Potential DARVO and confused

[DARVOsurvivoradvice]

Please can someone tell me if they have been a victim of DARVO
did you find your self change, but not in a more ‘ traditional way’ way such as less confrontational or more submissive?

I think I am in a DARVO relationship and it has made me
fuming ….
I Say things I never would ,
feel like I’m going to explode,
dropped a plate out of pure ‘ give up’ ( not threw)
send vile texts
tell husband he’s vile, gross, immature , incompetent ect
Cry constantly
have panic attacks
scream and shout
feel like I’m going mad
feel desperate to leave then desperate to stay
feel so so so angry in confrontations

please don’t judge if you can help it ….
it’s taken 13 years of my Patience to get to this point ….

I have been put forwards for three women’s aid groups . I have declined currently as I am concerned they may think that if I get angry then I can’t be a victim ( don’t like that word) as it’s more of an experience because I keep bringing to husbands attention what he does is not ok

No one on here can possibly tell you whether the relationship has followed the DARVO pattern. But the way you are feeling and your responses are not normal and it sounds like you need to get out and get help.

I don't know if I'm being Davo'd but I know I respond out of character with him. Nothing I say or do stops me from being overly angry. I've reached the point that if he isn't the abusive one then I still need to leave as the relationship is toxic.

Contact the womens aid groups, say you don't know what is happening but its toxic anyway and let them figure it out. They will still help you if you are trapped.

Thank you.

Your responses / feelings are totally normal. Those not in this type of relationship haven’t got a clue… My DH incites terrible behaviour in me. I hate it. I’ve only heard of DARVO recently, as well.

honestly I shout , and cry and cry and cry I literally become so distressed

I was in a relationship (15yrs ended 18mos ago). Where I was, with retrospect in a DARVO relationship, with immense gas lighting.

I was constantly told what a 'nut case' I was and how I had such an 'aggressive and confrontational temper'

FWIW I haven't lost my temper since I stopped contact with him.

We would always argue about what I believed to be his poor behaviour and treatment of me. It would always come back to his treatment of me, was because I was mad, but I only became angry as a result of the bad behaviour, so how could it be responsible. Which came first?!

Even when I found out about his affair, he justified it, because I was unloveable and what did I expect?

Looking back, my head was always spinning and i was always in edge when subconsciously, I became alert to patterns.

There was huge gaslighting, in my case it comes hand in hand. I still to this day, question my sanity

I’m so sorry…. Mine is more subtle but I don’t recognise myself anymore when I call him out on something ‘ wrong’ ( I would have previous today said ‘ when WE get in an argument ‘ but I defo know it’s very much linked to him and his reaction to perceived criticism )

Look up reactive abuse. Dario comes into it. Regardless please leave.

Perceived criticism. It’s a huge part of the problem. Can’t say anything to my DH, he takes up a “tone” or a “face” the wrong way…

Oh gosh really ? This is all so knew to me I’m struggling to get my head around it all…. It’s like my eyes are open and now I can’t un see it

Do they have to do it all for it to be Darvo?

OP, No absolutely they don't have to do it it all
It's a pattern and strategy
He'll focus on your vulnerabilities and use those

Ah well it seems my weakness therefore is … that I am obviously don’t manage being told that I didn’t hear it right/ I’ve got it wrong …. Or that my feelings are too ‘ intense’ … the weirdest bit is when I cry and he cries….

Just to make it clear, as a pp seemed not to get it, when I wrote your responses are not normal, I mean exactly that; ie: it's not normal to be living with that dynamic, to be constantly crying/ angry/shouting/panicking.
It is not normal, and it's not right that you should be feeling like this, but perhaps after 13 years it's become normalised to you.

Whether you're a victim of DARVO or not (which none of us know because we're not living in your shoes) this is not a healthy normal dynamic and the best thing will be for you to leave.

Any one familiar with being told
“ people wouldn’t believe the way you speak to me “ ( after being - what now seems- ridiculously gas lit)

OP if you can, safely acquire a book called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft
Good luck OP
I'm sending you strength

"why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is available as a free PDF online. Just make sure you go incognito and erase your history if he has access to your device.

I got told he would tell people I have a mental health problem, took drugs and would get full custody. Its all to control you.

I sometimes have a laugh to myself at how my DH would frame it if we actually divorced. I honestly don’t give a shit want he tells them!

I’m not sure it’s helpful to get hung up on whether a specific behaviour is involved OP.

Better to acknowledge this relationship is shit. It’s causing you distress and deep unhappiness. There’s nothing to gain by apportioning blame, just get out.

When you have recovered, it may be useful at that point to reflect on what went wrong, but focussing on that now is just delaying the inevitable.

Op i was in this type of relationship twice and it very nearly cost me my sanity! I genuinely thought I wasn't a victim because I fought back but i have had lots of therapy and can now see it for what it was! Please just leave, its really not worth it!