Would this make me sound like a crazy person?

[LennyKoggins]

I need to know how to go about something and hope you wise people can help.

We had new neighbours last year, they have a toddler and just recently had a new baby. I never formally introduced myself (my bad - I know) but always say hello when I see them out the front or back. The man works during the day and from what I can tell the woman is at home with the children.

We have quite thin walls and I can hear the baby crying/toddler running around etc (absolutely not a problem at all). The woman has been sounding quite stressed recently, eg shouting at the toddler a lot (understandable - toddlers can be assholes). This morning I heard her crying (the woman not the toddler). I'm not actively listening out for them BTW, it's just that when my children are at school (I have teenagers) my house is very quiet as I don't really watch TV or have the radio on.

Now for what I need advice with - I was thinking about perhaps taking round a little bag with maybe a comic or toy for the toddler, a gift for the baby of some sort and some flowers or chocolate or something for the woman, along with a note introducing myself and offering some help if she ever needs it. I was thinking along the lines of if she ever needs anything picking up from the shop or a lift anywhere (they have a car but the man is out in it I assume at work during the day).

I was also trying to figure out whether it would be weird offering to take the children for a walk around the block or to the park if she ever needs half an hour to herself. I'm a paramedic which I'm sure they know as I've seen them when I've been leaving for work, so I'm obviously DBS checked and fairly responsible, and they know I have children of my own. Would this be seen as a crazy thing to offer? I really don't want to come across as a nutjob offering to take someone else's children out, but I just remember how utterly exhausting it is looking after a toddler and a baby and want to be able to help if she needs it. Or should I just mind my own business and act like I have no idea what's going on incase she feels it's an invasion of her privacy? I obviously wouldn't mention that I've heard her crying or anything but I really don't want to make her feel awkward or uncomfortable.

So - AIBU to offer to help this woman? What shall I do?

You would not be unreasonable to pop round and introduce yourself and to bring a gift for the baby/toddler, or offer help with shopping etc, but I would hold off on offering to take the kids out for a walk. Maybe if you get to know her a bit

I think the mini hamper and your offer sound like a lovely idea. I’d probably pop round and say hello face-to-face then write a note though. It would break the ice and make it easier for her to ask for help if she needed it.

I think I'd be inclined just to invite her round for a coffee in the first instance. Nobody would dream (I hope) of leaving their children with a complete stranger. I'd get to know her first and then decide the best way of offering support. She might just need some company. Perhaps drop a note round asking whether she fancies coming over and add your mobile number.

I think your idea about taking gifts and introducing yourself is lovely. But personally I would be suspicious of anyone I didn't know asking/offering to take my children anywhere without me, struggling or not. There's no way I would say yes, and I might be more wary of that person.

I would do the introduction thing and then see if you strike up a friendship. If that happens and you get to know one another and there's trust there, then maybe offer, but much later down the line.

Trying to remember what it was like being a mum of three tiny children and know how tough it was. All I seemed to do was feed, change nappies, go up and down the road to nursery repeat... I would be upset if I thought someone thought I was not coping when I put on a brave front.. if the other mums can do it then so can I...........

You could just ask her if she is ok when you see her.. tell her you remember what looking after little ones was like and you had no help either.......... and see what she says.
Don't say you heard anything.

Aw OP you sound lovely. I think it would be a nice thing to try and build a relationship, but I’d go slow and do it on her terms. If she doesn’t really respond then I’d back away. It would be very easy to come across as overbearing, even though that wouldn’t be your intention. Some people would really welcome you, and others would find it off putting/uncomfortable. I wonder if you still have any old toddler toys in the loft that you could offer her as a way in? That way you can sort of start a conversation with it staying very casual. If she responds positively you can try and have more of a quick chat now and then when you see her in the street and see if it builds from there? But equally if she seems like she just wants to cut conversation off then I’d just back away. At least she’ll know there’s a smiling face next door if she ever needs one.

Thank you for the replies. Yes you're all right - I'm so glad I asked. I think I knew it wasn't really an appropriate thing to offer but hearing her sobbing this morning made me remember those early days so vividly - how absolutely exhausting it was! I just had this desperate urge to help another woman out having been in her shoes. So thank you for the perspective. And of course I wouldn't ever dream of mentioning that I can hear them, although I'd imagine she can hear us sometimes so may have an idea that I can anyway.

I think I'll do the note saying hello/congratulations/ a general let me know if you need help with anything, and a few little bits for them. I thought a note would be better than a full on face to face conversation because she can take it in in private rather than what could potentially be an awkward conversation. I'll put my phone number in there too. Then next time I see her I'll make more of an effort to say hello and ask how she's doing.

Thanks again for the advice - it's appreciated.

Just want to say what a lovely person you sound like

I'd love it if you were my neighbour OP. I definitely nip round with some small gifts, and start building a relationship with her. I wouldn't necessarily offer to take the children out on your first meeting.

I would so have appreciated something like this when I was going through a tough time with my children. The note and hamper is such a lovely thing to do and maybe once you've spoken a few times you could include your very generous offer of taking the little ones somewhere to give her a break.
I wish there were more people like you in this world OP x

Yea definitely a note , little presents and your phone number . I remember my mum could see her neighbour opposite once trying to clean the windows and hold a baby and my mum nipped over and offered to take the baby for a walk , she was so grateful , but they had had conversations prior to that .

the note/gift etc etc all sound nice, but the thing that I would be doing is inviting her round for a coffee.

Get to know her and let her get to know you.

Then when you offer to pop to shops etc, she knows who you are.

I'd have loved to be invited round next door for a coffee and some cake when mine were little, but I'd have been a bit embarrassed at someone unexpectedly knocking my door with gifts expecting to come in (just because the house was always a tip 😬)

Oh I most definitely will not be expecting to go in! I'm exactly the same, my house is rarely spotless. I was even thinking about just dropping them at the doorstep and running away 😂(I won't) because I hate awkward situations and would also hate to make anyone else feel uncomfortable.

You sound lovely.

Maybe just ask her round for a coffee first before the offer of lifts etc - simply so she feels more comfortable - I'm not sure I'd ask someone I don't know for help.

I think it's really odd to take gifts round to someone you haven't properly spoken to for nearly a year.

I think it's really odd to write a note saying you can pop to the shop for her if she needs it when you could just say that.

I think it's not at all odd to invite a neighbour for coffee, especially if you say "Hey, we haven't even properly spoken yet."

You sound lovely but I agree with @MasterBeth in that I think it's a bit odd to pop round with a note / gifts to a neighbour who has been there a year and you haven't spoken to much. If I got a note offering coffee / chat I'd think that's nice but I wouldn't text you as I'd feel really awkward.

Why not get some cake, pop round and say hello, I'm putting the kettle on would you like a brew and some cake and go from there. Or take some cake round on a plate with cling film and say you bought it but can't stop eating it and need to be good. Much easier to have a convo and less awkward (even if it feels awkward!!!).

You could ask round for a coffee there and then and if she says no you can leave the cake and the offer of coffee for next week or whenever.

I don't know wtf is wrong with me, but you brought a tear to my eye. I remember climbing the walls with only one toddler, as a single mum.

Is there no opportunity for bumping into her outside, maybe over the garden fence, and properly introducing yourself? Kids are always up to something that can act as an ice breaker, so perhaps now that the better weather is here they'll be out there more.

Once you find the opportunity for introductions, and she gets to know and trust you, I'm sure she will really appreciate having you next door.
You sound fantastic 

Another here to say you sound like a dream neighbour (and stellar person) OP. I bet she'll be very grateful for the offer of a coffee, it will remove the mental worry if she thinks she's disturbing you and will give her an opportunity to open up to you if she would like that.

I think the best way to start building a relationship would be to invite her round for coffee (you can couch it up in a 'my bad!' way - 'oh what am I like, you've been here a year already, we must get together!'), then you can get chatting and hopefully a friendship (or at least a good neighbourly relationship) might emerge?

Randomly popping round with gifts and offers of support and phone numbers might make it look very obvious that you're aware things are a bit tense.

It's a really good thing that you're thinking of offering support, but some people are (for better or worse) very proud and / or private and a very direct appeal might make them clam up.

Take it softly.

I think a DBS checked paramedic with her own kids is different to a lady who no one knows their job etc. I dont think it would be too much to offer given your job/position. I think you sound lovely and caring x

I agree with everyone here. But just to add, I have been there with a toddler and newborn and I would have loved this. But I wouldn't have let a neighbour take my son out (even the ones I knew well) because of his awful toddler behaviour! I could not have inflicted my DS1 as a toddler on anyone but close family and paid professionals.

Not saying her child is necessarily badly behaved or anything, but it's possible if she is telling him off she may also worry about how well he would behave for you.

I would have loved someone to just offer a friendly chat though. I remember bumping into one of my neighbours in the street when I was struggling with my two and she just told me that her two had been exactly the same and she reassured me. We've moved now, but I always think of her when I see my now (much older) children getting on as best friends!

I would hold off on all offers and just try and make friends with her.
Drop a note round - you're on maternity leave and wondered if she would like to pop round for a coffee/tea etc? Take it from there.