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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner keeps leaving our family to stay with mum

18 replies

Mama6x · 11/06/2023 00:20

I need to vent about this and maybe get some good advice. My partner regularly staya away at his Mums and im so tired of being left to deal with everything. We have 6 kids aged 11y-5m, one ASD and i've also recently been diagnosed ASD as well as having a physical disability and mental health issues but I do my absolute best every single day. My issue is i am so fed up of my partner once a month going to stay at his mums for days each time leaving me to deal with everything. I dont get a say or opinion in it. He went for 4 days mid may and hes currently away again this time for 6 days. He gets 28 days holiday per year from work which refreshes every January. He has just 3 days left cos hes used almost all of them to go stay at his mums. I get zero downtime and break because im breastfeeding our youngest. I dont know what to say or do because he doesnt think this is abnormal or wrong. I dont understand how he can keep swanning off for days as a father and not see its ridiculous. He wanted this life just as much as i did or so i thought. I know people will ask am i sure he is at his Mums and id like to clarify that he definitely is at his mums so i know he isnt staying elsewhere. He is so attached to his mum and he feels terrible when he doesnt see her for a few weeks. I get on really well with his mum and i dont get why she hasnt told him its not right. He doesnt realise he is chipping away at my faith in this relationship. Am i being totally unreasonable in thinking hes totally selfish for constantly swanning off? Or am i ok to feel this way and what can i do to get through to him. Its depressing me so much.

OP posts:
Mybusyday · 11/06/2023 00:38

Sounds like my DH - every weekend he stays at his DM’s, he says it is to keep her company as she is on her own meanwhile I am the one at home having to deal with looking after the house and DC. I’m pretty definite he is with her as no matter what time I video call he is in her house. I wouldn’t dream of going away and leaving him and DC every weekend! You are most definitely not being unreasonable!

Nevermind31 · 11/06/2023 00:43

Send the children with him (at least the 5 oldest) - that way he can see his mum AND have quality time with the kids.

2chocolateoranges · 11/06/2023 00:44

If my dh kept doing this I’d be telling him to stay at his mums full time. He has a partner , children and responsibilities, he can’t keep swanning off!

BakedTattie · 11/06/2023 00:45

Eh? No way I’d let this happen.

send the kids with him, or Atleast some of them. What a cf.

Brisland · 11/06/2023 01:18

He either takes the 5 older children with him, or doesn’t go.
You need to go off with the bf baby for a weekend and leave him with HIS children.
He is just so wrong, and you should not be standing for it. When do you get a break?

toomuchlaundry · 11/06/2023 01:22

How old is your MIL? If this was my DS I would be sending him straight back, I would be horrified he was leaving his partner to look after all the DC and the house to come and visit me (and I assume be spoilt)

Dartmoorcheffy · 11/06/2023 01:24

Can't he take a couple or three of the kids with him to see their grandmother? Can't she come to visit you? Why do you keep on having children with this man when he isn't pulling his weight looking after them?

wildinthecountry · 11/06/2023 01:28

Do you both live a distance from your parents or just him ? Because we don't know the full story .

Clymene · 11/06/2023 01:51

If this were my son I'd be sending him straight back to you.

6 kids? He needs to be a dad

Wishitsnows · 11/06/2023 01:55

Why doesn’t he even take one child. Is he really going to his mums?

ArcticSkewer · 11/06/2023 01:58

I can see why it's depressing you and I can see why he leaves regularly - it's a nice relaxing break, after all!
If he has always done this though I don't see how you change it.
If you split up, would he care regularly for the children or not? Would your quality of life be better or worse? Six kids, some with additional needs, and a part time husband was never going to be restful, but perhaps you can at least do the same as him - take regular carers weekends away, just take the youngest with you (or stop bf).

mathanxiety · 11/06/2023 05:26

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

He is taking the piss amd so is his mother.

Drop off the five older kids with the pair of them next time he pulls this stunt.

Or sit him down and tell him the next time he does it you'll pack his things for him and he can move back in with mummy permanently.

RantyAnty · 11/06/2023 05:47

Insist he take the older ones with him.

He sounds useless. Please don't have anymore children with him.

BigChesterDraws · 11/06/2023 05:48

He’s not your partner. A partnership means you both work together and support one another. This is the exact opposite. He’s a friend who occasionally stays overnight and makes babies with you. If that’s what you want long-term, that’s great. He’s not going to change. If 6 children won’t make him stick around at home, nothing will.

Flittingaboutagain · 11/06/2023 05:50

I assume in his mind this is justified downtime hence not wanting to take some of your kids with him. He doesn't care that it puts more strain on you though. I agree he's not a partner. He's a guy you live with.

ToeJammed · 11/06/2023 06:23

I would be sending him to his mum's with his entire belongings permanently next time he goes.
Since as you have to manage alone while he swans off for days at a time, you may as well manage alone every day of the year.
You don't have six kids, you have seven!

GoodChat · 11/06/2023 06:45

Is this a new thing?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 11/06/2023 10:46

He’s a father of six, one of which is a baby, and he fucks off to his mother’s all the time? I don’t think I’ve ever found something quite so pathetic. 😳 how you managed to find that manbaby sexually attractive enough to bear all the children, I’ve no idea.

He’s a total joke.

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