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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Were my parents neglectful

24 replies

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 16:19

My parents kind of had two families, four children, then a large gap then me. They really didn’t want to parent me, didn’t want my friends at the house, (all other brothers and sisters did have friends) but I suppose by the time I was at that age they’d gone past want other children about.

no parties, not taken to the park, all been fine before and no real interest in me.

my father would take me to the pub with him, it was a very “male” pub, not sure why he did it. He used to get totally drunk. I was the “responsible” on. I was aged 13 at the time.

Well, hardly surprisingly I was groomed by one of the pub users, coming up to my 14th birthday, he convinced me to meet him and a “relationship” starred. He was twice my age, married with a child. I was a very young 14 (remembering was literally 14 + 1 day. I thought he was going to love me, give me my much craved attention and look after me. 🙄

it’s had an effect my entire life, that my parents were not acting responsibly, my father didn’t spot anything, because he was drunk. My mother should’ve not allowed me to go to a place not suitable for children (I believe I was a child?), with essentially an alcoholic. But she just wanted me out from under her feet?

YANBU - the parenting was not sufficient
YABU - you should’ve known right from wrong and not met up with the man

OP posts:
GeriKellmansUpdo · 06/06/2023 16:20

Yes, they absolutely were neglectful. Even if he didn't take you to the pub, he was neglectful in getting drunk often.

Weallgottachangesometime · 06/06/2023 16:23

Yep.
Not having friends over is less of an issue. What is more of an issue is treating you like a burden and prioritising their own wants/needs over yours.

sounds very tough.
we’re you close with your siblings?

drpet49 · 06/06/2023 16:25

You shouldn’t even be questioning this OP. Of course it was child abuse and neglectful.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 06/06/2023 16:25

Giving children enough attention is hard, which is why I had only two. You should have been taken to the park- at least occasionally- and been able to have friends over- at least occcasionally unless there was a good reason-and your mother should have noticed that you were running around with a grown man when you were 14! Of course you were a child at 14.

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 16:26

Thank you all so much.

it was wrong wasn’t it! I’d never had done this with my children.

OP posts:
SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 16:27

I’m in tears, I’ve bottled this up for so long.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 06/06/2023 16:27

That's terrible...so sorry you went through that. You did nothing wrong

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 16:28

GeriKellmansUpdo · 06/06/2023 16:25

Giving children enough attention is hard, which is why I had only two. You should have been taken to the park- at least occasionally- and been able to have friends over- at least occcasionally unless there was a good reason-and your mother should have noticed that you were running around with a grown man when you were 14! Of course you were a child at 14.

I only had two and choose to have them very close together, I was paranoid about a large gap. DH had a vasectomy very swiftly after number 2.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 06/06/2023 16:29

Sounds like they did the bare minimum of keeping you feed and clothed but fail to make you feel wanted or keep you safe from harm. You have every right to feel upset and resentful

GeriKellmansUpdo · 06/06/2023 16:44

I am not big on therapy, but in this case therapy might help if you can get any. At least to let it all out. Or journalling. You are certainly justified in feeling very sad about it.

MN has been an eye opener for me in how many people have really neglectful parents. My parents were quite strict and old-fashioned in some ways, but they did the best they could and I was never in any doubt that I was their top priority at all times.

FlickFlackTrap · 06/06/2023 16:48

YADNBU OP 💐

Of course you turned to this man looking for things your parents never gave you. It wasn’t your fault.

I hope you find some peace.

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 16:50

FlickFlackTrap · 06/06/2023 16:48

YADNBU OP 💐

Of course you turned to this man looking for things your parents never gave you. It wasn’t your fault.

I hope you find some peace.

This has resonated so much.

OP posts:
QueenImprov · 06/06/2023 16:50

I'm so sorry you went through that growing up, you deserved better.

Conkersinautumn · 06/06/2023 16:53

You were seeking out a security they neglected to provide, you were made vulnerable by their failure to protect you.

Bluebells75 · 06/06/2023 16:55

100% neglectful.
I'm sorry this was your childhood OP 😔

dottiedodah · 06/06/2023 17:01

They were being neglectful Im afraid.You should absolutely have been looked after by them.At 14 you were still a young girl ,and well under the age of consent.They sound like they couldnt be bothered TBH. Are you still in contact with them .Sounds like therapy would help you a lot.How do you get on with siblings ,maybe their childhood wasnt as great as you think .Most parents would be keeping an eye out

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 17:03

dottiedodah · 06/06/2023 17:01

They were being neglectful Im afraid.You should absolutely have been looked after by them.At 14 you were still a young girl ,and well under the age of consent.They sound like they couldnt be bothered TBH. Are you still in contact with them .Sounds like therapy would help you a lot.How do you get on with siblings ,maybe their childhood wasnt as great as you think .Most parents would be keeping an eye out

They’ve both died now, my siblings are a close unit, but I’m on the outside. Although I did have a lot to do with the care of two siblings that died.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 06/06/2023 17:04

Parents totally neglectful. This isn't on you.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 06/06/2023 17:09

Gosh, you lost siblings as well? What a hard life. I would get counselling.

SamphireSandwich · 06/06/2023 21:48

It’s bizarre, I blame my mum more than my dad! Although I believe he was more neglectful. I suppose it’s because I’m a mum and therefore I think how I would’ve acted, but I don’t know how a dad would act?

OP posts:
PleaseYourselfandEatTheCrusts · 07/06/2023 13:58

Yes they were neglectful. I am sorry you went through this. Flowers

lilila · 07/06/2023 14:22

I'm so sorry you have gone through this, you deserve love and compassion, not what you have endured
I really recommend some therapy for whst you have experienced, and start to heal. Sending love xxx

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2023 14:58

One of the reasons child abusers succeed in grooming kids is that they're the first person to act like they give a crap.

SamphireSandwich · 07/06/2023 18:11

This is true I think

OP posts:
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