I’m not the mother I thought I was

[Habberly]

I feel like I am doubting myself for everything I have tried to do and maybe need some hard truths?

I had a bad childhood and always said I would not repeat the mistakes of my parents. I was a very young single mum and I did not have good support or role models and now my children are adults I think I have fucked up. I always thought I was kind generous and respectful but I think I am not.

Ok my DC18 is the youngest and decided not to see their dad anymore when they were 12. DC felt very strongly about it and I supported but also said they might regret it and should try to have a relationship. DC doesn’t make much effort with their dad so it’s just limped along they aren’t fully estranged but not close.

I always felt I was close to DC18 but around age 16 they became the teen that sleeps all day, has no motivation, backchats helping me in the house and has now turned impossible to get to do anything (no matter what I try). DC does not respect me and cba to bother maintaining a relationship with me or our extended family. DC just wants to be with friends and partner, which is natural for the age, and wanting more independence but it has become disrespectful it feels.

I have been over protective, nagging and interfering. The more DC is stubborn and resistant to something the more I will pursue it - like anything to do with cleaning up, or something they tell me has gone wrong, I will wade in to fix it. Recently me interfering in something to help DC has resulted in DC muting my texts and refusing to bother speaking to me. I have apologised honestly and accepted that I am interfering although I explained I didn’t have bad intentions, I am more of an over eager annoyer who likes to help because I love them. Unfortunately DC never being grateful for this unwanted help has made me resentful so I accept the dynamic became toxic.

I am trying so hard to win my DC love, respect and approval I think I have now ruined our relationship. DC does not respect, like or want to bother with me anymore. I’m still mad at DC for being so pig headed and rude and unhelpful but they will not apologise and just want me to go away and leave them alone. Being the annoying fixer I am, I am finding this impossible not to desperately try to win DC back somehow. Even to the point of considering a small furry animal or something (not the answer)

I don’t know how I got here but here I am. Please can anyone help me salvage this before I continue to make things worse? I seem to be hard wired into doing things that make DC dislike me and being over bearing. I can’t make DC love me. If DC wants to cut me out I can’t force them not to. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I do not want to lose my child. Firstly I have stopped messaging DC and asking questions unless absolutely necessary and I have stopped knocking on their door to say morning or night (they say they don’t like this).

My other DC says I am a weak pushover and I think that’s how I sound right now. All the advice about throwing them out won’t work for me, DC is 18 and has nowhere to go. I’m not prepared to do that

I’m sorry OP, no advice. This sounds like such a hard situation. All I can suggest is you let your DC know you love them and will always be there for them. Keep being kind, and hopefully they’ll return to you.

You’re a good mother, your love for your children is clear, that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, none of us are.

All any of us can do is try our best. Your teen is being a typical teen, not great from them but next time they’re rude I think you should at least point out the above- you love them, you’ve always tried your best and always will- if it’s not good enough well that’s life!

I’m sorry to be harsh but despite being 52 I can totally see it through teenage eyes. They’ve lost respect for you because all children (yes that’s what they are) ultimately want a self-assured, self-respecting adult who sets boundaries. That’s what they crave for in a parent. They actually told you this - that you’re a ‘weak pushover’. You need to stop being a beg and start being the adult in charge.

I don't really have any advice, my oldest is only 16 now and as yet he isn't at all like you've described...YET.

All I want to say is please don't think they don't love you.
I can see from what you've described why you might not feel loved by them but teenagers are difficult and selfish!

I was a 'difficult teen' but I always loved my parents, even when they irritated me so much, and I still do.

I hope it's a phase and it passes soon.

Oh gosh don’t blame yourself! You sound a lot like me - I’m very interfering and over-protective. I have two DS’s who are 18 and 20. 20 year old has lived with his dad for seven years and he’s a sleep all day hermit. I’ve been trying to intervene and advise for years but he doesn’t respect me. Neither does his father. However, he’s turned out like this even though he’s been living with his dad.

My youngest and I spend far too much time together. He’s autistic (as am I) and I know I’m very annoying but because he’s so quiet I try to make up for it. I worry all the time and I’m extremely over-protective. He’s very patient with me considering, and never loses his temper. And the knocking to say good morning and goodnight? Well he does that to me so don’t feel bad about that!

It’s so difficult being a single mother with little support and no good role models. I know children are better with strong parents but we’re just human.

Just back off, they will come back to your eventually. Stop trying so hard it’s uncool.

honestly the more you chase them
to love you the more awkward it is for
them

Sounds like you've tried your best with the tools that you've got and we don't always get it right. And, yeah, we can fuck our kids without meaning to and create an unhappy/unhelpful home dynamic.

I don't know how to advise - and an heavy-handed' "be the parent" isn't helpful - but I guess the one thing that stands out for me is, whatever part is theirs within what sounds like a currently unhappy dynamic - you're not respecting the clear boundary your child has tried to assert which, in essence, is "back the fuck off".

No, disrespectful behaviour from them is NOT okay, but control your inner 'annoying fixer' driver and give them some breathing space.

Hey, don't be so hard in yourself. Your love shines through and you are aware of what has gone wrong. Parenting, especially on your own, is very very hard. None of us have got it 100% right. Small changes can alter the whole dynamic at this stage. It will get better.

I saw this on insta a few days ago
It's called project parent coach . It's already worked for me .

www.instagram.com/reel/Cra_p5CgKke/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

You are not a bad mother
Far from it - for many years you have done everything for them as a single parent
But now you need to let them breath/ be independent- even if they fall flat on their face ( which is difficult to watch) you can be there for them
if they need it

What they need now is a mum that has her own interests, let’s them live their lives but is also be a place they can return to when they are ready / need to
You give them roots but also wings to fly

You have done a good job as a parent - it’s normal for them to want to separate from you ( even if it’s tough for you)
Now it’s time to let them live their lives and do well / make mistakes - they will come out of this at the other end and the relationship will be different again. As they will be able to stand back and see what a great job you did

No more fixing - unless it’s for yourself
Be kind to yourself

Thank you, this advice is just what I need.

Trust me harsh is fine no one can be more harsh than your own child lol.

Right now I need to work on backing off and not feeling as upset about it. You are right I haven’t respected boundaries that’s exactly it. And saying to them ‘I disrespect your boundaries out of love for you’ ain’t cutting it .
Project parent here I come

I kind of get this.

I'm in counselling for a variety of stuff incl childhood/teen stuff, and something we keep coming across is the fact that I felt "unsafe" as a child.

Maybe that's partly what's happening here - at a time in her life when she needed to feel safe and protected, that was removed. I.e leaving for uni and her family and household implodes.

Maybe by opening up to her about everything you're feeling she feels unsafe. She's a young adult and she doesn't want to step into a protector/parentification role. She still wants to feel safe, and she feels that you've unsettled that.

Though I'm not saying you were wrong to leave.

It's tricky.

The impression I get is that you've done the day-to-day 'heavy lifting' as a parent (and done it well). But you're having difficulty transitioning to a situation where your DC need you less (and like many teens, are pushing you away and a bit embarrassed by your need to connect with them). Probably because you've spent so much of your time up till now focusing on them and their needs that you haven't really thought about you and who you are, independently of being a parent. In ten years time (or perhaps only when they become parents themselves), they'll look back and realise how hard you worked for them.

I felt unsafe as a child which is why I am clingy and over protective in fact it is why I am interfering - to keep them safe. No one has left anyone though we all still live together. I have been mum and dad to DC18 which isn’t always helpful as there is no other balancing parent for a different viewpoint. I spoke to DC18 this morning and kept it light and it was ok. They didn’t tell me to fuck off this time

“I spoke to DC18 this morning and kept it light and it was ok. They didn’t tell me to fuck off this time.”

Well done op. A good first step. Parenting teenagers is a move from ‘parenting’ to ‘mentoring’ and that’s letting them grow into who they’re meant to be. Now mine are older, I love being free of all those domestic demands of little children. I can enjoy a coffee or a beer and chat and spending time with them enjoying their company, hearing about all their adventures and gossip. Occasionally (if the mood is right) I can get away with giving sparing nuggets of wisdom they can take or leave (no judgement).

Of course I can’t tell them off or insist they do what I want like I could when they were 10, but the relationship is more one of equals and that mutual respect needs to be embedded by building the relationship and being a caring and friendly support to them. So if boundaries do need to be drawn, I can have that conversation and we already have a basic level of respect. (I wouldn’t tolerate ‘fuck off’ from an 18 year old for example.)

I would love to enjoy that stuff but we are not there yet. Other DC and I arranged to hang out this eve, so I left my friends house after they offered me dinner, cos I was eating with DC. Who now doesn’t want dinner and wanted to drive to a 5 guys 20 miles away to get a milkshake. I am lactose intolerant and it’s boiling out I don’t want to do a long round trip to get something I can’t drink. I offered to make one or go local - now I am in the dog house!

Tricky to transition!

OP one of the mistakes that I think it's particularly easy for a single parent to slip into is blurring the line between them and their DC. You are, to some extent, trying to run your children's lives and live through them. They are your primary relationship. You are resentful they don't appreciate what you are trying to do because to your mind you only have the best of intentions. But it's hard to see, sometimes, that just because you think your intentions are good doesn't mean that they align with your DC's goals. DC need role models - a parent they can look up to who is forging their own road in the world. Not one who seems to be all about pushing the DC down the road the parent wants to travel. DC need to be able to fail and pick themselves up. They need boundaries and respect and room to fail and learn for themselves. Not to constantly have their actions judged and micromanaged.

It's hard to turn these things around after the relationship seems to have turned because both sides will be hyper-sensitive and even when behaviour has changed, the slightest slip up or even an ambiguous action can be seen as an indication nothing has changed at all.

But a meeting where you apologize for what's happened. Set new boundaries together with clear expectations for your own behaviour, not just DCs, and then some kindness and generosity of spirit while you both try and make the new world order your default could work. Even if DC won't go along with it at first, telling them what you're going to do and then sticking to it, would hopefully bring them round over the next 6 months to a year.

If you can afford it, maybe some counseling, either as family counseling or just for you, could help you spot patterns of behaviour and triggers and give you tools for pausing when your instincts would not serve you and your DC well, so you can take a step back and approach it better.

The other thing to remember, though, is that we are none of us perfect parents. And teen years can be really tricky. Doing your best (which you are doing right now by looking at what's happened and trying to adjust) is as much as anyone can do.

Sometimes to break away kids go to the other extreme. They have to break away...that's growing up. I didn't feel the same about my dm at 18 as l did later when l grew to love her as an adult. At 18 she was just an annoying person trying to run my life. Step back. I genuinely feel dc will have more respect when we have lives of our own and are busy doing our own thing.
This is not your forever story if you manage to step back now. Don't resent doing that or feel it's her fault. It's actually your job now to give her space.
Counselling for yourself would be good but l know it's expensive.

Thanks I do have a busy FT job and a boyfriend (doesn’t live here) so I have plenty going on but I feel so much distance I think I am over bearing to bridge the gap. It’s so hard when your DC grow up. I have a really good job, a nice house, i make it a nice home, I’m really welcoming to their friends or romantic partners so I think I am a good role model in this way. I just know I am over bearing at times and it’s SO hard to stop doing it and jumping in and solving everything and then being not thanked. I did something nice for DC18 earlier, off my own back and they didn’t say thank you and I just walked away and left it because the old me would have been resentful. They didn’t ask me to do something nice I did it and I shouldn’t expect thanks for it, I am learning!

Start treating them like an adult.

Do they have a job or is in school?