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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not unreasonable here am I?

48 replies

weirdas · 06/06/2023 21:55

So dh works full time, I work 10 hrs a week. Mon-Fri all house/kids/admin is my responsibility . Weekend we share it.

Today dh worked from home, I asked if he would walk dog before work so I could get some housework done. He agreed. He didn't wipe the dogs feet after the walk so the dog has walked mud across living room and kitchen. I'm irritated as I typically have to remind him to dry digs feet.

Fast forward to evening, I'm going out to my class, dh is putting kids to bed. I asked him after kids in bed to mop the floor to get rid of the mud. He looks annoyed but agrees. He has done it but now he's being off with me. My view is he made the mess he should clean it. Do you agree or shoul I have cleaned it with his hours.

OP posts:
stingypeasant · 07/06/2023 10:22

Macaroni46 · 06/06/2023 22:09

I think I'd have just cleaned it up. You asked him to walk the dog on a work day and he did it. WFH is still working. Yes, he was careless not to have wiped the dog's feet but dogs are messy.

Would you also clean up if he shat pop over the inside of the toilet bowl or dripped pee on the floor around the toilet? If he dropped food on the floor would you feel it's your job to clean it up? Being responsible for housework doesn't mean you are a slave

Macaroni46 · 07/06/2023 10:30

@stingypeasant
"Would you also clean up if he shat pop over the inside of the toilet bowl or dripped pee on the floor around the toilet? If he dropped food on the floor would you feel it's your job to clean it up? Being responsible for housework doesn't mean you are a slave."

Not a fair comparison. The examples you cite relate to activities he's done for himself ie you don't go to the toilet for someone else!

In this case, he was walking the dog on a day when he was working to help the OP out. Yes, he should've remembered to wipe the dog's paws but to make a big thing of it? No. Petty and unnecessarily combative.

AdobeWanKenobi · 07/06/2023 11:04

Loopyloo159 · 07/06/2023 10:04

I think telling husband ( or anyone ) to clear up a bit of mud hours later is treating him like a child . If I was him I would definitely be pissed off with the PA vibe .
FWIW my husband walks the dog every morning and occasionally there are muddy paw prints in hallway. I just get a floor wipe and do it in seconds if he has forgotten to do it .Am just glad I have time to do something else, rather than dog walking .

I think a bloke that can see a bit of mud and ignores it expecting the other person to pick clean it is acting like a child.

Cosyblankets · 07/06/2023 11:52

I would have just cleaned it. Takes 2 minutes

TheSnowyOwl · 07/06/2023 12:00

Didn’t you say your responsibility is everything during the week? Surely by default that means it’s you and you should be doing the dog walking as well. I’d just leave a towel by the front door and remind him about the dog’s feet.

LittleOwl153 · 07/06/2023 12:03

The first time this happened I cleaned it myself, and several times after that. I figured if he cleans it he might remember to wipe the dogs feet in the future.

This is exactly where I am at with my 9yr old DS currently. He makes a mess (pouring a drink for example) then he is called back to clean it up... I'm hoping it teaches him to respect his surroundings / those who look after him and will train him to be a better 'husband' when he gets to that stage!

Macaroni46 · 07/06/2023 12:27

Ok now I've read your update OP I can see why you're frustrated. It's not a one off.
What occurred to me (thinking of my own DP here), maybe the mud doesn't bother him?

Original poster
weirdas · 07/06/2023 12:33

Loopyloo159 · 07/06/2023 10:04

I think telling husband ( or anyone ) to clear up a bit of mud hours later is treating him like a child . If I was him I would definitely be pissed off with the PA vibe .
FWIW my husband walks the dog every morning and occasionally there are muddy paw prints in hallway. I just get a floor wipe and do it in seconds if he has forgotten to do it .Am just glad I have time to do something else, rather than dog walking .

This was across the dining room, living room, settee and kitchen

OP posts:
Original poster
weirdas · 07/06/2023 12:35

TheSnowyOwl · 07/06/2023 12:00

Didn’t you say your responsibility is everything during the week? Surely by default that means it’s you and you should be doing the dog walking as well. I’d just leave a towel by the front door and remind him about the dog’s feet.

I remind him regularly and the towels are by the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
weirdas · 07/06/2023 12:36

Macaroni46 · 07/06/2023 12:27

Ok now I've read your update OP I can see why you're frustrated. It's not a one off.
What occurred to me (thinking of my own DP here), maybe the mud doesn't bother him?

I don't think it does.

OP posts:
stingypeasant · 07/06/2023 15:33

I'm amazed at the people saying that as he was doing the OP a favour she should suck it up and clean the mess he made. When you agree to take on board a task you are responsible for that task and responsible for not adding extra problems from doing it. If you agree to do a favour and get the groceries and you crash your car would you expect the other person to pay for your car repair ? If you agree to empty the bin and the bag splits and leaves crap all over the floor, do you leave it because it's not your responsibility and you were doing a favour?

FakingMemories · 08/06/2023 02:54

I couldn’t get so worked up about something so trivial. Life’s too short.

Codlingmoths · 08/06/2023 03:33

I’m all for people fixing their own mistakes /tidying their mess. I remember my Dh going through a phase of putting nappies on sloppily with dc2- dc2 didn’t sleep much and pooed round the clock and they were leaking so he’d need a change. I was just doing it then I got mad and I would wake him at midnight to change the baby- why should I be up doing a full outfit change because he couldn’t be arsed to change a nappy properly?? Waking him up made him realise it was worth doing better.

in your case however there is a different standard. You need to talk to him, say I’ve realised it makes me unhappy to remind you to dry the dogs paws all the time, and I am not going to clean the floor up after you because you couldn’t be bothered doing that. What does this mean? That our floors are just filthy from now on? I should warn you that will make me pretty unhappy too- it’s pretty disrespectful of all the work I put in so we have a clean tidy house. But you don’t like me reminding you to clean the floor and I bloody well hate reminding you to; so what do you suggest? I’m ok with you saying I have to put up with it foe the day and you’ll do it at night, I’m very much not ok with you saying I couldn’t be arsed wiping the dogs paws so you need to clean up after me. You might just as well throw your dinner on the ground and say to me clean it up wench really. Can we talk tomorrow and you tell me a solution that is fair to both of us?

GracePalmer33 · 08/06/2023 03:54

DH should have cleaned the mud. It is so entitled to do that and just leave it to potentially get trampled in. Why should you expect your partner to be down on their hands and knees scrubbing carpets because of you? Outrageous.

The dog is my husbands responsibility - she was his before we met and I do him a favour sometimes and walk her when he is busy and I wouldn't dream of leaving mud about the place afterwards and expect him to clean it, so I don't expect him to do it. And if he does he can clean it up when he has a spare 5 minutes from work if needs be.

I hate the idea that just because someone is responsible for the majority of housework then it's fine for the other to just go about the house throwing things around, leaving things out and not even trying to keep clean and tidy because they know the other one will follow them around clean it up after them. Nope. My husband can fall into doing this and I remind him that just because I take on the majority of the housework doesn't mean he never has to clean up after himself ever or pay attention to what he's doing. He's a grown adult.

To the Posters saying OP should have cleaned up the mud: If DH spilt a carton of milk all over the floor making his breakfast we'd expect them to clean it up and not just start work and leave it there for their wife to deal with, right??? If not then that is outrageous.

Original poster
weirdas · 08/06/2023 03:58

@GracePalmer33 @Codlingmoths
Great replies thank you I'll take this on board. I probably do need to talk to him as he is still being off with me.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteKindOfBalloon · 08/06/2023 04:03

How many kids and how old?

Sounds like if all house/dog/ kids is your responsibility during the week to make up for the disparity in hours, then he's done you two favours (dog walk and bedtime) so you might think to cut a little slack?

It depends on your set up allowing equal hours of free time though. What were you in and out doing all day? Do you do 30 hours of house/kid/dog stuff in the week, every week to make up the difference in work hours?

Original poster
weirdas · 08/06/2023 05:49

MyFavouriteKindOfBalloon · 08/06/2023 04:03

How many kids and how old?

Sounds like if all house/dog/ kids is your responsibility during the week to make up for the disparity in hours, then he's done you two favours (dog walk and bedtime) so you might think to cut a little slack?

It depends on your set up allowing equal hours of free time though. What were you in and out doing all day? Do you do 30 hours of house/kid/dog stuff in the week, every week to make up the difference in work hours?

Set up is fine. We have 3 kids and a lab so I'm kept busy. Kids are all at school but two have Sen (as do I), I can't work more hours due to their need. I'm happy to do lions share as dh has stressful job and would struggle (mentally) to do more . At weekends we are a team and share tge load. We both get ops for down time. I just object to cleaning a mess dh created. When I've repeatedly asked him not to. He also makes his breakfast and lunch at night after I've done pots so there's often a pile of pots in the sink for me to do the next day. But I accept it's his only opportunity to do his breakfast and lunch and he doesn't want to start washing pots at 8pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
weirdas · 08/06/2023 08:26

UPDATE

Today dh walked dog. (He has to due to my working hours) he wiped the dogs feet when he got in!! I mean he did walk him through the hall, kitchen and dining room to do it (towels live in hall) but small steps.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 08/06/2023 08:47

You sound so controlling. Being a wife is not being a teacher. It sounds like he pulls more than his normal share of work when at least 3 days out if 5, you are home and no direct responsibility.

You made a mountain out of a molehill. So what that you might have to clean up the floor which would take 2 minutes at most.

I agree that it is not surprising divorce rates are so high when partners are reduced to score keeping like that.

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 08:58

Good to hear, OP. This is why it’s not ‘petty’ to leave the mess he made for him to clean himself.

If you had cleaned it that day, you would still
be cleaning it.

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 09:00

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2023 08:47

You sound so controlling. Being a wife is not being a teacher. It sounds like he pulls more than his normal share of work when at least 3 days out if 5, you are home and no direct responsibility.

You made a mountain out of a molehill. So what that you might have to clean up the floor which would take 2 minutes at most.

I agree that it is not surprising divorce rates are so high when partners are reduced to score keeping like that.

Why do you think it’s OP’s job to clean up after him?

AdobeWanKenobi · 08/06/2023 15:40

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2023 08:47

You sound so controlling. Being a wife is not being a teacher. It sounds like he pulls more than his normal share of work when at least 3 days out if 5, you are home and no direct responsibility.

You made a mountain out of a molehill. So what that you might have to clean up the floor which would take 2 minutes at most.

I agree that it is not surprising divorce rates are so high when partners are reduced to score keeping like that.

Expecting a grown arsed adult to clean up his own mess = controlling?
made me laugh that. Well done.

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