50/50 custody and collecting children from school

[ediepie]

Hi, After some advice as although I think im right my ex obviously doesnt!

Background, we have been divorced for 5 years, 2 kids. DD 12 and DS 10. No court orders or CMS ever involved as we have been civil.

Originally I had the children 75% of the time. During Covid 100% of the time as he lived with elderly parents so they didn't get to see their dad for more than an hour a week during the entire first lockdown. I did try and facilitate more contact but it was his choice. Maintenance never increased.

3 years ago I moved 8 miles away, its a 15 min drive from him. He requested 50/50 custody so he could save for a deposit to move out of his parents. I agreed, maintenance stopped. It was never really 50/50 as he would always drop off early, go on holidays and he never picked them up from school but would want me to drive them to him at 5pm on his days.

I started a new job recently so no longer working from home 100% of the time. About a week before this he started a relationship with my best friend of 20 years. It did upset me a lot, mainly the perceived betrayal from her, hes had lots of gf's ive always been happy and supportive of. Which is why im questioning if im just being stupid here as I am fully aware what he does has nothing to do with me and im happily remarried. I mention this as I feel its opened my eyes to me bending over backwards to help him all the time when in reality he never helps me.

I told him I can no longer collect the kids from school for him on his days due to work and if he wants 50/50 he has to take full responsibility for the kids during his agreed days. He said he didnt want 50/50 then. I said thats fine I will arrange for help from my family collecting them but he must pay maintenance for the new arrangement. He called me allsorts and said im just angry at his new relationship and trying to punish him. I suggested we have a contact order written and I will always agree to 50/50 because its in the best interests of the kids.

He said he would do 50/50. Past 2 months he has done, apart from a 1 week holiday, dropping them off early as he wanted a night out and another 2 days where he went away for a night. I have told him he is no longer to book these things during his time with the kids as its not fair on them or me.

He is now telling me I should be sharing the transport of the kids from school to him on his days. This would mean me having to leave work at 2.30pm 4 days a week to pick up the kids and take them to him for his day. Currently my husband and I share pickups so I only have to leave work early 1-2 days.

My DD also wants to do some after school clubs (netball etc.) on ex's days, he refuses to pick the kids up at different times so I collect DS and bring him to me until ex picks up dd and then gets DS on way past.

The schedule should be -

Monday - Mum pickup
Tuesday - Dad pickup
Wednesday - Dad pickup
Thursday - Mum pickup
Friday - alternate weekends and alternate pickup

Sorry its long! The AIBU is should I be helping my ex with school pickups and transport to him on his days if we have 50/50 custody?

YANBU. I think because you’ve been way more than reasonable for so long, being ‘just’ reasonable might seem unreasonable to him. He wants his cake and eat it.

also, YANBU for it to sting a bit that him and your best friend have started a relationship. Ouch.

Well no of course you shouldn’t be doing pick ups on his days, that’s not what 50:50 is. He sounds like he’s taken advantage of you being flexible and helpful and now doenst like that there’s push back. I’d say to him that if you’re collecting then they’re coming home with you so he needs to pay maintenance to reflect this.

If it’s 50:50 then he takes full responsibility for everything in that time, including pickups. You can’t make him facilitate after school clubs though.

The every other day arrangement makes it very hard for him (or you) to ever book eg a holiday or weekend away though - wouldn’t it make more sense to do week on week off or half a week each. Otherwise you’re bound to end up with lots of chopping and changing!

No. That’s what 50-50 is. It means taking full responsibility for the DC on your days. Yes he can make other arrangements but that means him calling in favours from his own friends or family or paying for care.
Otherwise you have majority care and he pays maintenance. He can’t have it both ways

Hi, its a good point but I don't want to be away from kids for a longer period. My son has bowel issues and is scared to go the toilet at his dads as he terrified of his Nan shouting at him for going. If I leave him too long he has accidents in school. Its another issue i've asked ex to sort and he is no longer leaving the kids alone with nan.

For holidays I just book short breaks for me during my time and when I take them away I book Thursday-Monday.

I have never said no to holidays with their dad and a year ago he had them for a 10 day holiday (hes ok going toilet if its not at nans house!)

On normal weeks you should be arranging the after school care on your days, but as part of the contact arrangements you should allow each other to late a longer child free holiday and the civil thing to do is to a bit flexible trading days but not all one way. The after school club thing is tricky because you can't make his agree to that, can't both kids do a club the same day?

Yanbu but if it works best for the kids for you to do more than 50% so be it, but the CM needs to reflect that you are doing more than 50% of the workload. He clearly doesn't actually want 50:50, what he wants is to minimise his commitments both in terms of time/effort and in terms of money but that's simply not possible. He has to pick which one he wants to minimise.

What a selfish prick. Congratulations for getting rid of him by the way.

I completely agree and if he was have up to 3 holidays a year then definitely. He is away atleast once every 2 months which is why im getting fed up of it. I love having the kids but my DS especially gets frustrated with not seeing his dad and I get the brunt of it from him.

Im also open to swapping days, but he doesn't want that, he just wants me to commit to collecting them from school everyday essentially and driving them to him.

Im happy to pick the kids up on his days when its in their best interests, such as so they can do clubs, but I dont think I should be responsible for then transporting them to him.

DS's school doesn't have clubs on the same days as he is in primary so he cant.

In school holidays I do drop them off and pick them up from him and Im happy to continue doing that

He’s been taking the piss for years. Get a proper agreement drawn up, stop him chopping and changing, stop doing him favours.

You’ve been incredibly accommodating and he’s just being rude.

No surprise he's your ex!

You shouldn’t be do any pickups in his days. He needs to do pickups and arrange for any necessary child care. If a child is sick on his day, he is supposed to take the day off work. If a child needs lunch, he is supposed to pack it or buy it.

What on earth is his reasoning for why you should be doing it? It makes no sense at all!

He thinks because I moved house and the kids moved schools I should share the travel and costs. We did live about 1 mile away and school was opposite our old house.

DD moved schools as she was starting secondary and DS because he was being bullied relentlessly for years and is now in school near his sistser and has lots of lovely friends.

They didnt move schools until about 12 months after i moved house.

I drop them to him and pick them up in all holidays and before they moved school they were in after school club which I paid for and he used too.

The moving schools was agreed by us both as the best thing for kids.

what happened OP? I found your thread because my ex wants the same… he’s currently taking me to court for an SIO that I do all the school runs on his days. Would be helpful to know how you resolved it!

@Pleasegotobed I doubt he'll be successful. If it's 'his' day with the kids he needs to be completely responsible for them in that time. You're not a team anymore and you are not there to facilitate his life. If it doesn't work with his job then he needs to either change jobs or accept he can't have the children as many days.

Not directed at me but my ex tried this and the judge laughed.

We weren’t 50/50. It was EOW/holidays in the end but the judge ordered he had to do all the travelling/pick ups.

Thanks that’s reassuring. It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing it for him for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but no dice. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

In school holidays I do drop them off and pick them up from him and Im happy to continue doing that
i suggest you don’t do that anymore! When he says you moved house, you say you agreed. And Since you seem to be focussed on balancing out all past decisions, are you planning to back pay maintenance from 2020-2022 when you never saw them but I didn’t apply for more maintenance? No you’re not? Hmm ok then.
no to dropping children at his. Like another poster said, you say if I’m collecting them then they come to mine. I’ll have had to leave work anyway so I may as well have time with my kids.
Yes to saying to him if the kids want to do activities and sports and you don’t facilitate that then they will refuse 50/50 when they are old enough and I will be claiming maintenance fairly if they do that. Good parents support their kids.