Handhold needed

[violinviolet]

I write this in tears. Today my daughter aged 11 told me I was a rubbish mum, that I work too much, don't spend anytime with her and shout.
I'm not perfect but this was so upsetting
I've worked 28 hours out of the last 48 hours. I'm exhausted and this has pushed me over the edge for today.
I adore my kids I don't work 50 hours a week out of choice I do it out of necessity to help provide.
Having a right pity party tonight.

14 hour days is a LOT. Are you paid hourly?

I know it won’t make you feel better, but you are obviously doing something right as she knows she can kick off and it’s a safe place. We work we are stretched, but all we can do is our best and it sounds like you are. Just a bad day?

@GoodChat yes hourly I work 8am until 10pm half an hour to drive home by the time I sleep it's midnight and up at half six again for another day

Jesus you must be exhausted!
How many days a week do you work?

Did you have any time off over half term?

@Stardustkid yeah I think. On a day off today but im so tired. It hurts...I then worry if I have been a shit parent and if they are unhappy

@GoodChat used to do 60 hours however end of April I was in intensive care with sepsis. I couldn't afford to take more then two weeks as only get stat sick pay.
I now work 45 hours a week. I think I'm still recovering from being so unwell

Last week I worked over 50...after returning was 45 gradually creeping up more

Is her dad around or someone who can give you a break?

Could you take some annual leave and spend one weekend a month with her if you have, say, a friday off to recuperate?

Kids say hurtful things, find some time to spend with her, it might not be as much as she wants but it's quality not quantity. At a similar age my mum worked full time and studied full time, it happens and I'm so glad she worked so hard for her and all of us.

Unfortunately I work in healthcare so I work shift patterns. Her Dad is supportive but she favours him as he lets her do what she wants and I have boundaries. I do have AL end of June to spend with her

@violinviolet I work similar hours. I had meningitis and had to return after 2 weeks due to being on SSP only. It took me nearly 2 years to get better, and in the meantime they found anaemia and hypothyroidism.

Please, please look after yourself the best you can. Unfortunately 11 year old don't understand. They will, one day.

My teen dd ranted we were skint because I didn't work enough. I got another job and she has to do more chores for her pocket money now I am in less ! Bet she has regrets! Don't are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't...

That's a lot of work! I feel for you, especially after you've had health problems. Would you be entitled to any benefits if you cut down your working hours at all while you recuperate?

If you ring your local council, they can put you in touch with someone to do a full benefits check for you.

She’s 11. She is just a normal self-orientated child who doesn’t know (and can’t be expected to know) the sacrifice and won’t until she is older and maybe in a similar situation. It’s not entirely her fault.

Her feedback, although you’ve taken it very personally and defensively, is a backhanded compliment and because she’s comfortable enough to communicate that to you, you have a golden opportunity to act on it.

Instead of instantly crumbling into self-flagellation, ask her how she’d like you to live and explain the consequences of that (less money, smaller house, no treats). Reassure her that you love her and want to hang out more - ‘how can we make that happen?’

Just talk to her and shoot the breeze with her over a hot chocolate or a maccies now and then. That’s often all older kids and teenagers want - a regular and supportive check-in with parents.

I'm guessing you're not NHS if you only got SSP?

If you are, speak to occupational health.

She is probably worried that you work long hours and might make yourselves I’ll as you have been so Seriously ill in the past . But as she’s scared she’s lashing out ?

Take comfort from the fact she sees you as her safe person, therefore she feels she can vent in front of you. Could you take some annual leave or ask to reduce your hours? I was pushed to my limit with work, studying, my daughter school refusing * ( through anxiety) earlier on this year and became very unwell as a result. Please look after yourself and hope you get some respite soon

Thank you everyone for the lovely words and good suggestions
I need to take this on board- her feelings are very valid and I need to spend more time with her.
No not NHS sadly. I am not fully recovered at all from the sepsis the fatigue is crippling but I can't work out if this is work and post sepsis fatigue. I know me being so unwell must have been terrifying for her

I empathise with you. Only just last month my daughter was swearing at me at the top of her voice and saying she hates me! She's seen an ambulance be called twice for me since start of April. I collapsed and was out of it for 15 mins. My other 2 children reacted differently ( son is 18 though and not a moody teenager anymore!). My daughter is 12 and dealing with puberty etc aswell. Take care xx

@violinviolet pls go back to GP and get checked.

If you can't I have a private gp with my life insurance family can use. I am happy for you to be my 'sister' to get checked x