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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel school haven't gone far enough in dealing with bully?

26 replies

Sorrythatnameistaken · 07/06/2023 08:29

My DD has been bullied by a girl at school since Y4 (now Y6). It started with name calling, separating her from friends, online harassment using the schools TEAMS set up for online learning during lockdown and general nastiness. It left my normally confident, bubbly daughter anxious and very depressed and for a while I was really worried about her. The school "spoke" to the girl involved initially and banned her from the schools TEAMS chats - that didn't work. They then tried restorative justice (making my DD sit in a room with her while she apologised) - that didn't work. They called her parents that didn't work. They sent the girl to the school ELSA - that didn't work. For the past few months she had seemed to get bored and move on then a nasty Tik Tok video was posted about my DD which school knew about (DD is not allowed social media so luckily didnt see but others obviously did) and school again "talked" to the girl and she couldn't play sports for that day as punishment!
AIBU to think that 2 years of sustained bullying like this should lead to more?? My daughter has given up - in her words, what's the point she knows she'll just get away with it. When I talk to teachers H/teacher I'm told the girl has a "hard" home life but surely that doesn't make it ok for her to destroy my daughters confidence and school life at will???

WWYD

OP posts:
ODFODeary · 07/06/2023 08:45

What's ELSA ?
Her home life is not your responsibility, that's said to help you empathise
Look up their anti bullying policy
Say you want your concerns escalated write to the Chair of Governors really push it

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 08:49

Unfortunately you will not get anywhere with this. Schools never deal with bullies because there are no effective sanctions and bullies never change their behaviour. In my experience all you can do is change schools or withdraw your child from school and homeschool if you want to cut contact with the bully. Bullying in schools is rife now and one of the reasons why people are getting away with absolutely foul behaviour as they get older.

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 08:53

Probably the only way of stopping a bully is for the victim to turn on them and give them a damn good beating, but that's not tolerated now so... bullies only respect the pecking order because they're very basic people with low intelligence and primal instincts who can't handle their emotions and drives.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/06/2023 08:58

YA definitely NBU. I can see the school have tried but nowhere near hard enough. They've basically said "Oh well we've tried this and that and it didn't work, we can't do anymore.". However in their duty of care surely they're obligated to ensure they work until they solve the issue.
I am extremely angry that they mentioned her bad home life to you. For a start it's a breach of confidentiality. That's neither yours and certainly not your DD's problem. What are the school expecting you to do give this girl a pass to bully your DD be car ahe has she her issues at home. I'm sure a lot of kids have their problems which is of course heart breaking but its no way an excuse and nor should it ever be used as an excuse to cause misery to other kids.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/06/2023 09:02

I'd never wish bullying on any one. However no matter how big tough hard and brave this girl believes she is she'll meet someone tougher when she gets into the big school.

Spendonsend · 07/06/2023 09:05

What does the schools anti bullying policy say they will do? You can see if they are following that at least. It will be on their website.

When my son was being bullied in year 5/6, the bully had some internal exclusions where basically they did work in the heads office. It at least meant my son didnt have to sit in a room with the bully and he felt there was a consequence. Im not sure it really stopped it though. Luckily for us the bully went to a different secondary.

hardboiledeggs · 07/06/2023 09:09

Unfortunately it seems that the school cannot do more at this stage. If there is online bullying possibly try the police re harassment.

I only have young kids, but I have been bullied in the past so I hope and pray they never go through any of this, I can't imagine how you are feeling.

Maybe speak to your DD and see if she would be willing to change school?

AnneElliott · 07/06/2023 11:37

Schools are pretty crap about dealing with bullies in my experience. Either you make yourself a nuisance with the head or you go to the bully parents directly.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 11:53

ODFODeary · 07/06/2023 08:45

What's ELSA ?
Her home life is not your responsibility, that's said to help you empathise
Look up their anti bullying policy
Say you want your concerns escalated write to the Chair of Governors really push it

Emotional literacy support assistant I think

SouthCountryGirl · 07/06/2023 11:58

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 08:53

Probably the only way of stopping a bully is for the victim to turn on them and give them a damn good beating, but that's not tolerated now so... bullies only respect the pecking order because they're very basic people with low intelligence and primal instincts who can't handle their emotions and drives.

I know someone who did this - school did nothing. Actually they did - they excluded him for daring to fight back.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/06/2023 12:01

I would insist of a meeting with the chairman of governors and insist , as a minimum, the child is not in the same classes as your child, and is kept indoors at break time so your child goes about her normal day and the bully is dealt with separately

I would also comment on the breach of privacy regarding her home life, which is of no interest or concern to you or your child, and that it should not be used as an excuse

If all else fails I would threaten going to the police, and in fact would be prepared to do so

EvilElsa · 07/06/2023 12:04

If she's posting on bloody TikTok in year 6 then her parents are fucking idiots and I'm not sure you will get anywhere with them.
Report any and all online bullying and make screenshots/recordings of everything posted. Don't let up with the school. I'd consider moving schools if possible if they are not going to deal with it further.

Theunamedcat · 07/06/2023 12:10

In primary they do fuck all one child bullied mine for years in and out of school HOWEVER high school came he lasted until October/November time? Then he (the bully) was out of the school not sure if mum pulled him because they told her off or if they removed him either way it was peaceful his OTHER bully made it to year 8 before being thrown out of the school apparently its still my sons fault he should just stop being a weirdo in the presence of greatness (ie their sons)

I never understood it all through primary the first mum moaned what do you want me to do about him he is a little prick I can't control him (at age 7) then high school she moaned the school agreed with her yes he is a little prick but he is not going to be one at OUR SCHOOL

LittleOwl153 · 07/06/2023 12:14

I would make sure your DD is going to a different secondary... or if that's impossible make sure the school k ow that this girl is a bully and the impact it is having AND that you will take no more nonsense from them about not dealing with it.

Fight for your daughter. Mine is a bit older and has suffered similar damage... its devastating. And she will never recover I don't think.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 07/06/2023 12:17

Terrible carry on. That kid should be excluded from the school for doing this.

pinboardwizard · 07/06/2023 12:21

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 08:49

Unfortunately you will not get anywhere with this. Schools never deal with bullies because there are no effective sanctions and bullies never change their behaviour. In my experience all you can do is change schools or withdraw your child from school and homeschool if you want to cut contact with the bully. Bullying in schools is rife now and one of the reasons why people are getting away with absolutely foul behaviour as they get older.

This is almost true in my experience.

Schools are very reluctant to admit they have a bullying problem as it is a ' bad look ' for them, and very difficult to deal with.

Unfortunately bullying is often minimalised by the bullies parents and the schools, and going via the correct channels can often make things work.

Quite frankly, if my child gets bullied then she will be taken to self defence classes to combat any physical stuff, and the police will be involved in any online social media harassment.

I would only disagree with the bullies never change bit...they do when they get a damn good hiding, but I guess that only stops them for a while.

We have all worked in jobs with bullies, and imagined what these colleagues were like in school.

MMorales · 07/06/2023 12:23

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 08:53

Probably the only way of stopping a bully is for the victim to turn on them and give them a damn good beating, but that's not tolerated now so... bullies only respect the pecking order because they're very basic people with low intelligence and primal instincts who can't handle their emotions and drives.

Yup.

If your kid isnt in any classes and has time, get her into a martial arts class.

It will teach her life skills as well as confidence.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 07/06/2023 12:30

email the head of the school governor's and insist on a meeting. Phone the Police about the Tiktok and notify the school that the Police are now involved.

The kids home life is of no concern to you, but I'm sure empathy can be applied and the school/governor's need to be told that they have divulged private information to you that wasn't asked for.

Your poor daughter; I'm so sorry. I hope she can get some support from other friends.

Confusion101 · 07/06/2023 12:44

This is a tricky one. Am I right in saying the bullying stopped for a while and then went on social media? The school could have a policy about not getting involved in online bullying as technically it is not happening "in school" - I know of a few schools where they wrote this into their policy in recent years. What does the school anti bullying policy say?

justpushingthrough · 07/06/2023 12:45

I know someone....

Very similar story to yours, anyways eventually parent had enough, went to the childs door and said to the mum (whilst child was standing there) if you dont stop your child it will be me and you that has the issue, i will drag you out in the street and do what your child has done to mine.

It stopped.

Dont get me wrong, i think its awful it came to this, and i dont necessarily think its the best way but it did work.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 07/06/2023 12:58

Oh I would be making the girl's SCHOOL life very fucking difficult too. I suffered at the hands of a twat at school who threatened to "Punch my lights out" (I was 6 and I can vividly remember it). The school shrugged its shoulders, "oh we like sitting x next to Bellartrix as she's so well-behaved we hope it will rub off on him". My mum approached the boy in the playground and said if you hit Bellatrix I'll hit you ten times harder - in front of his mum. The bullying stopped pronto. This little madam needs a shock from an adult who MEANS what they say.

stbrandonsboat · 07/06/2023 13:33

SouthCountryGirl · 07/06/2023 11:58

I know someone who did this - school did nothing. Actually they did - they excluded him for daring to fight back.

Show quote history

Did it stop the bully though? It's worth an exclusion if it stops them.

Ifartglitterybaubles · 07/06/2023 13:45

We had this recently with a group of girls bullying my Dd, it started in year 5 and came to a head when I found nasty messages on her phone. I took the phone into school and they did come down hard which stopped most of them.

My Dd is a kind, generally happy but quite shy girl and she didn't want to tell me as she didn't want to get anyone in trouble.

One child decided to carry on and targeted Dd, excluding her, nasty comments, pushing her in the playground, I went to the head, they tried to deal with the parents and it still didn't stop. I'd had enough, I did speak to the child's parents, I was angry and I was done, so I dealt with it in the playground, this was in full view and earshot of the other parents.

I wasn't rude but I did get my point across and made sure everyone heard, it stopped that day, I guess embarrassment and shame was all it took for the parents to actually deal with it.

LuvSmallDogs · 07/06/2023 14:13

@EvilElsa , the number of primary kids on SM these days is crazy. DS1 is 9 and comes home asking about references that other kids are making and they're all from TikTok when I google them (he's too young for TikTok, I'm too old).

As far as the bullying goes, I would honestly confront the parent or the child themselves. When I say confront the child, I don't mean anything more than a loud "Excuse me, Lily, please stop bullying my daughter Cara, she doesn't deserve it" and if the parent's there to stare down while you say it, so much the better!

I once watched a mum barge on to the school bus to deliver a far less polite message to her daughter's bully!

80skid · 07/06/2023 16:50

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 07/06/2023 12:58

Oh I would be making the girl's SCHOOL life very fucking difficult too. I suffered at the hands of a twat at school who threatened to "Punch my lights out" (I was 6 and I can vividly remember it). The school shrugged its shoulders, "oh we like sitting x next to Bellartrix as she's so well-behaved we hope it will rub off on him". My mum approached the boy in the playground and said if you hit Bellatrix I'll hit you ten times harder - in front of his mum. The bullying stopped pronto. This little madam needs a shock from an adult who MEANS what they say.

I've come across this many times unfortunately, where the well behaved quiet kids are sat next to the trouble makers hoping it will run off. My friend's daughter was even kept in at break times to "teach Bully how to be a good friend". Her school life was a complete misery. She moved schools eventually.