Aibu to ask that my niece gets a second opinion?

[Holidaygeek]

• she’s in her early 20s, diagnosed personality disorder and diagnosed complex trauma, resulting from abusive and toxic relationships
• she’s scared of the dark, cannot be left alone once it gets dark as she easily becomes overwhelmed, panicking thinking someone will break into the house and hurt her when she’s alone
• she also has possible dyspraxia (provisional on her GP ruling out other causes), her OT noticed poor core stability, low muscle tone, weak upper body strength (she also struggles to go out on her own in windy, icy or rainy conditions), low visual IQ but high verbal IQ for her age. OT noted she recognises she has vestibular issues and sensory differences too
• she also doesn’t know how to cook apart from making boiled egg and putting toast in the toaster. Her arms hurt a lot when I showed her how to make mince. She doesn’t remember recipes, she struggles with making sure the pan is centre on the hob and clearly struggles a lot with peeling veg, cutting meat, stirring the food she has to be supervised and prompted because she is slow and is getting confused, I noticed her hands and arms start to shake

DSIS told me it’s none of my business and she’ll grow out of it - she’s in her early 20s and still struggles!! AIBU to be concerned it is something more than dyspraxia? She struggles with art, her handwriting and sports too growing up. She doesn’t know how to style her hair either, she doesn’t know how to tie shoelaces, she doesn’t drink much unless prompted and if food isn’t made she just won’t eat
i have dropped food for her plenty of times when her mum hasn’t been able to cook due to hospital visits.
she tried to live independently because of family conflict but she was quite skinny and clearly wasn’t eating, lied about being able to make meals, but now she’s at home she does look healthier as her mum is feeding her. Her dad pays all the bills
She is fighting for help but nothing has been offered as of yet

anything I can do to help?

My sister is due to go in for an operation soon. WIBU to report a well-being concern to SS? I know she’ll be self neglecting - if she doesn’t like the texture and flavour of the food she won’t eat it which I know is sensory but I am concerned

There nothing SS will do for her.

You should drop food round as you usually do when DSis is in hospital.

Such a shame, I would have thought they’d be able to do something considering her vulnerability, not even a referral for supported living? She would die if it wasn’t for me or my sister and that’s no exaggeration.

She can apply for supported housing through the local council, OP. She’s over the 25 years age bracket so can’t apply for “young people” housing. There are housing associations who offer floating support, too. It’s a long haul to access these types of housing and a lot of paperwork etc but it can be done. A local housing charity would be your best bet to get any ball rolling. Plenty of back up from GP and OT from the sound of it: has she been referred to adult community team? They can help with a lot but again it needs a lot of legwork. If she would like supported housing and you’re able to be an advocate, it can be done.

Not sure what anyone or professional body can do to help without institutionalising her. The niece seems unable to look after herself. She cannot form healthy relationships. She's a vulnerable adult. I expect your sister just does not want her institutionalised while she can still look after her. What help do you think there is for your niece? The best you can do is discuss a support plan for now and if your sister and husband dies. But the service that can wash, clothe, feed an individual 24/7 in society, does not exist.

With all those diagnoses, it seems as though she is being followed by healthcare professionals, especially as you mention OT. Have you spoken with your sister? If sis is getting ready to be in the hospital soon, has she asked or gotten together with you about a plan to help with niece? In the US, there are assisted living facilities for those individuals who are disabled enough to not be able to take care of themselves but not so disabled they need to be hospitalized/institutionalized. They have a caretaker 24/7 and room with other disabled individuals. It can be costly for families though and most families can't afford this service (unless subsidized by the govt). Besides just being supportive, if your Dsis and husband say they have this under control, there's not much more you can do.