AIBU to think that puberty might not be a complete nightmare?!

[Outofthepark]

One son coming up to puberty age (11.5) and lots of well meaning friends and neighbours telling me he won't be this happy and calm for long, and the shit is about to hit the fan, and good luck, and constant references to him eating me out of house and home (I'm ready for the last one at least!). Heard it again, unsolicited, on school run this morning from a random bloke at a coffee shop! DS pretty mild mannered, calm and happy but TBF he's quite a big built boy for his age so perhaps that prompts comments?

AIBU in thinking not every kid is going to turn into Kevin & Perry and it might not actually be a complete disaster or should I be unequivocally bracing myself 😄

Yeah I would say pick your battles

Being rude is a battle I would pick every time, with everyone. Obviously how you deal with it might change depending on what you know the person is going through, you might wait for them to calm down first, but I wouldn't ever let it slide.

Well you can stand there and say "how dare you speak to me like that?". Then theoretically they could say it again. What's your next move?

From an early age I always speak politely and respectfully to my kids and expect the same.
The first hint of sass gets pulled up.
It's worked with ours and I do voluntary work with teens too. None of them give me sass either.
On the rare occasions DD has eye rolled I have pointed out she wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of me treating her like that so she can cut it out.
I completely agree with picking your battles, but polite and respectful communication is a red line for me.

I not saying this will work for everyone but it works for me.
Although as a family we rarely argue and DH and I are probably the least shouty people you could meet. Our house just is low conflict.
I grew up in a shouty house and had very high conflict relationship with my Dad and have tried very hard not to repeat that behaviour. My parents argued with each other a lot.

From an early age I always speak politely and respectfully to my kids and expect the same

Yes same....virtually all parents do this don't they?

The first hint of sass gets pulled up.
It's worked with ours and I do voluntary work with teens too. None of them give me sass either.
On the rare occasions DD has eye rolled I have pointed out she wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of me treating her like that so she can cut it out.
I completely agree with picking your battles, but polite and respectful communication is a red line for me.

You still haven't said what you'd do though? I suspect a lot of this is luck. Ok so your dc rolls their eyes and you tell them to stop. What would you do if they dont?

Although as a family we rarely argue and DH and I are probably the least shouty people you could meet

I think a lot of this is genetic...if you are quiet and mild mannered, chances are your dc will be to.

Exactly this, though I am only on my second teen. They are still kind, hilarious and reasonable. That are also very hungry and sleep a lot!

Well you can stand there and say "how dare you speak to me like that?". Then theoretically they could say it again. What's your next move?

Never had to make a next move? Teenagers are people, you shouldn't tolerate from them what you wouldn't from anyone else. I've never had to escalate with my eldest because he has always respected the boundaries we have set and is pretty fearful of consequences. Some strong words, a rational conversation and punishment such as tech ban is enough to keep him in line. I am expecting it to be much more difficult with my youngest who is not NT and has limited grasp of consequences, but all I can say is consistency and absolutely making it clear what is acceptable and what isnt, I cannot fathom the attitude that they're teenagers, you pick your battles etc because it just seems to be letting it slide is condoning it vs a no tolerance attitude. I remember being a teenager, I had a conscience, I could fathom the feelings of others.

Yes, it wasn't tolerated by my parents and I knew where the line was. I pushed the boundaries as far as that line but soon wound my neck in.

They know if you'll tolerate it or not. My friend parents her kids "gently" giving them space to scream and strop, even in public. It can be embarrassing. The truth is, they're a very high conflict, shouty household and it's following on down through the kids.

I have a 19 year old son and 15 year old daughter, they’ve been very pleasant through their teen years. They’re actually really lovely company.

you still haven't said what you'd do though? I suspect a lot of this is luck. Ok so your dc rolls their eyes and you tell them to stop. What would you do if they dont?

Maybe it is luck.
I don't have an arsenal of consequences. I've not needed them.
Our kids generally get that we have reasons to say no.

I would say you're lucky if rudeness and attitude are the most important thing you have to worry about.

Mental health in teenagers is horrendous. It's peak age for being too mentally unwell to go to school, anorexia, self harm. We've seen suicide attempts and months long autistic burnout. These are the things to fear really, rather than eye rolling and backchat. I think that anyone who didn't adjust their parenting strategy and pick their battles in these circumstances would come seriously unstuck. I'm a great believer in "children do well when they can", and I don't go after every little thing that happens when they are in crisis or overwhelmed. They know perfectly well when they have been rude most of the time, they're already ashamed, and pointing it out just encourages self hatred and self harm. So knowing when to let it go is important.

Sorry OP this is not the most cheerful post. It is a fraught time for many kids and parents. However it doesn't change my essential point that teens are really interesting and rewarding people to be around. Y9 tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster though!

Both ds' never changed personality or became overly bolshy or stroppy. If they ever disrespected me they were soon brought back into line.

Apart from pms I didn't experience anything untoward as a teenager, I just had to get on with it.

Everything has to be a thing these days 🙄

Good post @Carrusa. Mental well-being is definitely something to be keeping a close eye on in teens (and related to this- social media/internet use, good nutrition, getting enough sleep, exercise, spending time outside on a regular basis etc).

Although we haven’t had any rudeness or strops from our teens, our DD has needed support at times with disordered eating as well as awful PMS and crippling period pains which have sometimes been bad enough to need a day off school. Those times were challenging for her and for us as her parents.

Carrusa
That's a really valid point. I think teens in the main want to do well and get on with people but it's a tough time for some. I try to create a calm, supporting home but being able to lose your rag and vent is important too.
I hope that maybe one of the reasons this rarely escalates for us is we do try and see why the kids (and us adults) are behaving as we are and consider that too.

My son is 18 in a couple of weeks and I have found the teenage years to be pretty uncomplicated! He had a bit of a wobble during lockdown but other than that he’s still the same laid back, gentle and kind boy he has always been. I’d like to say it’s my spectacular parenting that has made the teenage years so easy but unfortunately I think it’s just the fact he’s pretty laid back and easy going!

I agree that teens want to do well, but they can lack empathy. This is why holding the line on polite communication is important. I also think that it helps to ‘contain’ their feelings. If we tolerate them shouting at us I’m not sure if it helps them learn to self-regulate. I try really hard to hold the line without shaming, but it’s hard not to get angry and escalate things yourself ime

My daughter went to bed one night when she was 11 and woke up in a bad mood, which she's remained in (mostly) for the last two years.
I've got friends who have similar kids to DD and other friends whose DC seem to have avoided the stereotypical teenage phase. It's a lottery. The ones who are stereotypically moody are bloody hard work though.

My ds1 will be 12 in July and is already a bloody nightmare. It's so hard to get anything out of him other than a grunt!! I feel, after reading this thread that I may have massively fucked up as a parent. Heck!!

@SwirlyShirly, I doubt you’ve fucked up. Yes, of course bad parents exist but I don’t agree with some of the comments here from posters who seem to think it is always poor parenting to blame for difficult teen behaviour. I think it’s mostly luck. Hormonal changes will hit some kids harder than others. Different personality types will respond to those hormonal changes differently. Peers will also have an influence.

I don’t think I’m a particularly spectacular parent. I’m probably an ok parent but have seemingly got lucky with two fairly easy teens. (Hope I’m not jinxing it now!) One of them was an absolute horror of a toddler though so swings and roundabouts! I know some great parents with very difficult teens. I’m sure you’re doing your best. 💐

I found the first year of secondary school the worst for Kevin and Perry type attitude but it soon passed!