To be worried about parents' shopping addiction

[Beetmuffin]

Mum and dad are mid 60s, retired. Their lives have stagnated since all the lockdowns tbh. They don't go anywhere or do anything. They get up at 11am, watch GB News all day, and sit on Facebook for hours. Sometimes they only eat a sandwich or bowl of cereal all day, in my opinion because they can't be bothered to make anything to eat. They're wasting away before my eyes.

They are also addicted to internet shopping. Amazon Prime delivers nearly every day. They buy all sorts of random tat, decorative bits, gadgets, all sorts. The house is full of crap. But my main concern is that they keep getting scammed by dodgy retailers and sellers on Amazon, eg. Mum bought some cheap blinds for the patio doors that turned up and they were the size of an A3 piece of paper! They were £45 and she couldnt return them. She just shrugged it off and was like oh well we got stung this time. But it happens ALL THE TIME. They must be hemorrhaging cash... and they don't have much. Is there anything I can do? If I say anything I'll be ignored. They are very self righteous.

Mid 60s is still young enough to be out and about if they have no health issues. Can you get them a National Trust membership, encourage them to get fresh air and be outdoors, explore some towns. They must have interests they can do now retired? I think the key is to get them motivated to do something else with their time instead of being inside all day ordering things online. Have they anxiety about being outside after the lockdown?

Mid 60s for many is still working age - is there a reason why they are retired so early if they have little else planned to do with thier lives - would a volunteer role or part time job help?

Are they both as bad as each other, or do you think you could approach one of them individually? They sound depressed. My mother is 85 and doesn't live like this.

I mean my dad is 75 and is still farming (albeit at a reduced scale), going out to pubs, taking part in village activities, visiting interesting towns, taking part in his local quiz team.

@HanSB They're not interested. My mum has basically just become afraid to leave the house and admits that every time they go somewhere they find it too expensive or a disappointing day out so they'd rather stay at home..

@Ginmonkeyagain At the start of the pandemic they sold their very modest family home for decent money because of where it is, moved away and downsized so they could afford to retire with the profit they had left. But the money they made on the house sale is all they have really, pension wise, and they seem determined to spend it asap on cheap tat rather than hobbies or holidays for some reason! I know it's up to them but it pains me to see them constantly getting scammed for cheap tat.

If they don't go out to restaurants or on days out, their pastime is online shopping and their money is going on that.

Unless they're getting to debt, I wouldn't give them a hard time for it.

Can't you take them out? Plan a day trip and picnic that doesn't cost much money?

Hmm - sounds like a spur of the moment lockdown decision and they didn't plan properly for what retirement would be really like and are now depressed.

They could have another thirty years of this.

To add I think my dad sees early retirement as a status symbol, and was just dying to post it on his LinkedIn as a marker of his success. I think starting off their retirement in lockdown got them into bad habits of doing nothing at home. My mum was mostlty a SAHM, had a few PT jobs, but hasn't worked for over 15 years. Has never had friends or hobbies either so she's probably not going to start now. So she seems to shop instead.

admits that every time they go somewhere they find it too expensive or a disappointing day out so they'd rather stay at home..

I kind of see her point of view. Many meals out or places can be disappointing, especially if you're an introvert.

This exactly. It's just sad and I really worry about them. I know I can't solve their problems, but I live a few hours away and can't stop thinking about them sitting around at home wasting away, and being at risk of dodgy scams online. My dad got caught out by one of those courier text message scams recently and gave away all his bank details etc. Luckily he didn't lose any money, but they are prime targets for this kind of thing.

I think Covid has caused a lot of older people to stagnate at home and lose confidence in going out and having interests. It’s really common. I’ve seen similar with my parents and PILs. My PILs in particular are now essentially housebound (they are 75+ so it’s a bit different) and both suffer massively from mobility problems because if you don’t use it, you lose it.

@Beetmuffin Your parents are obviously bored and aimless and must be quite depressed. A National Trust membership isn’t going to fix this. But they do need a gentle nudge to start looking after themselves, eating properly, and to stop haemorrhaging money on crap they’re buying out of boredom. I feel for you. It’s very difficult.

That's a good call - being very sedentary and eating badly in your mid sixties will lead to a fairly quick deterioration in health.

I’d say that this is more common than you think, although most people would never admit to it. Couldn’t you spend some time with them or take them out?

I could have almost written this. They seem hell bent on making their world as small as possible- getting rid of cars, not renewing driving licenses, turning down any invitation that involves more than a tiny travelling distance. No hobbies, volunteering, friends or socialising. Every time you call them they are sitting in the same place, watching trash tv.

I don’t know what the answer is OP, but I worry for them I really do.

What did they do for enjoyment before? If your mum has never really worked she must have been doing something with her time?

I agree with pp that if you're not much of an extrovert it can be hard to motivate yourself and if they aren't unhappy with their lives I don't think there is much you can do.

I dont suppose they've always wanted a dog and now have the time to have one? Great for getting you out of the house and speaking to people, but obviously you have to want one.

Also do educate them on the scams, they should be able to get money back quite easily from places like ebay and amazon.

My in laws are like this except they shop in person. There's a constant flow of random new stuff: new clothes, new house accessories, new plants, they've got loads of food in but are always in the supermarket. They spent £2k on a new dining room floor but now can't afford to replace windows where the double glazing has blown. They've only been retired for 6 years and are already running out of money.

I don't know what the answer is or why they do it. I guess it's having more time but less cash and not making that mental adjustment. I adore them but it's not our problem to fix. We'd help them with a budget or finding best bank accounts but they can't seem to live with in their means at all

My parents are mid 60's and both still work full time. Is there any reason your parents couldn't pick up work? they sound like they've become way old before their time and very insular. Provided they don't have any issues, there is no reason why they can't pick up a part time job each, which solves the getting them out of the house bit.

They don't want to though

My idea would also be to talk to them about adopting a dog. If they lije dogs. It will distract them and supply them with a hobby, then new contacts, walks, being outside, less time to shop. Maybe mention the many dogs that are brought to shelters, as families regret buying them during the corona lockdown. Perhaps scoffing those families together a bit, to make your parents feel better about themselves, and they might come up with the adopting idea themselves. That would work much better with my parents. If I would ever suggest something, they sure will find anything to shoot the idea down.

I feel my in-laws are similar. Retiring and then covid has made their world so small. They've barely left the house in 3 years now and any task is a major event. Couldn’t possibly come and see us during April as their car was getting its MOT and that ruled out the entire month. Couldn’t come May cos FIL had a hospital appointment in May. Can’t come in the summer cos it’s tourist season and everywhere is busy.

Thankfully they do go out walking a lot. And are completely paranoid about scams. Also they have nothing else to do, so they’d absolutely fight for their money back on a dodgy item. They do seem to buy a lot online, but they don’t spend their money on anything else so I guess that’s up to them.

Love them but they’ve aged beyond recognition in the past few years!