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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

regarding a funeral next week...

25 replies

lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 14:54

to think that its a bit odd to attend the funeral of someone you never met, who's partner you have never met but are just friends of the son of the person who has died?

not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me and need some opinions to keep me sane !

OP posts:
sophiewd · 21/02/2008 14:56

No, to me you are supporting the friend who's parent has died which to them is important.

LadybirdG · 21/02/2008 14:56

I agree with sophiewd

ConnorTraceptive · 21/02/2008 14:57

I always think funerals are about the people left behind not the deceased so if it would mean alot to the son for someone who didn't know his dad to attend then no that's not odd at all really.

oops · 21/02/2008 14:57

Message withdrawn

toratora · 21/02/2008 14:58

I agree with Sophiewd. At my Mum's funeral friends of mine who had never met her came to support me and that meant a lot to me.

Original poster
lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 15:00

the thing is they sort of invited themselves, I do understand the bit about supporting relatives but im concerned they are attending just because they hate to be left out of anything and I'm also worried about the husband of the wonderful lady who had died suddenly turning around and wondering who on earth these people are.

does that make sense?

OP posts:
madamez · 21/02/2008 15:01

Have you been invited? Does your friend want you to go along? I have been to one or two funerals where I did not know the dead person but went to support a close friend or relative of the corpse who wanted a good turnout on the day.
I think it's a nice thing to do if your friend wants you there. THe dead person, after all, is not in a position to mind.

LadyOfWaffle · 21/02/2008 15:02

Agree with Sophiewd - when DHs dad died, my mum went even though she had never met or spoke to him.

Original poster
lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 15:02

no its not me I'm referring to, I've known the couple for years and she was like a second mother to me, this is a friend of their son (and a friend of mine).

OP posts:
girlfrommars · 21/02/2008 15:04

Different countries/cultures have different attitudes. My uncle has lived in Ireland for years, and when my grandma (his mother) died, two of his work colleagues came over to England for the funeral 'to pay their respects'.

Original poster
lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 15:04

i think im being over sensitive, it doesnt really matter what their motives are if it helps my friend and I'm sure her husband wont even notice who's there.

OP posts:
MAMAZON · 21/02/2008 15:06

I sent some flowers to a friend whose father had died.
they were to say sorry for her loss. i may not have known her father but i knew her adn felt how hurt she was.

pooka · 21/02/2008 15:06

I think this sounds rather a nice gesture. I went with my husband and several other friends to the funeral of dh's childhood friends' mother. So I had maybe met her once. DH more often. But we were there to demonstrate support for our friend.
I think the husband might actually be rather pleased to see a good turnout.

Original poster
lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 15:08

oooh no, now i feel like an evil bitch for feeling a bit funny about it

OP posts:
jamsambam · 21/02/2008 15:10

when my dad passed away we had a great funeral, our cousains came, thier partners, thier friends, neighbours who had only met dad a few times, it was good. BUT..and a big BUT...i went to a funeral last week of my mums friend who i had only met twice and spent the whole time crying uncontrolably at the back because it reminded me of dad, not a good move!

so if it was me, i wouldnt go to any funeral unless i knew them/met them a few times or i was asked by a friend.

Funerals are an odd place, sometimes they can be really positive for the family an dother times they can be awful. I still have flashbacks to my nephews funeral after 10 years.

chiefcookandbottlewasher · 21/02/2008 15:11

i think you're right LMB, when dh's sister died suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of years ago six of his friends came to the funeral to support him. They had only met her once, and very briefly, but it meant the world to dh that his friends cared enough for him to come and pay their respects.
To me, whaever their motives had been, it didn't matter and dh's mother took great comfort from the fact that so many mourners attended.

chiefcookandbottlewasher · 21/02/2008 15:13

x-posted - typing one handed takes ages! meant i think you're right when you say that you may be being oversensitive.

RosaIsRed · 21/02/2008 15:14

When DD2's best friend's gran died I went to the funeral even though I had never met her. I knew her husband to speak to and her daughter fairly well and I felt it was the respectful thing to do. But then I am Irish and everyone goes to everyone's funeral there - my mum doesn't consider her week complete without one.

Original poster
lottymadbird · 21/02/2008 15:16

its me i know it is, this persons first words after hearing she had died were "oh great, Ive never been to a funeral", think that got my back up but am going to let it go now, thanks for the breath of sanity MNers!

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 21/02/2008 15:43

Ah well, that IS an odd comment! You could be right about the motives.

On the whole, though, anyone who is a friend of a close relative of the deceased can reasonably go to the funeral,imho, and, as long as they behave appropriately (which the comment might make me doubt), their presence would not be inappropriate.

nospringchicken · 21/02/2008 15:43

When my father died two or 3 of my brother's friends came; they'd never met my dad but my brother welcomed the support. They'd gone to the trouble of taking time off work etc to have a really grim day - they were very welcome - as were a few of my (very early !) childhood friends who came along. I moved hundreds of miles away from my family, but never mind that, these were people I'd "played out" with at the age of 5, 6, 7 etc. It was incredibly touching to see them there.

sophiewd · 21/02/2008 16:15

Mind you if I had heard that comment I would be a bit

MrsTittleMouse · 21/02/2008 17:38

Strange comment.

I do think that there is nothing sadder though than a funeral where no-one attends. I think that it is lovely to "pay your respects" whether it's because of your relationship with the deceased or with the people who are grieving. A church full of people is a comfort that the person who died really meant something to the community.

madamez · 21/02/2008 20:17

In some cultures and communties (particularly to older people) a funeral can be percieved as a bit of a 'good day out', as well. On balance I think most bereaved people would prefer a good crowd there rather than no one, but let's hope the OP's possibly-odd acquaintances don't think they need to turn up veiled, all in black, and holler their heads off all the way through or anything...

Original poster
lottymadbird · 22/02/2008 11:02

madamez, oh god i never thought of that !

OP posts:
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