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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my feelings are hurt

8 replies

sigfey · 11/06/2023 18:41

Have been seeing a guy for a while, he was supposed to be coming to mine this evening.

I have had a hideous migraine since last night, completely intractable and unresponsive to the pharmacy of pills I've knocked back.

Guy was initially very keen and proactive, but over the past couple of weeks has become progressively worse at messaging me back. We used to have chats on whatsapp in realtime, now it's a strange kind of burst of messages, then a reply a day later. It doesn't feel like conversation. He has ADHD and has been having a hard time recently, so I have tried not to take it personally - I was pretty sure (based on how he acts) that this doesn't reflect his feelings for me have changed. However I could be wrong.

This morning he replied to my messages from yesterday and asked what time he should come round. I immediately replied saying I was still feeling awful, and would he be ok to do another day? I suggested tomorrow or wed so he'd know I wasn't brushing him off.

I had assumed because I replied immediately, presumably while the phone was still in his hand, he'd get back to me. But nope, no reply and nothing 8 hours later.

AIBU to have really hurt feelings by this? I feel so ill, and if the situation was reversed (and even if it was a friend or collegue messaging) I'd get back to them quickly saying no problem, feel better, I can do X date instead.

So as not to dripfeed, there is a chance he is feeling insecure, like I am making excuses etc but without having a conversation with him (I haven't seen him in person since the messaging got bad) it's impossible for me to tell

Have had work task looming over me that should have only taken an hour yest, and feel full of dread and anxiety. Ugh.

OP posts:
sigfey · 11/06/2023 18:47

also probably worth adding I've had a lifetime of people assuming migraine is synonymous with cba/hungover/convenient excuse to get out of something so I can be a little paranoid about it!

OP posts:
EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 18:49

Perhaps you're just not compatible with one another. Your communication styles and expectations are too different.

Richandstrange · 11/06/2023 18:53

I don't think you're unreasonable to be hurt OP no, a basic level of engaged communication and kindness and concern for a fellow human is the very least I would expect, even from the most casual of relationships, so your bf wouldn't make the grade for me. Sorry Flowers

sigfey · 11/06/2023 19:07

EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 18:49

Perhaps you're just not compatible with one another. Your communication styles and expectations are too different.

thanks this is a good point, I suppose what I need to know is that when he acts like this it isn't a) because he's having a mental health crisis or b) that he's no longer into the relationship

i think if I knew that I'd cope a lot better with it!

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 11/06/2023 19:10

Too much hard work, too soon. These should be the fun days where he can’t wait for your texts.

I have ADHD too so I get the text avoidance, but for a new guy I always had time to text.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/06/2023 19:26

A bag of frozen peas on my head and taking paracetamol and ibuprofen together is the only thing I've found that works for mine.

Caraduneytunes · 11/06/2023 19:32

Take care of your health and don’t spend extra energy on him. You did the considerate thing and offered another day.

i myself find texting exhausting, and don’t like to carry on with it - I don’t like to look at my phone all the time, and I put it away often.

you might just not have compatible communication styles?

in any case, it’s not yours to figure out alone - if he wants to make it work, he can put in some work too. If not, then let him go

flimsywhimsy · 11/06/2023 19:52

When you're feeling better, I'd try to have an honest talk with him about it. You have nothing to lose with explaining in an unaccusatory tone that you don't like being left hanging with no reply. If he's interested in you, he'll make an effort. If he can't be bothered, better to find out before you're even more invested.

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