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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex was 20 mins late.

41 replies

Jemsy5 · 09/06/2023 06:05

Ex was due to collect DC at 6pm as I was going away for work. This was arranged as I was going away for work and needed to catch a train.

I text him at 6.10 when he hadn’t arrived saying I was expecting him at 6 and needed to leave to catch a train at 6.20 (I live near the station). He replied saying “I will be there about 6.20).

He arrived at 6.20. He said nothing to me (he never speaks to me in person). I missed my train. Not a huge deal as there was another one in an hour but, meant I was later than I had wanted getting where I was going (about 2.5 hours away). No further contact from him about it.

AIBU to have expected a message to say sorry I was late, his train was delayed/he forgot the time (normally he picks up at 6.30 rather than 6 so it could be that).

It’s not a big deal, delays happen etc. but it has really got to me that there was no explanation, recognition that it might have impacted me etc. I wouldn’t have been angry. I know these things happen, but I feel like I’m being treated worse than a stranger. I’m probably over reacting, I know, but the being ignored generally is getting to me…

OP posts:

medianewbie · 09/06/2023 09:20

Factor in 'unreliable & rude dickhead' time from now on.
(yes, it is rude to rock up so late for anyone when they have work plans)
Don't expect anything from him.
You will be disappointed.
Don't allow him the headspace.
Tbf, it took me ages to get to this enlightened headspace with my ex!!

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 09/06/2023 09:23

My ex is around 2 hours late for every pick up and drop off. It's incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. I have tried many strategies over the years. Talking to him about it, factoring the extra time etc but nothing has worked. He's generally awful to me and refuses to talk to me on the phone too. I think for him it's a mixture of control, disrespect for me (he was the one that had an affair and left me whilst I was pregnant but he has always treated me like I did something awful to him) and general shit timekeeping. In 13 years I have never had an apology for any lateness or anything else.

The only thing that does work is me dropping the DC at his, or going to pick them up. That's the only way I can guarantee timings. If I need to be somewhere or there is something they need to get back for then I do this.

In general I tend to grey rock him as he loves trying to upset me so try and co parent with as little engagement as possible - which is shit but the only way I can deal with the man.

I hope your ex is ok in other aspects.

SunnySummerPlease · 09/06/2023 09:38

My ex forgot to pick our DC up yesterday, my DC called him, he turned up 3 hours later - no comment or apology to me.

Is what it is, I’ve lowered my expectations to zero which means I’m never disappointed.

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2023 09:47

Always have a back up plan! My ex tried preventing me from learning to drive he had a "cancer scare" when I was taking my theory (I warned the school he might not turn up and I would be out of contact so they arranged after school care just in case) for my practical he waited until childcare had "just" closed before ringing me (the day before my test) telling me he couldn't take the children sooo sorry you can't take your test....I had back up childcare everyone had seen how fucking awful he was over me taking lessons and loads of people had taken me aside and said if he let's you down CALL ME

Just no need for it

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2023 09:48

SunnySummerPlease · 09/06/2023 09:38

My ex forgot to pick our DC up yesterday, my DC called him, he turned up 3 hours later - no comment or apology to me.

Is what it is, I’ve lowered my expectations to zero which means I’m never disappointed.

Same and it's sad your supposed to love your kids more than you hate your ex but some exes don't get the memo

Nordicrain · 09/06/2023 09:52

It's annoying and rude.

But I think you are giving it too much thought. The whole why am I being treated worse than a stranger. Do you still have feelings for him?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/06/2023 09:52

It’s very rude indeed. But like PPs I assume he’s an ex for a reason!

You just have to protect yourself but not relying on him.

billy1966 · 09/06/2023 09:53

olympicsrock · 09/06/2023 07:53

He was being a dick on purpose as he didn’t want to change the tIme and didn’t want to help.
This is why he is an ex.
Just keep a record of these things.

This.

Be glad he is an ex.

Twat.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/06/2023 09:54

To text him when he was already late and you were going to miss your train is odd

No it's not.

given it was a favour, I’d have messaged him a couple of hours before to gently remind and thank him for accommodating the change

Is there nothing some women won't do to assuage arseholes that go out of their way to make things as difficult as possible?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/06/2023 09:57

Why doesn’t he talk to you? And why don’t you mind that he was late? It’s really bloody rude. Seeing as he knew your train was 6:20, could it have been deliberate?

But yeah, as others said, without context it’s hard to call.

Wenfy · 09/06/2023 09:58

I would be making alternative childcare arrangements next time and make it difficult for him if he ever needs me to be flexible for him.

ThursdayFreedom · 09/06/2023 10:03

Jemsy5 · 09/06/2023 07:12

I don’t really mind that he was late. I understand that things happen. It’s more that he didn’t acknowledge it. I just feel like I’m so unimportant, but that’s probably more about how he ignores me generally. I need to work on these things no bothering me more, but I just feel like my feelings don’t matter then…

@Jemsy5

Come on sausage! If he cared about you, he probably wouldn't be an EX would he, you're going to need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that he does not care! (Hard I know).

you are important to YOU, DC & other people!! You don't need to be important to him! You really don't 💐

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 09/06/2023 10:04

Depends if you think he's genuinely just late and was rude not to mention it or did it on purpose as some kind of power game because you told him you needed him there by X to get the train.

Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 10:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/06/2023 11:14

olympicsrock · 09/06/2023 07:53

He was being a dick on purpose as he didn’t want to change the tIme and didn’t want to help.
This is why he is an ex.
Just keep a record of these things.

I expect something like this is the case. He ignores you and treats you this way for the very fact you're his ex. Stbxh wouldn't treat a stranger the way he treats me, he'd never be so nasty and mean to a stranger. In his mind I'm to blame for everything, so our interactions are coloured by that. He's also very secretive and won't tell me things until the last minute, unless I have to show enough interest and ask the right questions to deserve to know. It's really messed up, but there's no point wondering why he does it, only he knows. It doesn't reflect your value that he ignores you, that behaviour is about who he is or maybe about who you were together. But unless you were abusive it's really not ok, he should be able to manage basic politeness.

Wishitsnows · 09/06/2023 11:14

Sounds like he did it on purpose. Don’t ever tell him you have tight timelines for anything or why. He will no doubt try to mess it up. The way that he ignores you is disgusting. Him ignoring you at handover will upset the kids and impact them. How a man treats the mother of his children shows how decent he his. Be glad this one is an ex.

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