Joking about accident

[prepastarous]

DH had an accident at work this week and while he was at hospital being checked over, he fell and now has a black eye and a cut on his face. It's been quite stressful for us but he's home recuperating now.

Everybody that we've seen since - without exception - has looked at him and said that 'jokey' response 'oi, what's prepastarous done to you then?'

I've responded with a weak smile and a quiet laugh but AIBU to be pissed off that's the default reaction?

Why is absolutely everyone incapable of just saying 'that sounds quite stressful for you all and I'm sorry that's happened to you'??

I'd find this very patronising. No you do not feel someone else's pain!

Nobody likes people who think they are an "empath". It's not a thing you can be and overidentification with others is narcissitic.

I think you're being slightly over sensitive . If I told my work mates I had fallen over and got a black eye they would be howling with laughter. It wouldn't bother me one bit.

Jeez, that's awful. I wish people wouldn't do this.

The standard accepted question to ask anyone with a black eye is who they got into a fight with.

It's just good natured teasing. Get over it.

I completely get this... it isn't right.

My wife actually does this TO me. She'll get a bruise while she's gardening and actually joke to friends that I've hit her. What's worse is she bruises like a peach, so this joke is often repeated. She's also got severe depression and has attempted twice in the past so with this and her comments, won't look good for me, even though I've never even so much as raised my voice with her!

Sorry, sort of pulled the attention there... I'm saying I really understand this. One jokey comment can have serious downstream potential impacts... and if you raise it you look like someone that can't take a joke.

Slightly doesn't cover it.
My MIL is a vicar, probably the sweetest, gentlest lady you will find. FIL (who is a massive joker) once got a massive black eye walking into a door (plonker). The amount of jokes at Sunday service that she had finally cracked and thrown a hymn book at his head were hilarious (as we ALL KNEW it wasn't true). And she actually had the HUMOUR to say 'well, we are all human, even I have my limits' with a wink and eye roll as her clumsy husband.
Some people just love being all offended and triggered by anything.

Well, I have empathy with anyone who is poorly ! I don't think this is a bad thing to be sometimes , but then I don't like humor like this either !

@prepastarous are you upset that people are making light of the accident, or that people are "jokingly" asking if you are to blame?

Either way, I sympathise. I have epilepsy and often have black eyes/split lips and I know strangers assume automatically DH is responsible - I understand that and probably would myself assume that myself if I saw a woman in the same situation, as domestic violence against women is so prevalent (and as PP said, never a matter for levity FFS ) It doesn't help that DH is stereotyped due to his appearance anyway, and I feel bad for him when he is side eyed by people, as he would absolutely never ever hurt me. (I could derail by saying than when men stop committing VAWG which will be never then maybe he won't be judged but that's a different thread maybe!)

IME facial injuries are more often commented on/questioned than other visible injuries eg broken arm, and I'm not sure why this is. (Genuine safeguarding concerns eg teachers I understand, so always made them aware). Otherwise prurient curiosity or just fodder for shit jokes? I don't get it. It fucking annoys me though, YABU @prepastarous I hope your DH is getting better.

This is actually the most annoying and frankly, fucking stupid, post on the thread. "Immediately feeling their pain". Fucking hell. You're really not it's not being an "empath", it's making it about you, it's condescending, irritating and ignorant.

Out of interest, as well as your eye feeling their pain, does your arse also hurt from the 12 hours sitting in A and E, and do you also feel the guilt and disappointment you can't keep (for the millionth time) to the plans you made with your DC? Do you feel you have lost the money (or worse, the job) you or your partner has lost having to take unpaid emergency leave? Do you feel like you spend 45 minutes the next morning trying to get through to your GP for follow ups? Do you spend time worrying about upcoming surgery?

You don't immediately feel their pain in any way and I'd ask you not to say this to anyone in RL, not just as you'll make yourself sound like a knob, but you'll really piss people off and someone may bite your head off in RL.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles, I'm not all that precious but basically I've just been craving someone showing me a bit of sympathy after a shit week rather than just cracking a shit 'joke'. Thank you for your post. That's more than I've had from anyone in real life!

I do feel bad if someone is injured or upset
I'm sorry if people don't believe me, but having had a few nasty accidents myself I can imagine what they might be going through
That is all

Everyone feels like this. Bar sociopaths.

I don't find it amusing (particularly when it's the 20th time you've heard it) but I'd take tired old jokes over someone 'empathing' all over me any day of the week.

Yes everyone pretty much does. You aren't special.

That's just being human.

I get it…it’s been a shit week. But I think blaming (maybe not the word I’m looking for…maybe being annoyed at?) other people for cracking what is universally the joke that is made with the person with a black eye is a little ’hmmm’ in my opinion.

I got to go to work at a professional job in my 20’s with a spectacular black eye that I got playing a sport. There were 2 reactions… anyone that new me well cracked the joke “what did the other guy look like” those that didn’t know me well gave me a very serious “Is everything OK? With a ‘knowing look’.

Honestly after a week of that I was hoping I would get the tired joke. While I appreciated the concern, It was very tedious to explain to people that it was a boring sports injury and there was nothing nefarious going on.

If it's that obvious, then it's not ignorable, but by making a joke it gives you the choice to respond in similar vain or talk about it if that's what you want. It's giving you the choice of telling them what happened or not.

I've had it before (I bruise easily) so my default response is that it's nothing to the one I gave dh. Sometimes I tell more, and sometimes I don't. It doesn't really matter.

"cracking what is universally the joke that is made with the person with a black eye"

See, this is part of the problem, "the universal joke" default.

Admittedly I may be a bit over invested in this personally as this is a recurring thing in my life, but your last part nails it - "very tedious". It is SO fucking tedious responding to faux bonhomie about facial injuries. The genuine concern is fair enough despite being tedious, but feeling obliged to explain a medical problem to people you don't know that well, or (even worse) strangers, is really fucking annoying. The societal expectation that they can crack a joke, 99% of the time about domestic violence, forcing you to have to explain is intrusive and unnecessary. I spend a lot of time having to disclose medical history to people to defend my DH from peoples' assumptions. It needs to stop being a universal joke response.

(I also think a lot of people don't realise how much black eyes can hurt - I didn't myself. Im not smiling at your shit joke not just because it's shit, but because it really hurts to move my face! I resent having to say "I'm epileptic" not just because it's none of your business but it hurts to talk!)

People who could have a genuine concern eg acquaintances or teachers who fear a safeguarding problem is understandable, and they raise it in the correct way, I have no issue explaining (and usually pre-empt). With others, they can just keep their desire to crack a joke, or their false or prurient concern to themselves and shut the fuck up. If people feel the urge to have to say anything, the least worst is something like "that looks sore, are you OK".

The thing is you don't have to explain. If people are cracking jokes chances are they don't want you to explain. Say 'haha' and move on. If they wanted to know they would ask. People who know you will presumably know it isn't your dh and people who don't know you don't actually care.

It really isn't that deep, it's just people trying to pass the time of day with you.

You're oversensitive.