To want to let things go

[Porthia]

How do you let it go when you feel hurt or wronged or (insert negative feeling here).

I’m a terror for ruminating on things and not being able to forget about it and move
on, especially when other people are involved.

eg at the moment someone slightly took advantage of me financially. It’s ok in that I can technically afford it but I am feeling pissed off and a bit hurt by the way this person has acted. It’s related to the fact they owe me a small sum of money (£150) and are clearly not going to pay it back. I wouldn’t mind if they came to me and apologised but they are just ignoring the situation and forcing me to chase them which is horrible. I don’t want to go into details as it’s v outing but I don’t want to make an issue out of this as it’s not worth the repercussions so I just need to swallow it and not feel bad about it.

It’s less about the specifics of that situation and more generally - how do I you decide to chalk something up to experience or whatever and move on and not feel resentful or hurt.

I don't know, Id love to know though. I've spent 20yrs listening to my friends problems, every time we meet. When my life fell apart in multiple ways all at once (breavement, redundancy, major health scare etc etc) all my problems were dismissed in 30 secs so they could carry on telling me about their friend Id never met and their issues, then they just stopped contacting me until about a year later when I was ok again. I can't get passed it, can't let it go, but no idea how to address it.

I find prayer helpful self reflection as to why it happened. friends a good whine and then forget.
forget but equally avoid the same crap happening twice. That’s where the self reflection fits in.
equally it’s a life long project live learn live learn

I find that if I think about the other person as a real actual person and that I probably don't know most of the stuff going on in their life, then that helps me to sort of give them the benefit of doubt and forgive them and then I can move on.

I guess that logically I know that holding on to it is not helpful to me either, so I have worked really hard to get better at letting things go.

Firstly can you try reframing things? So someone has cheated you out of £150- bloody hell, I’m glad I’m not so morally corrupt. Good riddance to them.

Secondly, and this is a bit weird, I mentally parcel up my grudge in brown paper and then mentally post it far, far away. It’s kind of effective especially for minor grievances, of which I have many!

Try and take a win or learn approach.
So in any situation you either win (things go your way, or mutual win) or you learn from it (which is really also a win because then you can avoid it happening again)

In this case, it's a learn. You lent someone money, they're not paying you back, you can afford the loss. What can you learn? Don't lend this same person money again.

I find for me, this helps to take the emotion out of the situation and I can let go a lot more easily.

I’m watching with interest as I am sometimes like you OP.

A close friend ripped into me recently in a group setting, and although I did respond, I feel I could have defended myself better.

I am getting all het up about seeing her again soon, and it’s really not healthy.

I like the idea of “posting the problem away”

I think a lot of it is down to how you were brought up tbh.

My parents always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, so I always do too.

I don't hold grudges as a rule either.

In the case of lending money, I have to be sure (the minute it leaves my hand/bank account) that I'm OK with them never paying it back. If I can't honestly say that, I don't lend it. I've lent a friend 350 quid before and then wrote it off when she went to pay it back, cos I knew she was struggling and I'm not.

I use a technique called journalspeak (look up journalspeak and Nicole Sachs I’m interested - not flogging anything she’s got a YouTube and a podcast with all the info). It’s an amazing technique, and tool for excavating emotions and releasing them. She used it as a way to help people get out of chronic pain, but honestly I think everyone would benefit from the work and knowing how to move past things

I used to try to let things go when someone upset me. I'd ruminate on it, consider what I did to deserve it, then feel bad possibly indefinitely. Then one day a switch flicked in my head. Why should I suffer when I've done nothing wrong? Now, when someone does me wrong I tell them in no uncertain terms.

Last week a man cycled past my dog on the pavement at speed. I was so rude to him. The old me would have fumed for days but the new me got a bit of a rush for standing up for myself. Fuck 'em.

@Jagoda i had this happen a couple months ago.
I’ve decided to end the friendship, because friends don’t behave that way to one another. I didn’t feel the friendship was healthy for me.
I’m still upset, but less and less each week.

I wonder if one reason this particular thing has got to you so much is because you are to some extent cross with yourself? Did you have a good idea that the person was not trustworthy but went ahead because you felt awkward saying no?

You have learned that this person isn't trustworthy. Even if they are struggling to pay you back they should be approaching you with a repayment plan - not you chasing them.

If the person you lent money to has financial/debt issues encouraging them to speak to a free debt advice charity like stepchange or Christians Against Poverty will help them more than temporarily plugging the gap.

Resolve never to lend money that you wouldn't gift.

''Try and take a win or learn approach.
So in any situation you either win (things go your way, or mutual win) or you learn from it (which is really also a win because then you can avoid it happening again)''

I really like this and didn't realise there was a name for it.

In my case I couldn't afford to lose £150 and for that reason I'd feel ok about not lending that amount in the first place. I find saying 'no' easier than worrying about a negative outcome.

Oh that journal speak looks right up my street. Going to give that a go. Coincidentally I also suffer from chronic pain due to hypermobility so thanks @misskatamari

Also thanks @greenspaces4peace . I’m not going to cut her off because we’re part of a wider friendship group, but I’m absolutely going to stand my ground.

If someone close to me (DH usually) hurts me or let's me down I find it very hard to get over it. A few weeks back DH chose to put what he wanted before what I needed from him at a really difficult time for me. I still haven't got over it and I know it'll be one of the many times I remember him letting me down when I was having an already awful time for one reason or another. Sorry that's no help.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I’m going to give these techniques a try! Like the idea of parcelling it up and sending it far away! The win and learn situation is also good although I still feel cross when I try to reframe it as a learning.

i think that this particular scenario has kind of made me realise that this person doesn’t actually care for me in the way they should if that makes sense. I think that’s why I am hurt and making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill because it feels indicative of our whole relationship - along with a number of other small things that kind of add up when you look at them as a whole - and that makes me sad.

I would not and cannot cut someone (family member) out over something like this but I think it’s confirmed that they don’t actually respect/ care for me in the way I had hoped. Hard to explain.

either way I do just need to accept it, move on and understand that this is how it is. And I need to stop trying to be generous as it’s totally unappreciated.