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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that we should stop telling people to move on

8 replies

MidnightMeltdown · 11/06/2023 16:33

I see this all the time on here. Some poor soul has just had their heart shattered, and inevitably, someone will come along and say 'you need to move on', as if this^^ is some kind of helpful advice.

I think that most people who have had their heart broken know that they need to 'move on' at some point, but moving on emotionally is not as simple as popping to the next room. Usually people need time to grieve, experience, and fully process their emotions before they are ready to even consider 'moving on', whatever this actually means from an emotional standpoint.

Often people will try to 'move on' in some sense. They may move physically, get new friends/hobbies, maybe start a new relationship, but this doesn't necessarily mean that emotional pain just disappears. Emotions don't work like that. Chances are that intrusive thoughts, reminders, and uninvited emotions will still pop up. Moving on emotionally isn't something that you can just decide to do, and there is no set timescale.

I recognise that there may be some cases where it is slightly more justified (i.e. where someone has put their life on hold pining after an ex for the past 10 years), but when someone has just experienced a horrendous breakup, divorce, or an abusive relationship, it just seems like such an insensitive thing to say. It's the equivalent of saying 'get over it'. It completely disregards the difficulty of this process, and the intense emotional pain associated with a breakup.

Don't even get me started on 'you need to stop giving him/her headspace...'

Interested to know what others think when they see this 'advice' dished out.

AIBU to think that clichés like this are unhelpful?

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 11/06/2023 16:45

I mainly see it given as advice when necessary, to be honest.

We had a poster here and every problem was because of "The X". She posted rant after rant about how her family court lawyer had been useless, obsessing over minute details. She never took responsibility. Her son missed a uni application deadline - the ex's fault. Despite them living with her full time. That's the sort who needs to move on because in the meantime her relationship with her kids suffered.

It was relatively recent events but if you're in a position of responsibility for others then you have to make it through.

MMMarmite · 11/06/2023 16:45

I agree. Most people move on from things when they can. Grief and trauma happen when things hit you that are hard to move on from.

It's not one size fits all; "the same" loss or breakup can be easier or harder to move on from depending on what it meant to you, what's happened in your past, what other support or stressors you have in your life.

Support on how to re-engage with life can be important, but that needs to be in parallel with a process of grieving, feeling the emotions and making sense of the loss.

Telling people to move on is easy to say, but mostly just pushes their pain into hiding, as they now feel judged that it is "too much".

Spamlla · 11/06/2023 16:48

I don’t think you have to move on. You’re entitled to your grief, anger and sadness. You’ll move on when you’re ready, not when people tell you to. It’s like a bereavement, you’ve lost someone from your life and it’s ok to have feelings about that.

Zebedee55 · 11/06/2023 16:50

I don't know...my DH died seven weeks ago, and I'm not sure where I can move on to.

The best I'm doing is to drag myself out of bed every morning and try to keep to a routine.

Life is now mainly about acting positive, so that I don't distress the family.🙁

sonjadog · 11/06/2023 16:51

I think it is often said in situations where the other person has been dumping their emotions on someone else over a longer time. It is a way of saying "enough now" without saying exactly that. If you are upset because a lot of people are saying it to you and you aren't ready to move on, it might be a sign that you need to find professional help with getting over your breakup.

HereComes5432TheSummerFUN · 11/06/2023 16:57

We cannot change the past

We can learn from our mistakes & make a better future

Some people take a long time to move forwards, sometimes years

Everyone is different, however I don't think that there is anything wrong in wishing someone to move forwards, onwards to something better

MMMarmite · 11/06/2023 16:57

sonjadog · 11/06/2023 16:51

I think it is often said in situations where the other person has been dumping their emotions on someone else over a longer time. It is a way of saying "enough now" without saying exactly that. If you are upset because a lot of people are saying it to you and you aren't ready to move on, it might be a sign that you need to find professional help with getting over your breakup.

I think "enough now" would be kinder and more honest. Then you're saying "I'm sorry, I have reached my limit of how much support I can give you" . Rather than "you need to move on" which suggests there is something wrong with them if they don't fit into your preferred timeline.

sonjadog · 11/06/2023 17:17

MMMarmite · 11/06/2023 16:57

I think "enough now" would be kinder and more honest. Then you're saying "I'm sorry, I have reached my limit of how much support I can give you" . Rather than "you need to move on" which suggests there is something wrong with them if they don't fit into your preferred timeline.

Yes, I think you are probably right about that.

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