Aibu to step away when my dd back chats and swears?

Minimili · 11/06/2023 03:43

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 03:17

And often says very hurtful personal stuff to me in front of people
to be quite honest she talks about and to me like a piece of shit
if I put in consequences like no phone and grounding she acts like the world has ended and it becomes so much I half way give in
when she puts me down I step away and want to retreat, so I start going silent and don’t say anything. I don’t know what else to do as I don’t want to get in argument

wwyd?

Why are you giving her the power to think she can get away with this?!

I read your post and it’s like I could hear my own younger voice in my head. I was too scared to stand up to anyone but then couldn’t understand why they didn’t respect me.

You are the parent- you don’t have to put up with this. Stop letting her walk all over you and being passive aggressive. It’s like you think she’ll notice that you are stepping back and be concerned and beg you to interact with her. Teenagers are self obsessed and she really won’t notice!

Nip this level of disrespect in the bud now, call her out on it. If she insults you then ask her for tips on being perfect.

I feel like you’ve got more to say that you haven’t included in your post. It’s unusual to let yourself be treated in such a disrespectful way without there being a traumatic history.

stand up to your daughter and for yourself, please teach her by example, do you want her to be feeling like this and cowering from the world?!
You need to teach her that people don’t like bullies!

I think you should look further into why you are so soft and bad with confrontation. Stand strong and be a good role model!

WandaWomblesaurus · 11/06/2023 03:51

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 03:17

And often says very hurtful personal stuff to me in front of people
to be quite honest she talks about and to me like a piece of shit
if I put in consequences like no phone and grounding she acts like the world has ended and it becomes so much I half way give in
when she puts me down I step away and want to retreat, so I start going silent and don’t say anything. I don’t know what else to do as I don’t want to get in argument

wwyd?

She's controlling you and you are letting her. If she's like this to you then how is she behaving to other kids?
Hold the line on consequences.

ToeJammed · 11/06/2023 04:04

You've just answered your own question when you say halfway through the punishment you give in.
You're the parent, you rule your kids, not the kids ruling you, otherwise you're making a very big rod for your own back.
Next time she starts on, you need to give her the sharp edge of your tongue and remove all of her gadgets and grounding her for as long as it takes her to learn some manners and respect.
Start by stopping being weak.
Mine are in their thirties and they still wouldn't dare speak to me like that.

WhoWants2Know · 11/06/2023 05:51

How old is she, OP?

Dontsparethehorses · 11/06/2023 06:01

You don’t want to get into an argument but you have to accept you are her parent not her friend. You have to teach her that actions have consequences. Her over reacting is her trying to make you lower the consequences. You teach her that doesn’t work. Otherwise she will feel entitled to treat others in the same way. Help her to learn what respect looks like and that starts with how she talks to/ about you at home or when others are there…

TrashyPanda · 11/06/2023 07:13

Parenting has to be consistent.

NEmama · 11/06/2023 07:21

Be the adult. Put her in her fucking place every time she acts like this. Do not stand for it.
Fucking hell

Fairislefandango · 11/06/2023 07:27

Don't back down on the consequences you've imposed for her behaviour.
Don't 'retreat' when she talks to you like that. Firmly and calmly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that you will continue to impose consequences and/or withdraw privileges if it continues.
Find ways of praising and rewarding good behaviour and polite treatment of you. Not with material bribery, but going out and doing something nice together, making her favourite meal etc.

007DoubleOSeven · 11/06/2023 07:27

In giving way to her each time, you demonstrate that her bad behaviour works and gets her her own way.

Close your ears to it and stop backing down. Or she'll grow up believing that horrible, abusive and nasty behaviour is OK when it comes from her.

The first few times you don't give in, her tantrums will be worse but she'll soon learn.

If you don't discipline her, she'll just get worse and worse.

twinklystar23 · 11/06/2023 08:06

Everything others have said OP. I worked for many years with children with challenging behaviours. I recently had a colleague who was experiencing similar with her daughter. You don't give her age. Though another poster seemed to think she was a teenager. My colleagues daughter was 9 years old, and would go into meltdowns, colleague was convinced she needed to go to CAMHS. Her own background was interesting in that she was equally devalued by her family. Like you, she was a bit overwhelmed and would back down. A bit of bolstering her that she could do this, be the parent and set boundaries with consequences for bad behaviour resulted in a complete behaviour change.

Maybe examine why you "back down" if you are really struggling to stick to or see through a consequence. It might be worth thinking of a consequence that would impact her, but that would be something you could see through. So it may be the length of time that you impose as a punishment. Or it could be, initially the " severity" of the punishment. What it will do is give the message that you are her parent.

As another poster said the initial reactions will be quite extreme. Though hopefully you will see changes soon after seeing it through. That the strops will cease in length/ intensity.
Good luck OP,

Original poster

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 10:18

Thank you all
I think it’s just got to a point where I feel completely drained and I know I’m not handling it right.

yes I do have a history of dv with my prev partner

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 10:18

I know I need to stay firm but it’s so hard as she is so argumentative about everything it makes me just want to hide away

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 10:20

I feel like no matter what I do it’s never enough and she’s always ready to say I haven’t done something when I’m breaking my back to do everything
yesterday a shitty person I know told her I wasn’t there for her at an event and she just went in on me about it! It’s so horrible I feel I can’t take anymore

OP posts:

Dontsparethehorses · 17/06/2023 05:10

Sometimes just agreeing with her can shift the power balance - don’t try and make excuses eg. Why you weren’t there at the event. Acknowledge that you understand that it was disappointing for her, that you would have loved to be there but it wasn’t possible.

Bibittybobittyboop · 17/06/2023 06:09

OP, please, please keep correcting her behaviour. Back-chat and bad behaviour makes it difficult, but if you don't correct it and/or give in, it stays and they never show respect for boundaries.

My parents were like this with me. I only realised years later it was weak parenting and did us all a disservice. With my own children, I realise now why they gave in/up (plus, they had 5 kids). I have a much better relationship with my own kids by being firm with what I will accept and won't. It is hard!

Weenurse · 17/06/2023 06:13

Micheal Carr Gregg wrote a book called princess bitchface.
I have not read the book but I have heard him speak and he offered a lot of practical advice. Good luck

Oblomov23 · 17/06/2023 07:01

Come on. You need to parent properly. This is terrible parenting.