To wish people would understand it’s not that easy?

[lonerlee]

I’m 30, single virgin and childless. All of my friends are on babies 2+ and I desperately wish I could be too. When I say how lovely it is they have children/wish I was in their position everyone tells me it’s ‘so easy’ to find a partner. I never even had a primary school boyfriend. Never had my first kiss, never held hands, even.

I know I’m still young (as everyone reminds me) but realistically I’ve 10 years maximum, and my family history doesn't suggest it’ll be easy going. Either way, I just don’t know what to do. I’m not that fussed about finding a partner (not that I can even achieve that simple step) but I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I’m worried it’ll never ever happen.

If you really aren't that fussed about a partner, you could go it alone?

Either through a sperm bank or through adoption?
Single women can adopt in some cases.

I guess it depends on how much you want to do that.

Right well then if you're certain, why do you need to wait for a partner who may or may not happen along, who nay or may not want kids and be a good dad? If your finances and a support network is in place, look into sperm donation and go it alone. BUT do your research first. Look at costs of childcare, maternity entitlement, your employer's policies and general attitude to parents in the workplace? Alternatively, embrace the freedom and autonomy that being child free gives you. Envy / comparison to others never ever ends well.

A friend of mine does not have your relationship history but she did decide to become a mother and remain single, she decided leaving her future goal of motherhood to the chance of her finding a stable partner just wasn't for her. She is a very determined and practical person. She decided at 35 to go ahead and is now a mother of one small boy, she's very happy. I realise you may have a different goal in mind, but your relationship status isn't necessarily a barrier.
I do hope you find your happy!

Have you ever tried meeting someone ? Is that something you would like to do?

It is so hard to find someone and I was 26 when I met my husband first ever boyfriend and I married him and have 2 kids. Before I met him I just could
not understand how other people manage to get into relationships. Tbh I still don’t know why I was single for so long. But I hear you, it’s a horrible situation to be in xx

You have choices
Do nothing

Go it alone

Or find a partner, OLD, bit of fun, but with a serious edge.
It might seem a bit cold to be going through profiles looking for husband material. It's a bit like CVs funding the right people. But essentially you are looking for the right man to fill the gap.

I’d make sure I could afford a child, then look for a sperm donor.

You’re likely wrong to think that you’ll have 10 years maximum at age 30.
Are you making any effort to meet a partner? Do people approach you?

If having a child is your priority, rather than a partner, then work out the financial side and go it alone.

Never been approached— ever! Thought that was something that happened in films until a couple of years ago. I did make an OLD profile at one point but I must admit I didn’t stick to it for more than a day— it just seems to strange!

I am seriously considering going it alone, I just wish I wouldn’t have to. But maybe that is the right option now.

What do you mean by your family history suggesting it’s not that easy?

What have you done to try to find a relationship? Assuming you would rather raise a child in the context of one, that is.

It sounds to me as if you’re leaping ahead in your head to babies and partners, but that starts with a first date, or starting hobbies that bring you into contact with other people.

I also think you’re exaggerating how ‘far behind’ you are. A primary school boyfriend really isn’t some kind of achievement, and if you want to kiss someone or lose your virginity to get that part done, it’s not going to be difficult. I lost my own virginity in the spirit of ‘getting it done’ with someone experienced I knew I would never see again.

I think going it alone deliberately is unfair on the child and unethical. With no relationship history you would also be going from zero experience to motherhood with no in between - you’d be in for one hell of a shock if a baby came along right away.

Why don’t you sign up for some of the “nicer” online dating sites like Bumble? The woman makes the first move so you don’t get spammed by men in your DM’s. You can browse the profiles at your leisure and see if it’s for you.

There are plenty of men out there with no relationship experience either. Local churches would be a good place to look if you’re at all religious.

Are you putting yourself out there op? Approaching people or being active on online dating? If a relationship is something you want I think you might need to do that.

If your priority is having a child, then maybe plan how to do it alone. Talk to some fertility clinics about sperm donation etc, think about how you’d manage financially etc.

if you do go down the baby alone route it might then be harder to potentially meet a partner just due to practicalities of caring for a child. But sounds like your priority is a child?

I think it is very unusual to never even have held hands if romance is something you are not actively against. Do you have other kinds of emotional intimacy in your life? Like family/friends who talk to you about personal issues they wouldn't talk about in a group setting? Is it a general block on intimacy, or just romance?

If you can afford it, maybe explore this in therapy.

I don’t have as many as I once did, but yes family and friends who I am very close to, who will specifically seek out one-on-one time with me. I don’t think I’m a closed off person, although definitely shy with new people.

Do you go out much? I hate OLD and always have the most successful from nights out. If you go somewhere with an 'older' crowd, the men are usually much more confident and likely to approach you. You can't find a relationship unless you put yourself out there and talk to people.

Are you religious? Church can be a place to meet someone in a similar situation.

Matchmakers work for many cultures. That could be another route.

OLD does feel a bit strange at first, but it’s a good way to meet people who are definitely interested in a relationship. At least half my friends (including me) met their husbands/wives/partners through online dating.
You do need to be a bit choosy about which sites/apps you use though.

If you genuinely want to meet someone it’s worth pushing through the awkward first bit and going on a few dates (I went on a lot before I met my husband- some were great and turned into relationships, some were a fun evening, some were a very dull evening, and some were an ‘experience’. So don’t get put off too quickly if the first couple of dates aren’t amazing).

At 30 you still have plenty of time to find someone so I’d spend some time dating and working out what you like in a partner before you try to rush into a relationship and babies.

If you don’t meet someone then it might be worth considering what your other options are and what you’d need to do for them to be practical (e.g. if you decide that if you haven’t met someone by 37 then you’ll try sperm donation or fostering/adoption, then you can work towards that plan). If you meet someone along the way then great, if not then at least you’ll be in a position at that point to decide if it’s something you actually want to persue by yourself.

I think this is much more common than people would lead you to believe. I have two friends in the same situation as you, one male and one female, from different circles and neither unattractive. I believe it is a confidence thing. They both unintentionally push away attention. I would stick with the online dating and see where it takes you! Maybe set yourself a deadline (eg 2 years) before going it alone.

Why do you think you have never had a partner op? What do you think? I give you some options... religious reasons...never leaving the house... unattractive physically...no conversation...not able to flirt...loads of other reasons exist! You need to drill down honestly into why and address the issue (if you want to change) . I had had no partners before late 20s and found the reasons to be a mixture of religious/being a misery/ and prudishness. Not a fabulous combination!! But I could and did change and was married at 31.

I know a fair few who have met via OLD too, Inc about 4 married couples.

You have to be careful meet somewhere open. Cafe, restaurant or somewhere make your own way there and back.

Treat it as a bit of fun, it's almost like finding the right person for a job. You've read the CV, spoke via the phone, first date is like first interview are they the person you think they are, do you gel?

Some nights will be dull, some you just won't gel with, you might even end up at a pantomime (gawd only knows why) but enjoy and go with an open mind

I’m the same age as you, single (after just being dumped again) and childless so no real advice but solidarity! I have the same worries as you and desperately want to be a mum, considering doing it alone instead of going back to OLD. It’s soul destroying. I wish it was as easy as people say but it clearly isn’t. It’s hard to keep at it and treat it as a bit of fun when you’re getting no interest or are constantly rejected.

I will say I’ve had fun at speed dating in the past and found it so much better/more comfortable than OLD If this is something you’d consider.