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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be stressed about spending time with mum

29 replies

PeachyT · 07/06/2023 07:59

Mum is 60, retired, and is chronically miserable and critical. I'm taking her out for the day today, but I'm absolutely wracked with anxiety that things won't be to her standard, that she'll moan and complain the whole time. I didn't sleep at all last night. I get overwhelmingly anxious whenever I visit her, or plan anything with her because she's never happy, she never enjoys anything, and I just dread her whinging about everything. I wish I didn't feel like this. Any tips for caring less? It's not easy.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 07/06/2023 08:03

Any tips for caring less? It's not easy.

It’s not. My mother is out of this mould. In the end, I decided that I would care less and, over time, I did. And now I don’t bother at all. Grey rock is a good approach, too. Don’t tell her things about your life and she can’t criticise. Conversation all very general and generic. “What have you been up to?” = “Oh, this and that. The usual.” That sort of thing. It is hard.

LadyBird1973 · 07/06/2023 08:03

My tip is to spend less time with her. And when she's constantly complaining, point this out to her. Sometimes people lack self awareness and don't realise just how much they whinge and it becomes their default setting that they need shocking out of.
If she's bored and miserable then she needs to change her life - go back to work or find something she loves doing.

ssd · 07/06/2023 08:14

Stop indulging her. Just stop.

Maray1967 · 07/06/2023 08:17

Pull her up on it and make it clear that if it continues she won’t be getting days out with you. ‘Mum, do you actually want to go out? You’ve done nothing but moan the whole time and it isn’t very pleasant for me’.

Apologies if you’ve already tried that - if so, how did she respond?

Acheyknees · 07/06/2023 08:21

When she starts complaining say 'shall we go home, you don't seem to be enjoying it' or ' let's go out another day when you're in a better mood'. And go home, don't allow her misery to ruin your day.

ConcernedCatmother · 07/06/2023 08:25

What are her redeeming qualities? Did you have a good childhood or has she been there for you? Does she have dementia or is this just her…..

If no to the above, i’d go very low/no contact after telling her exactly how her attitude makes you feel…if she loves and values you she will change it, if not - it will make very low/no contact easier!

SequinDiscoBiscuits · 07/06/2023 08:33

I've just had to cancel a few days visit from DM 70 for the same reasons. I've never cancelled before, but It can seriously take it's toll on your wellbeing when nothing is ever enough. It was difficult to do and I do feel bad, but sometimes you have to put yourself first.
I could never say anything about her behaviour as it would be met with a stone wall. My mother is never wrong, accountable or apologetic.
So you have my sympathy, and you've received some good advice above.

Xrays · 07/06/2023 08:35

Acheyknees · 07/06/2023 08:21

When she starts complaining say 'shall we go home, you don't seem to be enjoying it' or ' let's go out another day when you're in a better mood'. And go home, don't allow her misery to ruin your day.

This. Pull her up on it. Some people don’t realise how moany they are.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/06/2023 08:41

I used to just zone out as my mother wittered on about sickness, death, misery and old age. Learning to emotionally detach was key. Also taking to the cinema so I didn't have to speak (or listen) to her.

PJRules · 07/06/2023 08:47

I tried very gently pulling my mum up on her behaviour, she didn't speak to me for months and all the family had a go at me for upsetting her.

She's actually a bit better now but still 90% of her conversation is complaining about her life or other people. I just play a role and agree with her.

I can do this because I only see her every few months and crucially the rest of out conversation is vi's text so I can just ignore bits I don't want to engage with. The dc love her and she's not at all 'bad' just whiney so I don't want to cut her out.

shellyleppard · 07/06/2023 19:01

This happened with my mum. It got so bad neither myself or my sons wanted to spend any time with her. Unfortunately little or no contact is the only way to preserve your sanity x

dancefornow · 07/06/2023 19:18

Could she be depressed? I would try to be a bit kinder towards her

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/06/2023 19:21

ssd · 07/06/2023 08:14

Stop indulging her. Just stop.

I agree with this and I'm 60.

Mary46 · 07/06/2023 19:22

Yes its tiring op I feel for you. She 80. I do grey rock too no big details as just goady comments. Was she always like this. Its exhausting though isnt it. I think some are just negative

JKDcot · 07/06/2023 19:25

I feel exactly the same and I dread spending time with my mum. She just doesn’t listen or have any logical conversation. She just wants to talk about herself or moan about other people and go on and on about stuff that’s been done to upset her. She just wants me to validate it and I don’t ever agree but she wouldn’t listen if I tried to explain another perspective.

i wish I had better advise to share! I just don’t know how to emotionally detach also? It makes me angry and anxious too

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/06/2023 19:25

Stop all contact for a few weeks (other than to let her know you're still alive and fine). If she eventually asks about the lack of contact say "I just can't be doing with your negative mindset any more, it's bringing me down to your level. If you are depressed then see your GP."

Weal · 07/06/2023 19:29

My mother is similar. I just don’t spend time alone with her anymore. Wouldn’t dream of going with her just us, let alone for a day. When we are in the same space I usually have very little conversation or surface level conversation.

I’m not sure how you can stop yourself feeling anxious about seeing her. I guess some self talk to remind yourself that it is t your responsibility to make her happy. If you’ve arranged a meal etc that’s a nice and kind thing, if she moans through it that’s a sign of her own inadequacies.

oldestmumaintheworld · 07/06/2023 19:37

Has your mum always been like this? If so, I'd say stop visiting and tell her you find it difficult because she clearly doesn't enjoy your company.
If not, then ask her why she is so fed up. She's only 60. So suggest she gets a job. It'll give her something else to think about.

Screamingabdabz · 07/06/2023 19:44

This seems such a common experience I pray someone will be patient with me when I get like that.

My DM is the same though and I try to be kind and cajole. I laugh and distract like I would with a toddler. My boundaries are rock solid though. She treated me like shit when I was a teenager so it’s my choice to be magnanimous. I would walk away, or speak harshly, in heartbeat if she crossed a line.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/06/2023 20:38

But @Screamingabdabz - don't you feel quite confident that you won't "get like that" having experienced it? OP's mother is only 60 it would be really unusual if she had an age-related condition like dementia to make it outside of her control. Maybe when parents get really old and have medical conditions that make life difficult - that's the time to make the argument for patience.

As I said, I am 60 and I know for a fact, for certain, that I am not as hard work to my children as this. I am always delighted to see them and we have a proper laugh together. We talk about pretty much everything. I am adjusting to seeing them as adults who see me because they choose to, not because they have to. I think that's fine and I love seeing them as independent from me/dh.

Original poster

PeachyT · 08/06/2023 04:43

Thanks for all your experiences and advice.

She has always been very complainy, nothing was ever to her standards. But it's just got worse and every little thing that isn't to her liking is reacted to like it's a personal slight against her. Eg. Something as simple as a waitress forgets to bring some requested sauce to the table and she loses it and vows to never come to this place ever again! Exhausting.

OP posts:

electriclight · 08/06/2023 05:25

She sounds depressed. It is not usual to never find joy in anything. If it was in response to a life event - ill health, bereavement, divorce - id be more understanding, but if she has been like this for a long time then I would begin to wonder about MH including depression. Would she be open to discussing it with her GP? People do seem to be so much more understanding when younger people are like this, we recognise that something is wrong and need help. But older people are just miserable and annoying. MH issues are selfish, and hard for others to tolerate, but I think id want to help my mum. As pp have said, point it out to her when she does it.

Original poster

PeachyT · 08/06/2023 09:07

Thank you @electriclight. Yes she has had depression on and off all her life but won't get help. She has a phobia of medication and refuses to have antidepressants, and doesn't believe in therapists. I just feel awful that I feel this way about our relationship and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

OP posts:

TravellingJack · 08/06/2023 10:26

My mum can be like this. She's nearly 80, no signs of dementia or anything, just increasingly negative and fearful about anything and everything. It sucks the joy out of spending time with her or even speaking on the phone as if I mention even something as simple as doing the school run, she says 'oh do be careful crossing the road, won't you!' which I know is out of love etc but so infuriating when it is about every tiny little thing. I suspect if I told her I was making a cuppa she'd warn me about the hot water... It is absolutely exhausting.

How I deal with it is probably not the best/kindest, but I don't have much spare patience these days (I have a toddler with EMOTIONS) and it's a struggle to keep my temper with the constant drip drip drip, so I tend to be brusque and say 'no Mum, these days I find it much more fun to cross the road with my eyes shut' etc - silly, petty, whatever, but it stops me losing my shit at her and I think (hope) gets the message across that her constant worrying at me is a bit annoying!

I also do as PP suggested and tell her outright sometimes - 'Mum, I hate telling you stuff when all you do is give negative comments. It makes me not want to tell you things.' She always blusters and denies it, but does then make a (short-lived) effort to stop. The more I say it, the easier it has become - I used to hate feeling like I was criticising my mum, but also hated telling her anything because of the inevitable reaction, so a short 'Mum, stop being so negative!' is a lot easier to just say rather than let her get up steam while I lose my temper.

electriclight · 08/06/2023 14:55

PeachyT · 08/06/2023 09:07

That's really hard then isn't it. It is so draining to support family members with MH issues and even more frustrating when they won't get help. What a shame she won't talk to anyone. I think all you can do then is minimise contact, grit your teeth when you do see her, and suggest she gets help at every opportunity.

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