To be terrified of being murdered

[Magicmegan]

Hi, really hoping for some advice or words of wisdom please🤞

I’m terrified of being murdered. Just to clarify- I’m safe and I don’t actually think I’m going to be murdered, it’s just something I’m scared of.

im in my 20s and have no contact with him. I haven’t since I was a child. He was violent- I don’t know how he got away with everything- I was too young to remember but my mum said she went to the police and was basically told she was being hysterical and to think about how she would be breaking up her family. They didn’t help at all. it was actually a blessing that he had an affair because it meant we left him when I was around 8.

Unfortunately we still lived less than a mile away from him and he stalked us for a while after this and I was terrified of him. He didn’t hurt us but he would send texts, turn up at our house and sit for ages knocking the door, but again he seemed to get away lightly with everything. I don’t know whether my mum didn’t go to the police or whether they took his side because he had a good job etc but he never got into trouble.

but it all came to a head one day when he was angry at my mum for something and called her and described to her in detail he was going to cut my throat. My mum called the police and I remember them coming round and we got a panic button, but I don’t think he was ever charged with anything as there was no proof. I was around 13 so old enough to understand and be terrified especially with his history.

He started harassing my mum by going to the police and making false accusations about her (she was even arrested once- it all turned out to be lies and him and his new partner were charged with wasting police time or something along those lines). he left us alone after this and didn’t bother us again.

There was some sort of order that he was to leave us alone but it’s expired now. I went to the police and a lawyer and begged to have an order put on him now that I’m an adult as I was scared that would trigger him harassing me but they said they couldn’t because he had left us alone recently (but only because he had to because of the order!) and they said I can’t get any sort of restraining order because he hasn’t done anything recently. All then recommended was phoning them if anything happens. I know an order won’t stop someone if they want to do something but it’s peace of mind that I have as much protection as possible.

so now I’ve just to live my life. I have a good job, a nice house and I’m really happy with my life now. He briefly contacted and asked if I would want to get to know him and I told him where to go. In fairness he has left me alone and hasn’t caused any problems. But as much as I’m happy with my life, I feel like he’s a shadow looming over me. I’m always looking over my shoulder. I’m scared to go out to isolated places myself. I hate being home alone. It completely restricts my life and it’s always in the back of my mind that he could come back. I knew he was violent but the throat cutting comment shook me to my core and I spent my entire teenage years coming to terms with the fact that I might be on a documentary one day after he comes for me.

but the reality is, I could take my dog for a walk and be attacked, and people unfortunately get murdered by people for no reason. So I can’t live my life in fear. But it’s so hard to shake off that comment he made all those years ago. He has left me alone for a decade now, doesn’t know anything about where I am, I take safety precautions and I have been to therapy. The police have told me im safe. I know I’m safe. He is old now anyway and has no interest in me or my mum. It’s just so hard to feel safe even though I am.

you know when you go for a run alone at night or walk through an isolated place as a women and you get that sickening feeling in the back of your mind that there’s a chance you could be attacked etc even though you know it’s more likely not to happen than to happen? It’s like that but all the time.

does anyone have any sort of advice or tips? Will I always have this looming over me and in the back of my mind?

It sounds like you could do with some counselling to process what happened to you growing up. It seems the threat in reality is no longer there but you are still living in a heightened state of fear which is totally understandable given what you've been through, but it is affecting your day to day life and you deserve to feel better. Have you spoken to your gp about any of this op?

OP the trauma you experienced as a child is horrific and of course will have a lasting impact. I work with some of the most dangerous people in our communities and spent a good proportion of my career working with high risk diversion adviser perpetrators such as your father.
Murder is incredibly rare, even amongst cases such as yours. I know this isn't especially helpful I just wanted to share my experience.
Times have changed and police do take these matters much more seriously, but you wouldn't meet the threshold for a restraining order if he hasn't made any recent contact.
I agree with a PP you might find some benefit in therapy. Do you still live in the same area? Would it be of any help to your well-being if you didn't?

You're not unreasonable, because what you are experiencing is a kind of PTSD to a situation where you felt real threat. Your reaction was exacerbated by the fact you were a child threatened by someone who was not only an adult, but an adult who was supposed to care for you.

Psychotherapy is brilliant and really important for helping process and rationalise feelings. From my personal experience, the problem with taking experience of male violence to psychotherapy is that the ultimate aim (to make you realise that the danger has passed and that you are now safe) is slightly undermined by the world we live in with its endemic male pattern violence against women and girls, and organisations such as the police which continue to be institutionally misogynist. A person who has already experienced something terrifying is likely to be hyper-vigilant to these signs of threat in the environment.

I'd recommend looking into EMDR therapy to complement the psychotherapy. I have found it effective at releasing the fear that I seemed to hold onto with my body long after my brain had made rational sense of everything. It felt a bit like my nervous system had a reset and I'm much calmer during situations where I used to panic.

YANBU and to the people voting that you are that's just ridiculous. I think anyone who had gone through this would feel this way. I wouldn't be happy until I knew he was no longer on earth. Some counselling and even moving away might help?

i understand what you are saying but please do seek help .
Im nearly 40 and wished i got help sooner i isolated myself because of fear due to a past ex partner and childhood trauma .
Im slowly getting past the fear now but its taken years i even moved miles away and have no SM accounts i still have that fear im gonna be found .
But not as much fear as i did have please start therapy .

As others have said, you need to attend some form of counselling. You should also find a women's self defence class where you can learn defensive behaviour and the way to respond if you are approached. Just knowing that you have a toolkit of ways to protect yourself could make you feel less vunerable.

You may well have had therapy @Magicmegan but I’d urge you to have more with a therapist who specifically works with childhood trauma. EMDR could be helpful when you’ve built a rapport.

Your story has given me a sense of panic so YAVDNBU but this can get better. Maybe ask your GP for advice on finding a good therapist ( I did this).

warm wishes for a calmer future.

Would it help you to think about it in a different way??

He wasn't threatening you, he was trying to scare your mother.

Have you checked to see if he's still alive?

I had that horrendous sense of dread with anxiety. It gave me horribly intrusive thoughts. Medication may help that "doom" feeling whilst you get treatment.

You've been traumatised, you saw your mum get traumatised. You were only a child and your sense of safety was taken from you and replaced with fear.

If you can pay privately for counselling that would be good, if not ask GP to refer you. I agree EDMR will probably benefit you.

OP I am really sorry for what’s happened to you and your mum. I am not a psychologist but you sound very similar to someone I know and love who has CPTSD, also caused by a violent childhood. They chose a career which helps keep other people safe. It helped, in a way, but these things don’t really mend themselves, and they went to speak to someone. They’re a lot older and wish they’d gone sooner; it has really helped a lot. So YANBU at all, I would echo what other posters have said about therapy. All the best to you.

When we get stuck revisiting childhood trauma it is often due to the fact that we can’t easily formulate a strategy for safety having done nothing wrong in the first place.

Sometimes we find ourselves constantly on high alert in any situation that resembles the old experience, becoming anxious and panicky for seemingly no reason at this point in our lives.

It’s worth realising in this instance that we don’t actually have to do anything to stay safe from the trauma repeating, because we will never again be as vulnerable as we were when we were that naive and helpless child.

One of the hard-earned privileges of being an adult is that you can no longer be victimised in the way a child can. As an adult we have agency over what happens to us and in our search to learn the lessons of our past trauma, sometimes the only thing we really need to learn is that we will never be in the situation where it can happen again.

@Magicmegan firstly, I'm glad you've told people this. It's not an irrational fear, its trauma that has shaped you. Definitely sounds like ptsd/c-ptsd symptoms. You have my sympathy.

Secondly, he wasn't ever going to slit your throat, he was trying to get you both back under his control. He wanted to terrify your mum, so she'd never leave out of fear. It would be rarer than unicorn shit that a murderer would give you a heads up first.
My one threatened all kinds of mad shit but only ever actually almost killed my mum through strangulation, which was done with temper, the threatening to kill her with knives etc he never once pulled a knife out. Just said it.

I also had a very intense childhood, absolutely entrenched with domestic abuse from my sperm donor also (you probably guessed from what I said)
It fucked up my teens and 20s up if I'm honest. I did go for EMDR but it didn't "agree" with me, so please discuss with your therapist the possibility of unlocking more memories that may be hidden for a reason. (It uncovered sexual abuse I suspected occurred but I couldn't remember specifically, to the point now I remember it very in depth, so whilst for many people it's absolutely incredible, please also be aware it's opening Pandoras box) but please, do seek counselling in general.

You have been left with so much to process, do you have survivors guilt? I believe it's common with kids growing up in households of violence, where we see our mums absolutely destroyed, so it kind of haunts us that it wasn't as bad for us, even if it was, which sounds nonsensical.

What he was, was a pathetic little person who wouldn't pick on someone his own size. He's a bully, a coward and he won't bother with you now. I'd bet my last fiver he only wanted to bother to freak out your mum.

He will have found someone else to terror or maybe he's taken to some type of substance abuse. (Mine drank himself to death) but your DM got you out and kept you safe. She set a boundary and she was strong, he'll know from your boundary mum has raised a kid that nobody fucks with and he's wasting his time.

Your life doesn't have to be beholden to this absolute fucking bastard and your fear will improve once he's dead, but it kind of doesn't empower you as much as you hope it will.
You have to learn techniques mentally to cope with fighting the intrusive thoughts he will harm you.

I want you to live a happy life, you've been through some serious shit and it's been hell for you, I know, but you can't allow this fear, even though its not illogical, you've been scared of this for so long, it's not ingrained, but trust me from someone a bit older, get a handle on it now.

I went wild, lots of drink and drugs, lots of behaviour that I'm both ashamed of and proud I didn't die from for many years.
I needed to talk to therapists, not drug dealers, I needed to meditate, not drink, I needed to give myself affirmations and be nicer to myself, not let every Tom, dick and Harry shag me for approval.

Your mother kept you safe, she was strong and didn't just go back out of fear. You have her spirit in you, just because she was there for a bit, she got out which is remarkable. I'm proud of you both.

If you ever need a chat, please inbox me. I'm always around.

YANBU. So sorry you had to experience that as a child, and the fear even now.

Child abuse leaves long shadows. I'm always checking doors and windows closed before bed even though rational me (and DH) says that it is vanishingly unlikely to have an intruder. Its that fear of invasion (safe boundaries/trust) I think, psychologically. Same with walking in woods alone.

Maybe I need to get a great Dane. But not while DC (Dear Cat) is still around. She's a bit traumatised by life already. Anyway, rambling....

Some wise and sensible suggestions up thread. As well as therapy, I thought the suggestion of martial arts/self defence was a good one.

Maybe you need to come into your own sense of power and the security of knowing you could floor anyone unwise enough to have a go. Wishing you good luck and strength.