Demanding friends

[Mistressofpemberly]

There have been lots of threads on here about ‘flaky’ friends who are difficult to arrange meet ups with because they are so busy. The final judgement on here usually goes along the lines of ‘if they can’t make time for you then they are not a friend’.
an alternative view: I have a demanding and busy job including a commute, plus single mother to two teens one requiring special support. And I have some health issues though these are well managed at the moment. I like and need a bit of downtime but don’t often get it.

My closest and oldest friends are 2-3 hours away or in other countries. We stay in touch but meet ups are understandably infrequent. Most of these old friends have grown children who have left home. I’ve always struggled with friend A who wants to put another date in the diary as soon as we meet. Friend B almost never comes to me and constantly makes digs by text about how I don’t make time for her. We would usually meet up 1 - 2 times a year and go away together for a couple of nights every other year. Covid impacted this. Friend B has also become more difficult to socialise with as she has developed specific ideas about what she can and can’t do eg. Won’t drive (has a car), won’t meet anywhere unfamiliar, wants me to make all decisions and I have to meet her somewhere and take her to destination as she “can’t” work out how to get there and might get lost.

I would like to see B so I’ve extended offer to come to see me and stay over. All agreed though it will be difficult as have building work going on but I’d like to see her. she is now demanding that the weekend is just for “us”. After 10 years on my own I met a lovely man during covid. I’d like her to meet him. And it would be weird if she didn’t as he lives very close to me. But friend B doesn’t want to and feels betrayed that I am “prioritising him into our time”.
Am I a bad friend? I do love my friends but it feels like I’m constantly pressured into making arrangements when I have little time for myself / kids / DP and really struggle. The friends whose lives are similar to mine are not demanding at all. We stay in contact and grab opportunities to meet up if we can but don’t pressure each other over it.

so AIBU

• yes = you are a bad friend
• no = but you do need to sort your life out so juggling is easier

A bit of yes and no. Your new bf lives very close to you. You see your friend once a year. Of course you can go a weekend without seeing him. If he popped in to say hi then left after five minutes, fine.

you just need to make clear that while you care for them greatly your time pressures are really excessive and you're struggling to find extra time for socialising. As long as you do it with kindness, making clear you can be available X often then they should be ok and understand. If you're not being clear about the demands on your time then how can they know and they could easily interpret this as flakiness or indifference.

I know what you mean about time pressures, fitting everything in etc.
However friend B is coming to see you, not to meet your fella. I think YABU about that bit.

I'm quite similar to you although tbh I really hate when I only see a friend once or twice a year and she tries to get her bf involved, with all due respect I don't care about him I don't need to hang out with him or meet him. A quick coffee would maybe be fine but it's never a quick coffee.

It's hard finding time to fit everything in but really if it's a 2 or 3 night stay does your bf need to be involved?

You have TWO friends so whilst I understand life is exhausting with work and teens, managing two friends you see so irregularly doesn’t sound too hard or shouldn’t be!

Prioritising your boyfriend isn’t cool either, there is no way I would want to spend the whole weekend with someone’s partner.

It would be foolish to lose all friends, and have a life without them as they add such richness. I would make time for them using annual leave if I had to - and would tell bf you are busy the weekend your friend comes to visit.

Yes YABU to bring your bf along when your friend has come to see YOU!

YABVU to invite your boyfriend along when you're seeing a friend that you see so infrequently - it's so tedious when friends do this.

One of your friends does sound quite inflexible, but it's up to you to push back on this and set some boundaries of your own.

Thanks for replies.
I have found them helpful.

as always with mumsnet there are replies based on not reading the original post!

• it wouldn’t be all weekend with boyfriend - just to get them to meet.
• I don’t only have two friends I just gave two examples of the ones I find difficult / demanding though I love them dearly.

If the situation was reversed I would be delighted that B had a new partner after so long alone and would think it very odd to not meet them at least briefly.
Other peoples partners can be difficult and sometimes we just tolerate them. But we are not youngsters and DP not at all overbearing. He’s quiet but great with people and I know he would make every effort to put her at ease and get on with her without making it all about him.

There are other issues with B. Though I love her I don’t often find seeing her easy or relaxing. But think I have to separate these issues and make it work however it works best with her.

conclusion: I’ve offered her to meet or not meet him without pressure. Though I still think it’ll be weird!

I think rather than good or bad friend sometimes it's a case of not being the right fit for each other. It sounds like A and B need more out of the friendship than you have the capacity to give but it doesn't make anyone in the wrong.

Maybe B is sad about her own home life, aspirations and reality and expecting her to be ‘happy for you’ may not be possible at the moment. That would fit with the idea she isn’t interested in meeting him. It can also come across as gloating - look at how lucky I am - how amazing he is etc kind of thing.

I am often too tired to see my friends, but know life wouldn’t be as lovely without them so I make the effort.

Thank you. I think there is an event of that although she is an intelligent, independent and successful woman.

Ive been really careful about not gloating. Only superficial mention of it between us - it’s like the elephant in the room.

At my age after so long on my own I find it really difficult negotiating new relationship and moving forward with it. I am happy though and it feels odd that my friend seems to want to ignore it!

but I’ll accept that may be part of keeping our friendship.

Actually your friend sounds in a bad place and you can’t be responsible for that. If you are being sensitive around her that’s all you can do.
I wouldn’t let this ruin your happiness or have it minimised. Why not acknowledge it’s a difficult subject when you are with her? Maybe she will open up about the reasons why, and it keeps it real between you.

Does your boyfriend have local friends, maybe a group meet up for an hour at the pub would be a more fun way to introduce them. Takes the pressure away.

Things might develop between you and she is going to have to accept he is part of your life, potentially long term at some point.

How old is B? It sounds like she's having cognitive issues.

I find managing infrequent friends very difficult, it's not like you're popping in and out for coffee all the times, so meetings become a real thing.

I have to admit I've given up.

The bigger issue of your friendships is a whole other matter, but you have invited her to stay and she's coming so that's all good. Please don't make her meet your BF when she doesn't want to. Why should she? That's so awkward. You see him a lot and you hardly see her. It's not about her being demanding. It's just unnecessary to mix the two and honestly a bit demanding of you, and/or a bit sappy. Surely you can manage a w/e with your friend without him.

We are both late 50s (late bloomers re: kids).
Of course it’s not an issue of not managing without him for a weekend! I just would like two people important to me to meet.

Going away alone with B later in the year so if they don’t meet on this visit then it could well be next year. And then I’ll probably hit the same issue again.

Multiple issues at play here with DF.

Thanks for replies as they have helped crystallise that to maintain friendship I’ll have to be more understanding even if I find it very strange.

Totally agree with this. It’s one weekend of prioritising a friend you don’t see much of.
She specifically wants you two to spend the time just the two of you.

I actually think it’s more weird for you to try and insist she meets your partner than it is for her to want it to be just you two.

I have friends scattered far and wide and when they come to me or I go to them, that’s our time, no one else involved.

If you do end up in a LTR with this man, there’s plenty of time for them to cross paths without it being a forced and uncomfortable scenario

Thanks for replies as they have helped crystallise that to maintain friendship I’ll have to be more understanding even if I find it very strange.

I think that's a good move for this weekend visit at least. She's not there to see him and I doubt he's bothered about meeting her except that you want him to. There's always pressure on these situations unless someone is v sociable, which doesn't sound to be the case here, so best to take the pressure off.

I'm on the fence here. It would be usual for anyone not to introduce a new boyfriend to a friend however as this is a rare yearly catch up for 2 days only, I wouldnt be making plans to spend any time with anyone else unless friend specifically wanted to. I dont think she's being unreasonable and in her position, if you'd said BF was coming round Saturday I might say 'Oh I didn't know you had plans. Would next weekend be better'.
That's not to say he can't 'show his face', but I really would expect it to be a fleeting visit. If the relationship develops further then yes, I'd expect him to become a bigger part of your life. If you end up living together even more so, but atm, no, keep it to just the 2 of you.

I think it’s reasonable to introduce the two- maybe bring him to lunch or for a coffee while she is staying, but for the bulk of the time she is there to be just you two. It’s odd she has no interest in meeting him at all.

I wholeheartedly agree that sometimes is can be really difficult to see friends often when you have kids. 5 very young kids- husband and I work opposing shifts/days. My closest friend has a son with very complex needs and we mostly just have text/phone conversations now but we do talk daily. I have another friend I haven’t seen in 5 years as she only ever wants to meet up to go clubbing and I’ve been consistently pregnant/breastfeeding since 2013. Which the except of the month we got married where husband and I had our one night away from the kids and I can home pregnant 😂

I don't think it's wholly unreasonable, maybe have him pop in for a drink then disappear for dinner, or does your friend know any of your other relatives? May be having a small get together with a few people for a hour or so might be a compromise.
If I had an old friend coming then I might say that my dsis was popping in for a cuppa and to say hello.