Been played in my 30s and it feels shit… advice??

[Fucksssss]

We met, text and spoke on the phone throughout the day. He invited me to meet his friends and I hung out with his brother. He said I was a “good soul” and had “a lot of love to give”

Okay so maybe 2 weeks after we first slept together I asked him if he was seeing/sleeping with anyone else. He said no. I then told him that I would walk away if he wanted to sleep with anyone else because I don’t do non exclusive sex. He said he understood.

We also agreed to using no condoms (well I agreed off the back of the conversation we had).

I’ve had doubts throughout the dating phase about him acting honestly, small things like lying where he was, he cancelled plans once to go on a night out (and then started a massive argument when I said it was poor behavior) and he sneaks off sometimes with his phone (I caught him in the toilet recently sending a voicenote, when he usually just sends voice notes to his mates in front of me)

I had a gut feeling but all my friends were saying he seemed really into me, consistently contacted me, wanted to meet multiple times a week, called me when he was on nights out and introduced me to all his friends. I thought it was going somewhere.

Yesterday there was tinder and hinge notifications on his phone.

First he said he didn’t use it, and notifications don’t mean anything.

Then he said he did use it, but in the same way as Instagram, and if he went through my phone he’d find men in my DMs giving me attention.

Then he said if the roles were reversed he “wouldn’t care cus it’s none of his business”

Then he said we never had a chat about exclusivity.

Then he said he does remember the chat but thought it was just my preference, eg that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone else.

Then he said he understood what I meant by the chat, and he should have said he was going to sleep with other people, because he wants to go out on nights out and not feel bad if he is tempted.

He told me to get off my high horse, lose the attitude, that I “won” and he was a villain

He said he was speaking to other people but hadn’t slept with anyone since he started sleeping with me.

This argument went on a while. He then tried to hug and kiss me and stop me from leaving his flat. When I left he messaged me but I ignored it. He then messaged the next day saying “I guess I should say have a nice life or something”

I feel like I’m being made out to be totally unreasonable but I really don’t understand why. Any insights on what has happened would be good and what I can do from here. I don’t plan on seeing him again

I’m 33, and I just feel like I keep wasting my time with people who seem nice at first

Tooooooooo muuuuucccccchhhhhh draaaaaaaaaammmmaaaaaa

My advice… go have fun, meet men, have sex, go on dates. Don’t expect anything, don’t look for your soulmate, don’t expect commitment, don’t put pressure on them or you. If you sniff drama, bad feelings, upset in either of you run away.

If after 3 months you and guy are still into each other then talk about exclusiveness. Anything before that is premature in my opinion.

I can’t see that any of your behaviour was unreasonable.

If a friend explained this situation to you and invited your comment I’m guessing you might remark that she’d had a lucky escape that she’d found out what he was like reasonably quickly into the ‘relationship’.

I’m exhausted just reading that. If me and DH ever split, I think I’d just stay single.

He sounds like a fuckboy. You are well rid. Be glad you only wasted a few weeks on him. Imagine years of his fuckwittery.

YOu have jumped the gun here OP. Don’t dive in so deep so early. And DON’T stop using condoms after 2 bloody weeks - you don’t know a person 2 weeks after you start sleeping with them, and when you do know them you both need to have an STD test before you dump condoms.

The whole thing comes over as quite teenage, so if you keep getting yourself into this sort of place, a short course of counselling might be a good way to unpick the thoughts behind that.

This.

All the best op

Trust your gut much sooner. It's your best defence against this sort of fuckery. Little bits and pieces are all explainable away individually but soon build a picture, especially any lies or examples of obfuscation. They may be minor but someone's relationship with the truth is very telling. Don't ignore it.

I'd also say don't augment the intimacy being built in a new relationship from spending time together with loads of time on the phone or messaging. Not saying ignore each other between dates but words are cheap. You need to rely on what you see in real life.

I preferred to agree exclusivity before having sex if I liked someone (including DP). I found it was just easier that way. On and don't stop using condoms until you've both been tested. You can get postal tests now.

Sorry for you. It's an awful feeling.

I would go and get an STI check asap. Always always use condoms, your health is too important. When OLD I had a rule re contraception that I trusted no one except myself. If the relationship works out then great, get tested together etc but until then, I carried my own condoms and insisted that they were used.

I think some PPs have been a bit smug and judgemental. You're laying out months of activity in a few paragraphs...of course it's going to look 'dramatic' so condensed.

Condolences OP, you have been played and I know it must feel so shit because you aren't super young and naive and he's used a bog standard denial/gaslighting technique. But it's a classic technique because it works. Especially on decent people like yourself who would never contemplate promising something you had zero intention of delivering or denying the reality of the discussions you were both there for.

I once had someone I know hit on me but I told him I didn't sleep with people I wasn't going out with/committed to. He made repeated romantic plays for me until we agreed we were together, had sex and literally straight after said it's great we can be just mates and have a bit of fun then left!

You can't ever be 100% sure (even after years of marriage, believe me!!). Just know you didn't do anything wrong except trust them. I don't do that anymore - sick of the constant let downs. But if you do want to try, just keep learning from experience. So sorry.

Get yourself a copy of the rules. You can weed these types out far early with far less heartache and disappointment. He’d have been gone the minute he cancelled plans if it were me. Women ignore and excuse too much shoddy behaviour.

He sounds like a twat. Trust your instincts, don't give them any wriggle room - if they lie, get rid.

YANBU

He sounds like a user. He knew what he wanted and it didn't match what you wanted but he lied to get what he wanted.

You deserve better, block and move on and don't look back. However, get a STI check though.

Good luck.

YANBU. What a prick. Lucky escape. Stop listening to other people. Trust your own gut.

As I say to my very young daughter “when there is trouble you always have the option to not become involved by walking away”.

I wouldn't change a thing you did other than please stick to condoms a while longer. You were perfect, he was a fucking loon. Onwards and upwards.

He sounds demented OP. I’m sure in a week or two you’ll look back on this and think phew what a lucky escape!

sadly when you’re dating lots and lots of people are fucking mental. And you have to have a thick skin. Also try not to get too invested too soon. Have fun and see how it goes.

Condoms, condoms, condoms.
How do you know he isn't riddled?

Are you the guy she was seeing? If not, you sound perfect for him.

He's a user. The gaslighting is also a sign of narcissistic personality. If it had gone further he would have cheated on you and then blamed and shamed you for a negative reaction to it.

Very very lucky escape.

YANBU at all. He’s not the kind of guy that you want. It sounds like he blatantly lied so even if you had the exclusive conversation earlier, he would have just lied.

Block and delete.

Nope not the guy… just someone that recognizes too much too soon. There should not be arguments in the first days of dating.

To be fair, I don’t think the OP did anything wrong if those were her dealbreakers around sex. She gets to set her own rules. But After 2 weeks looking any type of exclusivity is not really going to end well. That’s way too soon to be having those discussions. I’m also not saying that the OP should hop into bed with every guy she meets. At two weeks nobody should be committing to anyone 😲

So maybe holding off on sex if you are going to enforce your rule or ease up on the rule. Whatever she’s most comfortable with.