear this x