Blended family

[harpervalleypta1]

I have lots of friends with blended families. Most seem to find it tough and there are a ton of problems. One, however, seems genuinely happy, with minimal drama. The difference with her is that her child has no contact with her biological father, and her new partner also has no children of his own. AIBU to think these two things make a massive difference?

Just interested, as I grew up desperately unhappy in a blended family. I'm sure they can and do work, but what I see in real life tells me otherwise the majority of the time.

Our blended family works well, I put it down to four very involved parents who all put the children first and no additional children in the new relationships. All the children know that they are the priority for their parents & have the added bonus of nice step parents siblings too. Also we have never forced the ‘family’ thing & we make sure that they have plenty of time 1-2-1 with their own parents.

It’s still bloody hard sometimes and obviously people fall out & get on each others nerves like in any family, but not worse than the average family I think.

I think when there’s bitterness with the exs then it won’t work well and only the children suffer. So if they can’t play nice then it’s possibly easier in some instances to be absent, but I guess that leaves a whole host of other issues for the child.

I get on great with my sons dad and I absolutely love my sons step mum! If his dad and her ever split up I’d be sorry for my son to lose her, which I hope wouldn’t happen because she is the mum of his siblings too! We can do family birthday meals together, share a table at a wedding etc.

Oh the other hand my DHs ex (they split almost 20 years ago) and she hates him, yes he wronged her but I’d have expected she’d have calmed a little over it by now especially as she remarried. I think there’s a lot of resentment there. It defo impacted the kids childhoods and still impacts them as adults.

Don't get me wrong, my sons dad wronged me, but I punished him by leaving, before I could be nice I was civil because I came from a blended family where everyone was at war and didn’t want that for my own children. I’ve seen/experienced it from a variety of angles and it can be so damaging.

We have a blended family but both our former partners have died. And this might sound callous but it is 'easier' I think, without the politics of ex-partners or the kids moving houses during the week.

The flipside of that is of course helping the children with their bereavements - it has been many years now but of course it doesn't just disappear.

I'm cautious about threads like this because mumsnet does love to bash blended families. I think they can and do work sometimes, and other times are more difficult.

So yes, in my experience I suspect it does make it 'easier' if there is no contact with the other parent. Not sure about the 'no other kids' part of it.

Ours works well but I would say it's because there's no bitterness between exes and everybody involved puts all the kids first (not just their own biological ones).

Hey! Quick question, when you say you don’t force the ‘family’ thing. What does that look like? I’m constantly saying to my partner we need family time but he always prioritises 1-1 time with his daughter when he sees her (4-5 times a month) and just says if we haven’t got plans then sometimes maybe we can do something together but he always says he will see how he feels on the day so I can never actually plan anything! We’re getting married in 9 months and he’s said he won’t change his mind about it ( the kids also argue every time and he says he doesn’t want his time with his daughter him having a go at her!)

I think blended families can be really tricky to establish and sometimes really hard work. But then that’s just families! They can also be wonderful and loud and chaotic and beneficial for everyone.

external factors, negativity and interference from others can be huge factors that make it all a bit harder to navigate.

No right or wrong ‘ingredients’ though

An awful lot of regular families don’t work either!

I'm in a situation where out blended family includes two siblings in mid 20's. They have lived at home and uni / travelling for the last 6-7 years and never really left home apart from the eldest. This is fine as we all get on most of the time but now my P wants to move the eldest son back in for a 'few months' while he saves up money I presume for another flat. I'm against this idea for a number of reasons but have offered to give / loan him all the money he needs. My last experience of living with him was v. stressful and ended up in full confrontation. We have an 8 year old daughter so really need a quite home not a semi shared 'student house'. Am I being unreasonable?