'Incompetent men', can they ever change?

[OwlRightThen]

I love my dh very much and I know he loves me but omg the strategic incompetence drives me insane.

Usual story, he holds down a good job, useless at home. I am BURNT OUT. We have have 3 disabled children/young adults, he works full time, I work a few hours a week so do everything re the children. He washes up, cleans the kitchen, cooks at weekends. The mental load is all on me. He will do anything I ask with no grumbling and no problem, but it's the fact you have to ask/tell/direct isn't it?

I'm exhausted this weekend. He couldn't decide what to cook for tea last night so dithered over it for an hour when I refused to tell him what to make. I've asked him to change the bedding today and he texts me to ask what pillowcases I want. I ignored him again. He asked me if the clean bedding needed to go in the cupboard. I just looked at him and ignored.

He will sometimes blame his asd. I'm also autistic and manage! I know it's different for everyone but i honestly feel like I'm a carer for 4 people not just 3 some days.

How do I get him to understand the mental load? I'm honestly thinking of messaging him every 5 mins tomorrow. What time do I need to pick x up? What should I cook for tea? Do I need to put a wash load on? What should I use to clean the bathroom? Does the clean washing on the stairs need to go in the cupboard? What should I make everyone for lunch? What time should I leave to get to get to y's appt at such and such a time? Oh you wanted me to do your washing? you didn't ask me to do it so I didn't know. Aibu to do this allllllllll week?

By texting him every second of the day you are just adding to your mental work load. He won’t think, omg op is right I’ll really pull up my socks and adult.

sit down with tell him.
my ex was like this, and my children would like to be like this .

every question I’m asked my response is:

I don’t know.

or where have you looked.

or hmm keep looking.

when they shout at me from another room, I respond every time with: I can’t hear you I’m not in the same room. I do not rush to them. It’s is working. But it was hard work.

He’s not incompetent. He holds down a job and manages to act like an adult out of the home. He’s deliberately making it such a nightmare when he does jobs at home that you will eventually cave in and do it all.

You each need defined roles. Then if he asks you can just say it’s not your job.

Following for more tips!

State you want to live with a grown up.

Look blank a lot when asked questions. Do not pick the slack up, do not control what happens, let him fail.

Well to begin with sounds like there is a lot to do with 3 disabled DCs. The facts that he washes up, cleans and cooks means he isn't doing nothing and the fact that he's willing to do whatever is asked is a good thing as well.

Is there scope for giving him defined tasks and showing him what to do. I get that is frustrating, but something like bed changing if you tell him it needs doing once a fortnight or week depending on household standards and tell him exactly what to do first time, then he should be able to get on with it - no ? Or putting out bins.

For cooking I hear what you are saying, but surely better if he cooks the same dish once a week and Saturday becomes spaghetti bolognaise night or whatever, than having ongoing stand offs about it.

Do you micro manage him tho? Or complain that he's done x, y and z wrong when he does it himself?

My MIL is like this, she moans about my FIL "needing her help to know where stuff goes or what to do with it", but God help him if he tries to put something away and its not in the exact spot she'd have put it. Or if he's not read her mind and knows what she wants for dinner.

Just something to think about in case you have a tendency to be a bit like that too.

Sorry OP but that last paragraph made me chuckle, think just to prove a point I would say yes do this.

I'd make a list of jobs you want him to do every week and stick it on the fridge. Laminate it and let him tick it off as he does them. Once all jobs are done rub off and next week he can do them again.

I wouldn't say incompetent because he holds down a good job and he's trying to help with things. My DH uses the fact he has been at work all day as a reason not to do things and the majority of parenting calls to me (he drops off at school on a morning and a couple of afternoons when I have meetings). However household jobs like cleaning, cooking, shopping, organising kids, bath time, bedtime, anything wife like is all mine.

He does do the bins once a week and the cats for me though as I'm pregnant and refuse to do litter trays 🤣

But why should she be managing the behaviour of her adult husband? Why should she spend her time every week allocating him tasks, why can't he agree with her what needs doing on a regular basis and spend time organising himself? Is he a child? At work is he capable of doig his job without being micromanaged on every detail - so why not at home?

The answer is she shouldn't! But this strategy might work for a while and at least give OP a bit of help

As for your title OP I believe 100% they can change cos in this case he isn't incompetent just choosing to act that way. But unfortunately I think you'll have to train him like a child. I always advise people to get away for a night or a long day and just leave things be, not to spite him but for him to see for himself how much work goes into certain things. Then you should do a list up together. Good luck OP.

@LaMaG I went away for 5nights to do ivf in Cyprus. Leaving my DH with DS. I think he appreciated how much there is to do but left most of it and I just had more to do when I got home 🤣

I've got one like this OP....I don't think they do change IMO and I know that mine doesn't do it on purpose. I haven't really found a solution as such, but have just come to accept he is how he is, and dish out the chores! As much as I shouldn't have to. In terms of the constant questions I do often respond with 'I don't know', or 'whatever you think best', if I really haven't got the headspace. The other thing I have found helpful is that we divvy up the cognitively demanding tasks e.g. he'll arrange the car insurance and I'll do the home insurance etc...

The thing is that they don't change in retirement either, so you will spend the rest of your life skivvying if it's set up like this.

Happily my DH has woken up to the fact he is no longer a visitor but another adult in the house. It's really good actually, if they do step up.

She'd only have to do the list once. It would take 5 minutes. Then he just works down same list each week leaving her to other jobs.

He won't change, because what's in it for him? He doesn't want to do any more than he does, and he's got away with it so far.