Have we lost our spark?

[Yourothermother]

Posted on another topic thread but was unsuccessful so asking for advice here ...... I feel very disconnected from my partner just recently my labido has greatly diminished over the years as he's got a very low sex drive only have sex when he can be bothered the last time we did do it I felt absolutely no emotion towards it he wasnt turning me on or even making an effort too. I feel very lonely in my relationship he doesn't come to bed(only does when he wants sex) doesn't hug me has stopped kisses me and telling me he loves me I don't get complimented I just get told to stop sulking, I'm not sulking im exhusted and upset that we've potential lost our spark. Help me with good constructive advise to get me out of this rut please!

Its a two way street to be honest-you will both have to put in the effort to get the spark back-have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel?

There are lots of things you can try but you both have to want to do it for anything to work.

I've not brought it up with him just yet as I don't know how to start off the conversation. I don't want the conversation to start off negatively either.
I want our relationship to work I want to grow old with him ill do all that I can but like you say he's going to have to want it too so we shall see.

How old are you ?Are you peri menopause age ?

We are both early 30s

He said in the past his low sex drive is because of his age. But surely that shouldn't be the case due to our age. He does have bouts where he'll want it everyday for a week straight then will go to a few times a month its very confusing. I dont understand why he comes to bed incredibly horny yet I've not done nothing to turn him on? Any men on here to answer that one? He's also mentioned in the past that I dont initiate sex its turn I don't I hold my hands up but why should I when he shows me no affection or makes an effort to sleep in our bed

**it's true I don't

I'm struggling to understand why you want to grow old with this person? He doesn't exactly sound like a catch. You're so young, just seems bizarre to tie yourself to someone who doesn't show you affection, doesn't even hug or kiss you, doesn't tell you he loves you, uses you like a sex doll and then tells you off for sulking because you're unhappy.

This is six of one half a dozen of the other and can probably be reduced with some Frank communication.
You tell him you'd like more sex and you want to initiate more, but this would be easier if you spent more time together intimately outside of the bedroom. Agree date nights, 3 nights a week to go to bed at the same time, no pressure for sex. You also make more of an effort to be affectionate, you can kiss him you don't to wait, or just have a cuddle watching tv and then actually do initiate sometimes. The more you have sex, the more you'll both want sex/physical contact

Does he use porn ?

You're not communicating v effectively and you don't sound that compatible in terms of how you express yourselves sexually + affectionately.

I also don't understand why you want to grow old with him if this is the situation.

You need a proper, calm, chat where you are both trying to listen and understand each other. Would you consider counselling?

@BreviloquentBastard I do understand your point, but I had an ex who would never initiate and then would sulk about me being less affectionate, well yes but I was tired of being the one to lead it all the time, it wasn't very attractive tbh and once you both stop it becomes a cycle.
We did break up because there were other issues too though that meant we were just essentially incompatible. He was a bit passive, self pitying and whingey about everything and no one wants that.

Do you have children? If not, why are you wasting your time in an unrewarding, one-sided relationship?

That's fair, and I do get it, being the only initiator at all times is crap and you do start pulling away to protect yourself from rejection. I get it. It takes two to tango, it also takes two to not tango. Saying that I wouldn't really want to initiate sex with someone who makes no effort to make sex enjoyable for me, as the OP described. I'd say neither of them is helping the situation.

My point was more that this doesn't sound like a happy, healthy relationship at all, that they may just have some fundamental differences that make it not really worth salvaging. People often dismiss sexual incompatibility as something not that important, but I think it can be a huge problem in cases like this where they're just not on the same page in any way, not talking about it, and it's bleeding into the rest of their relationship.

Early 30’s? I expected you to say much, much older than that!

Just throw this one back OP - it’s horrible to be lonely within a relationship (been there, got the divorce) and you’ll be much happier on your own. Or later on, in a happy, healthy relationship where you’re well-matched and lifted up by a partner who adores you (am there, have the boyfriend).

You are far too young and life is far too short to drag out this shambling zombie of a relationship - take a baseball bat to it, put it out of its misery and move on.

That sounds like a good starting point. I'm worried that he'll get offended though and become defensive I don't want to hurt his feelings but my sexual needs aren't being met at the moment.

Not that I'm aware of. We've watched it together before he didn't ask what I liked to watch just put on his favourites told him I'm not comfortable and not really into it as he was just pleasuring himself and ignoring me and he stopped and haven't done it since

We have 3 youngest is 4months. I've noticed this has all started since baby's birth. I'm beginning to think I'm the problem I'm not desirable any more

What are the things you like about him? Why do you want to grow old with him?

i’m not seeing much worth saving, is why I’m asking

You are not the problem

Up until recently he was very affectionate emotionally and physically supportive. he's a great dad very hands on does his fair share of house work hes very kind and generous supportive im my dreams he's still all though things but his behaviour has changed towards me within the last 4 months

I'm not so sure. I dont look the same I've lost all my baby weight but have been left with a jiggly belly which I hate my boobs are so incredibly flat 😫 I'm going grey I'm more grumpy now, my patience is wearing thin I want him to wrap me up in a bear hug with out prompting him toim on the verge of tears just recently,