To be terrified of being single in my 40s

[neenahnee]

I'm in a relationship now but we want different things. I love him to bits but we're misaligned with our life stages.

However I've not been single for a v v v long time. I've never OLD. I'm terrified of a) being on my own/lonely b) dating or trying to navigate the world of dating.

I feel like I would be undesirable. Im mid 40s. 2 primary age DC. Work shifts, limited income and past my physical prime.

Please tell me what the reality is like??

Watching with interest.

For me it was horrible and panicky I threw myself into OLD and had terrible experiences. I had a couple of disastrous short relationships.

Thing is I think I needed to do the floundering. Like falling in water, splashing around until I got control of my heart rate and breathing.

Suddenly without realising I went calm. I did the treading water stage getting used to it. Now I'm in the floating on my back looking at the scenery stage. It's quite nice

I was widowed at 36 and will very likely be single next year when I turn 40. It isn’t what I was expecting from life, and sometimes I do get lonely. But in the whole I enjoy being single. I already my children and they will both be in high school by then. So I now have time for me, my interests and my career. I’m getting more comfortable with that all the time. Don’t panic OP, your worth is not determined by your attractiveness to a man. It takes time to being used to being single again after so long in a relationship, but you do get used to it, and in my case come to enjoy it.

With all that going on, I am surprised you would have to for a new relationship.

What is the rush? Take a bit of time, get your head together and work out your new routines. Your children are still young, be there for them before rushing into a new relationship. Spend a bit of time on yourself and that will give you spring in your step and make you feel more confident.

Good luck

You have loads to give and definitely not past your prime. Friend is loving dating in her 40s. She can't have more kids so that is off the table. She knows how she wants to be treated and won't take crap. She is very much take me as you find me and meets for coffee after shifts or breakfast before shifts.

Why are you afraid of being alone. I'm in my 40s with 2 kids and could quite happily live alone TBH.

I’m single and have been since 2012. I bloody love it and will never get into a romantic relationship again.

Can you be specific about what your fears are? Then it will be easier to help you.

Hi, there’s still hope! I’m 45 and recently become single after over 20 years with my ex. I’ve met some lovely guys through OLD and I agree with the pp who said you’re not past your prime.

Splitting with someone after so long is terrifying and it’s bound to be lonely at times, but honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

I’m 46 snd been single a few years. It’s bliss. Everything exactly as me snd thr children want it. No dirty socks on the living room floor and beard hairs in the sink. I get every other weekend to do anything I can’t do with the children around. I love the calm of it all. It’s a really happy, peaceful life (even with 3 children!)

Also, navigating the world of dating (if that’s what you decide you want to do) is weird and you learn as you go, but you do get into the swing of it. You can lay the parameters and take things at a pace that suits you.

@PicaK what a lovely way of putting it. I am glad you feel calmer now :)

I loved being single in my 40s, it felt much like my second prime. I got really into fitness and I had a career change.

dating, hmmm, don’t trust what people say, look at how they act. Most men in dating apps are married and want a fling or just a wank, prepare to be blocked as soon as they’ve had their fun.

find other single women, they are your people.

Thank you everyone. You're giving me hope!

I haven't been alone since my early 20s. Don't get me wrong I'm an independent person. I own my own home, have hobbies, friends and a dog in addition to the children and shift work. It's not the thought of being alone in a physical sense as my DP now works away a lot. But...I'm terrified, it literally makes me feel sick and anxious. I've never not had someone there, for chats, company, texts, cuddles etc. I get very attached so emotionally it feels like a huge hole would be left.

@KajsaKavat that's exactly what I'm worried about. I would find that very hard and it would shatter my confidence

I took three years off dating in my 40s and it was such a good thing to do. I learned to be more resilience, more confident and more secure in my own needs.
Maybe do that - end your relationship if that's what you need to do and take time with NO romantic interests. Fall in love with YOU instead 😉

There’s two separate issues here - one, the relationship, two - moving on. The first is really to think about what you want going forward. I concluded we were both very unhappy. I realised I would be happier alone than with him. I didn’t expect to meet anyone else really but didn’t rule it out.
So I found myself single at 40 after 15 years with someone. He jumped into a new relationship quickly. I had some time to myself.
I joined OLD after 5 months, encouraged by friends. In retrospect, it was too soon. I didn’t understand the hidden “rules” (had to look it up). It took 3 months to actually get on a date. First one was a disaster 😂 I could done stand up with some of the stories! Obviously there’s some people who are trying it because they’ve been in long relationships and are now single. There’s also people who have been single for a long time for a reason! Then there’s people who you realise are probably not single at all 🤨
I struck gold after a few months and met a lovely fella in a similar position to me - marriage had ended a while before, looking to date but not for rushing ahead. Not easy with us both being single parents but we make it work and enjoy the time we have together.
Honestly, even if I hadn’t met him, I’m still glad I split from XH. My life is better and happier now I’m not in a miserable marriage.

Tbh dating at 49 was absolutely brilliant. I'm 54 now and about to move in with dp who I met via OLD over 2 years ago.

I would have said while I was carer to my very unwell late dh that I never wanted a relationship again. Much as I loved him, it was very hard. But I took some time to grieve and be at peace on my own. Then I was blindsided by an absolute explosion in my sex drive/life force, and I went with it.

It made me a pretty good date! I was open to anything and enjoyed everything, both social and sexual. I fancied nearly every man I met and just revelled in maleness and having fun. That attitude meant quite honestly I was knee deep in options.

Think about it - you have choices. Not every man will be interested but you don't need every man! Are you yourself only interested in physical perfection? Of course not, desire doesn't work that way for men or women. Dp is 57, he isn't in his prime either, but we share loads of interests, he has a great body, is active, gorgeous and sexy 😍 and he fancies me! Seize the day!

@ThisWormHasTurned thank you. I think I would definitely take some time out for sure. Part of the problem is knowing whether to end the relationship too. We're in similar positions in that we both have children from previous marriages etc. I just want live with him and he doesn't want to...yet.

You say past your physical prime, but it's never too late to start a fitness journey by finding an exercise you love and eating well. One of the hottest women I know is in her mid fifties, she's so incredibly string and lean.

Strong not string! Typo

I was single for most of my 40s after my marriage ended and it was one of the best periods of my life. After that initial floundering around phase (which I recognise), I found I adored the freedom of being single. Had a lot of fun, a few short an inappropriate relationships and a lot of sex but mainly just enjoyed doing whatever I wanted without constantly worrying about someone who was determined to be unhappy.

I’m now 51 and in a good relationship.

Onliine dating does take a bit of getting used to and I would say don’t do it until you are really ready. It can knock your self esteem if you’re in the wrong frame of mind.

But you will probably find that you enjoy being on your own much more than you expected anyway tbh. Once you get used to it, the freedom is a massive high.

Oh yes I should add when I split from XH, I was the heaviest I’d ever been, hadn’t been able to exercise. I went back to the gym..got much fitter and started eating better (batch cooking to make life easier). Still ‘obese’ but so much fitter and stronger. DP does martial arts. We may not be model types but we are each other’s types and fancy each other!

@Hubblebubble yes I agree. I'm not unfit I go to the gym and I'm active but my body is not what I used to be pre children. C section scars, stretch marks, prolapse, haemorrhoids etc. Shift work makes it hard to be consistent too!

I'm more worried about those things I can't change than my fitness/weight etc.

I was on a 25 year relationship that ended in 2016. I was in my late 40’s.
j was terrified of being single and jumped into a rebound relationship 6 months later and it was the worst thing I ever did.
Spent 3 years being gaslit, emotionally manipulated, controlled and having my mental health destroyed.
Lockdown saved me as gave me space to see things so much clearer and decided to end the relationship.

Ive now been single for 3 years - early 50’s now. Just started dipping my toe in OLD but no joy as yet. However I am so much more confident and comfortable with myself having this time on my own.
I’ve build a great social circle and found new people and places. I know what I do and don’t want and am so much better and spotting the flags (red and green).

Being single is nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be and honestly it’s been liberating for me.

I'm not in my 40s but I've been single for the past 14 years. It's absolutely great and I wouldn't have it any other way. Not lonely, I have plenty of friends.

I'm a single parent and I would never want a man living in my house. Can't imagine anything worse than a blended family situation.