Do you have a morning routine or just wing it?

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DP refuses to stick to any morning routine. I need routine to start the day not feeling frazzled.

Context is 3 DC, 2 are school age. DP works full time 9-5, I am SAHM and full time carer to one of the disabled DC. I'm asking for 10 mins to shower and get dressed before taking over with all DC for the rest of the day. DP just wants to get himself sorted and go to work ASAP.

YABU- just get up and get on with whatever needs doing

YANBU - routine is important so everyone knows what they're doing when

Doesn't sound like routine vs no routine is the issue.

I also don't think getting 10 minutes to shower in a morning is the issue (you could shower at night).

Is suspect this is the issue:
DP just wants to get himself sorted and go to work ASAP.

We do have a loose routine in a morning. In the sense we both know all the things that need to happen to get everyone out of the door on time, and we know the logical order it all needs to happen in.

But the big thing is that my DH does 50% of the child readying - no question. And if either of us want to do anything 'extra' that isn't part of our normal morning routine then we have to get up earlier to account for it.

@Curiosity101
Even if I don't shower, I still need a few mins to pee and get dressed to a suitable level to be able to do school runs.
Disabled DC requires constant supervision as soon as they're up, dp is often late home from work so misses out on bedtimes.
I'm just asking for a few mins to myself in the morning.

Like the PP I don't think that this is a routine issue. You could get time to get yourself in a rigid 'every morning between 6.45 and 7am' way or in a much looser '15 minutes whenever it fits' way, that doesn't seem to much matter (though personally I find the former much easier to do and maintain). The point is that you need the time to get ready, it's essential and so your DP should be allowing for that in his own morning in one way or another.

Can you sit down and talk about it? Meet in the middle about some sort of routine?
With three kids I would say you need some kind of morning routine. Your partner needs to help out too.

Your partner is being unreasonable for being a selfish git, both ends of the day. A lack of routine is not your problem here!

I have a routine on work days but my dcs are late teens.

the issue you have from your description is that your dp is at best inconsiderate. It’s really not a routine issue.

how is communication between you? Is he able to identify why he is not prepared to care for his dc for a few minutes before work? what a luxury for a parent of 3 dc to only focus on their personal needs before work.

Yeah agree this isn’t a routine issue and YANBU to want time to yourself to shower! Is he actually refusing to be in charge of the 3 DC for 10 minutes?

@goodkidsmaadhouse yup. He literally focuses on himself and the kids cause chaos, leaving me to clean up nappies they've pulled off/whatever one particular DC has sprinkled/ripped up all over the floor- if there isn't anything he can rip he'll pull the flooring up. Chaos.

Agree with the other posts that it doesn't sound like routine or lack of is the issue.

In a similar situation here, SAHM to 3 including 1 with a disability. To be honest I don't ask my husband to do anything in the mornings, he just gets himself up and ready and goes to work. If he started helping with the kids he'd be late.

I time my shower so that it's done before the kids get up. If that doesn't happen for whatever reason then it has to wait until kids are gone to school.

Sorry, just to add to my previous post, my DH gets in to work early so that he gets home early and from them on he is fully present with the kids. I appreciate that your situation is different in that your DH is late home in the evening as well as being gone early. I don't mind doing everything in the morning as I know I'll have support for the evening.

I understand where you're coming from. I am being treated this way by my husband while I'm on maternity leave. I found expecting help just made things worse for me. I reprogrammed myself to think I don't need his help. How can you do this without him? If it's not possible can you get a mother's helper? Someone you pay to come and help you for an hour each morning. I went on a website and found a babysitter who lives on my road and she helps me in the morning when I need it. It's £13 for an hour in the morning well spent. It's worth it for my health and sanity.

I’m sorry but this is madness @Sunsetred and OP. This is your husband. The father of your children that he was equally responsible for creating. You shouldn’t be having to pay for help!

(Also a Mum to 3 here OP. No disabilities so my morning is no doubt easier than yours anyway. DH works 8.30 - 6.30. In the morning he does half of whatever’s needed - unloading/reloading dishwasher, getting the smallest person dressed, sorting breakfasts, wiping down the kitchen, putting on laundry… etc.

We all need to be out the house by 8. I do it alone when he’s travelling for work but I absolutely do not and should not when he is here.)

@goodkidsmaadhouse I completely agree it's madness. However, for whatever reason the OP is staying with her DH and needs a solution. My DH wasn't always like this, it's only since letting his mother into our home more regularly that she's filled his head with all this old fashioned nonsense.