How to talk to dh about being an arse

[schnitzelvoncrum25]

Dh and I are under a lot of pressure at the moment. We have a toddler who doesn't sleep, lots of issues going wrong in our home and consequent money worries. Life is a slog right now. But dh has turned into a real arse. He's snappy, short tempered and sometimes quite unpleasant to be around. I'm sick of being told to fuck off willy nilly and of him sulking when he's pulled up on his behaviour.

He is a good man. I see that a lot on MN but he genuinely is. We are both just under pressure at the moment. I'll admit there have been times when I've lost my rag too but with him it seems more of a constant mood change. I need to find a way to talk to him about how his behaviour is affecting me without him getting defensive.

The other morning we'd had a terrible night with dd and then there was a bit of a plumbing disaster in the house and he just completely lost it. Shouting and swearing (not around dd) and so nasty that I asked him to leave for a bit to cool off. He's never been like this before and I know the stress and sleep deprivation is getting to him but it's becoming unbearable to live with. Any advice?

Oh this is tough. Everyone becomes a bit more grumpy when they’re tired or stressed. Telling you to F off though seems quite extreme to me and is a bit more than just being grumpy.

I think wait until you have a nice day and then in a quiet moment approach the issue with him. It’s often much easier to talk about an issue when you are in a good place, rather than immediately after or during an argument. Possibly start by saying “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed more stressed lately….etc” As a way to open to conversation in a non confrontational way. I do think you need to express to him though how unacceptable it is for him to swear at you like that and maybe express that it is not something you can continue to live with.

The hope would be you could find a way to manage the situation that is causing the underlying stress and a more acceptable way for him to manage his feelings. My DH has started the gym in the last year and it has had a massive impact on his mood. To the extent I prioritise it with him, like I would if it was a medical appointment or therapy.

Is he quite open to talking about feelings etc?

Do you have anyone you can leave DC with and just the 2 of you go out to have a chat about it all? Go somewhere neutral and public so that you both have to be civil.

I must admit when I'm stressed I can properly kick off, so I think it's natural now and again. You need to talk, but somewhere neutral.

Sounds really tough. If I ever need to have a difficult conversation I plan it for after a meal so no one is hangry. Another tip is to frame it like 'when you do x it makes me feel x' so it's less of a personal criticism. Plus what pp said.