I have an irrational fear of organising funerals

[Radi0liverpool]

I have never had anyone close to me die. I keep thinking about my parents or partner dying and how I just can't bare the idea of organising a funeral. I hate organising parties and it causes me huge anxiety, I love other people's parties, weddings but i eloped to marry so I didn't have to organise one.
Anyway, sometimes I feel like I really would prefer to die before any of these people so I don't have to organise their funeral. Why am I getting preoccupied with this?? I'm quite sure it doesn't fill other people's heads!

I don’t think that’s irrational at all, I think it’s totally rational.

I had to organise a parent’s funeral during COVID lockdowns and it was probably the most stressful thing I have done.

That said the feelings of achievement afterwards and the satisfaction of giving my parent a good send off were some recompense.

Not everyone wants or has to have a big funeral. Do you have someone who would help you if you found yourself in such a position?

I feel like these people would want one. I have a brother and maybe he would do it for parents. I just feel like the persons funeral shouldn't be based on how crap I am at organising it. People come away from funerals saying how nice they were and their were films of video clips and photos all over the walls etc. I just don't know how I'd do all that and that's not fair on my partner or parents or kids!

Doesn't sound like any funeral I've ever been to...films and photos on the wall?!

I disagree that it's stressful to organise a funeral. I found it very easy OP. The funeral directors will explain everything to you and what needs to be chosen etc You have to let people know when it is. We had a wake in our house which saved the stress of booking a venue.

I've done it twice for both parents. You do it in a fog, and the funeral directors help. It's not something I ever looked forward to, but it's not like a party with expectations, and you do it because you have to.

I didn't have photos or videos etc. You don't need to do all that if you don't want to.

You need to speak to your parents about this and ask what they want. My dad died recently and both mum and he had taken out a funeral plan which stated exactly what they wanted - chosen cremation, said what music they wanted, even chosen the coffin. It really took the burden off mum, me and my siblings because there was none of the "what would dad have wanted" because he'd told us.

In my very recent experience, a good funeral director will do it all for you. They will lead you through the decisions you have to make. Ours recommended a place for the tea and sadnwiches after (which isn't compulsory), flowers etc.

It's never easy planning a funeral but it's something we're all going to have to do. I am very grateful to my parents for being so organised about it all.

To be fair, it’s social etiquette to say that funerals are nice. Even when they’re a bit grim. It’s not as if you can would them on “How’s My Funeral” or anything.

Oh and we had no videos or fancy stuff. We gathered together some old photos from the stash mum has at home and took them to the funeral tea in a cardboard box. People could look at them if they chose to do so.

If you DO want fancy video stuff, the funeral director will be able to arrange it. It's their job to manage and coordinate this stuff and take the burden away from the family.

Then don't do it. You're not obligated to.
We don't do them in our family now. Direct cremation and then close family and friends can meet up for a dinner or something.
The dead person really doesnt give a toss about their "send off". And all ths guff about people being given a chance to say goodbye - it's usually relatives you haven't seen for decades who only made the effort to visit after you've snuffed it.
I arranged a big memorial for my mother. Appallingly stressful at the worst time in my life. Never again.

This is the definition of overthinking. How many funerals do you realistically think you'll need to organise? Maybe write down a list now of the steps you'll need to take. Who to contact, when to book somewhere etc. If you have a plan in place now (even if it ends up needing to change), will that help you feel calmer? Most people don't have to arrange many funerals and are feeling their way through it at the time. Funeral directors do the bulk of it and are brilliant.

Could you rationalise it by looking v briefly into what would be involved, and have a list of numbers ready. E.g. local funeral director, a couple of venues for an afternoon wake, church or crematorium where the service would be held, where you would get an order of service printed. Briefly think through who you would invite, and do you have their contact details. Have you ever had a conversation with your parents about what music or readings they like? Ie think through the process and demystify it. Once you have the above sorted that's basically it and the process takes care of itself to a large extent. To be honest its probably good planning for everyone to think about this in advance.

I, as my dad’s next of kin, had to organise his when I was in my 20’s. Over 10 years ago - but honestly the undertakers and crematorium do so much, I found that all I had to do was make choices and give instructions. Dad died suddenly but for those who don’t it really is beneficial for them to be explicit about their wishes for their funeral.

Also you don’t HAVE to have a funeral for anyone.it’s not required.

I have organised several funerals, most recently my husband's a few months ago. It is not difficult at all. You go to the funeral director (or they visit you). You pick a plan. Everybody helps you. They are glad to help you. One person can book the wake. Another person can contact everyone. Someone else gets pictures from Facebook.

You can sit and drink and choose the music and weep. It's allowed. It's good to have something to focus on, but you don't have to do that much really. You are not really worrying about this; what does this represent to you?

My daughter and I organised my sons funeral during covid. The funeral director was lovely and guided us every step of yhe way.

For a bit context, my son died in another country and was repatriated home, so was a bit more difficult.

The FD was patient, gave us all the choices re coffins etc recommended florists. Everything was explained to us.

It was my dads funeral yesterday and again the whole process was made easy, with kindness and patience.

FDs are very experienced, try not to worry, they will guide you every step of the way.

I've been to many really good funerals and not one has had videos. I really don't think it's essential (in fact I'd personally want to avoid videos because it would make it too difficult. It's already a very painful experience. I don't want to watch videos as well). At my uncle's funeral we printed off a few photos of him and then stuck them in my auntie's house where she held the wake for a handful of close family and friends.
I wouldn't worry about organising it. There are obviously funeral directors who organise it and then you meet the vicar to discuss the service. If you're not having a religious ceremony you meet whoever is running the service. It's not like you have to organise some fun show for everyone.

Hi OP. Family of funeral directors and funeral arrangers here.

It's simple to arrange a funeral, you chose the company to use and then sit with the arranger who can literally organise everything for you. It's what they do!

The wake can be very simple and you can ask a friend or relative to sort that part out if you'd prefer at the time. Some crematoriums and cemeteries have additional rooms to hold the wake and can do catering which makes it even simpler.

Please don't let this worry invade your mind for years to come.

If you can ask your parents - while death is still hypothetical - what they want, it will make things so much easier.
My mum wrote down what hymns she wanted (she was a regular churchgoer), where to have tea, the fact that she didn't want coffin carried by family.
Seriously, without that list of wishes, my sisters would still be arguing!

Well I'm glad I started this thread. I feel so reassured. I didn't realise the funeral directors had so much input. When people actually list what I need to do it's not that much. I'm actually crying now. I'm a normal rational person but this has been in my head for a couple of years!

I think I might be able to talk to them about what they'd want. My dad has a wife so maybe she would be involved and know more.

I think it's also all the people and their expectations

I've never been to a funeral where the person organising it has had to do anything fancy. Where more has been done (guard of honour, ride out) then either the group offer it to the family and then just get on and organise it or the family say 'he'd have loved all the bikers to come out' and then a contact in that group make it happen.
As others have said though, funeral directors are so lovely and helpful that they will sort anything you want them to. My parents died in the early days of covid and though things were changing on an hourly basis the FD was incredible on walking me through what could be done and supporting me to make my own choices

I was wondering this because it does seem so irrational. What does it mean??

In my experience organising the funeral gives you something to focus on at a time when your thoughts are all over the place. There's something comforting in rituals at a difficult time.

But you really shouldn't be worrying about this. It's not a rational thing to be worried about. I hope you are ok.

I'm a funeral arranger OP and it's our job to take as much stress away from you as possible. During the initial arrangement I'll talk to the client about options and preferences and I'll be doing most of the organising - sorting the paperwork, booking a celebrant or minister, booking the music, booking the crematorium, organising the order of service, visual displays etc. We can give advice on places for the gathering (wake) afterwards.

Don't ever feel your first contact with a funeral director has to be once someone has died. If they're any good they will welcome you in for a casual chat to find out what they're about and what they do at time of need. We're really not scary places, and just regular people wanting to make your life as easy as possible at a very stressful time. I'd be happy for someone to knock on the door and ask if they can come in for a chat.