DP meeting youngest DS

[Laughloudandlong]

I have 2 DS (15 & 9) and have been split from their dad for 2 years. We have them 50/50. I’ve been with a new partner for 8 months. My ex and I agreed that we wouldn’t introduce new partners to the boys until the relationship was at least 6 months. My new partner mentioned wanting to meet them before 6 months and I was unsure at the time, and then when 6 months was reached, I was still unsure. I talked to my ex about the possibility of the boys meeting and shared my reluctance at the six-month point. He wasn’t opposed to the boys meeting DP, just that I wasn’t sure and if I wasn’t sure then he didn’t want the boys meeting someone who might not be around for long.

To be clear, my reluctance about my DP wasn’t related to my ex but if my feelings for DP were as strong as his seemed for me.

Now we are at 8 months and my DP and I have gotten closer, and I am more confident about the relationship, and I am ok with the boys meeting DP. He had mentioned it a few times and one of the reasons I hadn’t pushed it was that my oldest doesn’t want to know. He has refused to engage about it at all. When I mentioned the possibility of meeting DP to my youngest, he was agreeable. Since the boys normally come as a package there isn’t much opportunity for this meeting to occur just with the youngest. It may be a long time before the oldest comes around to any kind of meeting.

Here’s the AIBU. Through chance I have the youngest only for a weekend. We said we would go see a movie he’s interested in. Before this chance occurred, I had already arranged to meet DP for a meal and window shopping as I wasn’t going to have DS. WIBU to have DP meet us near the cinema after the movie? I would check with DS if he was ok with meeting DP before confirming with DP, but it seems like an opportunity for DP to meet youngest DS without the stress of the oldest. It would also show DP that I am willing for the boys to meet just it hasn’t been possible so far. It wouldn’t be for a meal or anything (unless DS was really keen) just a brief introduction and maybe an ice-cream before we would part.

AIBU but also should I contact ex or oldest DC before this happens or just play it off as an accidental meeting after the fact?

It makes sense to start bringing those two worlds together but it feels like a lot of pressure on the nine year old to have him 'meet' your DP as though it would be a meaningful social interaction. Better to have DP there taking part in some kind of activity (maybe be at the cinema) so he's around but without it being a massive deal. Then I'd mention casually to the older one 'oh, DP came to the cinema with me and DS2 today'.

Do not fake an accidental meeting.

It won't be at all believable.

However, what purpose does this meeting serve?
It seems you want to go do it in order to pacify your boyfriend - your boyfriend appears to want to meet your sons because to him it represents that you are serious about the relationship. It doesn't appear to be because he thinks your kids sound wonderful and is desperate to get to know them.

But your sons are not pawns to be used to prove a point about an adult relationship.

What is your expectation for how this relationship processes?
It sound unlikely to be one in which you are moving in together (unless you are willing to greatly upset your eldest son and damage that relationship). So why does he feel the need to meet them so urgently?

I suspect it is nothing to do with your kids and everything to do with your relationship so I'd leave the kids well out of it.

I think given that neither you or your DC are particularly keen for this meeting to take place I'd leave it. Your DP doesn't get to push or choose when this happens, the fact that he doesn't seem able to wait/respect your/their boundaries would be a red flag for me.

Six months is nothing. Revisit in a year (unless the children actively want to meet him earlier).

I don't really understand the need to meet the kids if they don't really want to. It's been 6 months. It seems like it's creating a lot of drama for nothing.

He doesn't have kids by the sounds of it.

DP does have kids - youngest is older than my oldest. He's separated and doesn't live with any of his. We definitely have different experiences of parenthood and family life.

I wouldn't dream of moving in together for a long time (if ever) and have been clear about that. I've met his DC and the initial meet with 1 of them was accidental. I think his thoughts were "you've met mine, can't I meet yours?"

Odd how?

Lol. I can see how that looks. It was genuinely an accident.

He's been open about everything and I think I've been a little more guarded (at the start). I think my reluctance for him to meet DC added with my guardedness had him thinking I wasn't as invested as he is. I've opened up more and it has seen better communication between us.
The meeting felt like the last sticking point between us.
With youngest DC happy to meet it seems like too good an opportunity to miss.

I think it might be sense to sound the older one out about how he would feel about the younger one meeting DP. I think there could be a difficult dynamic if one has and the other hasn't, especially if they've had no say in that. It might be better for first meeting to be when they are both around - even if the older one just says hi for a few minutes before you both go off somewhere with the younger one.

This is very well considered and good advice.

For me the critical question is WHY does he want to meet your children. It should be in your boys best interest, and should not jsut be a "milestone" activity.

From reading your OP it sounds like your DP sees it as a "step" rather than having a genuine desire to get to know your kids.... If you can't answer the "Why" then maybe its not time yet.

Thank you for explaining. I haven't thought of it like that.
I know I can't explain the nuances and context of all our conversations but it hasn't felt like that. But I haven't pushed back on waiting longer.

Perhaps because I shared this 6 month rule he's seeing it as not being good enough at 6 months and felt insecure when really that was just a guidance between my ex and i for gauging seriousness of the relationship and not 6 months meet now or you're out/never meeting.

I think it would be better if your partner came to the movie with you two and you grabbed an ice cream afterwards? Meeting just for an ice cream seems quite an intense first meet for a little one. At least after the film you’ll all have something to chat about and hopefully your son will be more relaxed.

I would also keep the conversation with your eldest relaxed. ‘Hey X. Your brother, partner and I were thinking of catching a movie on the weekend. Do you mind or shall we go altogether another day?’

Hmm.
Why not wait?
In a couple of years , the older DS will have have had time to see that your boyfriend makes you happy and is a positive rather than a negative. And he'll have grown up a lot!
Then you can introduce your DP to the DC when all are happy for this to happen. When everyone is prepared, and the relationship is long-lived enough that nobody is too anxious about meeting.
And it won't lead to awkwardness where one DS has met him and the other not.

At the moment it doesn't sound like there's any practical reason. You can surely reassure your bloke that it's not him, it's just not the right time yet.

"he's seeing it as not being good enough at 6 months and felt insecure"

Your children do not exist to make a grown man feel more secure by ticking off the "met kids" box on his checklist.

You can keep your romantic life and your family life entirely separate - there is absolutely no need for them to become entwined given you have 50/50 custody and therefore have at least a couple of nights a week without child care responsibilities.

Your 9 year old isn't begging to meet him - he seems open to it but are you sure that isn't because he feels some sort of obligation to "help" you out by agreeing given his brother will not?

So your 9 year old is at best "ok" with the idea of potential meeting and your 15 year old is explicitly not ok with it

So what will meeting add positively to their lives? Very little.

I don't think children get to dictate their parent's entire lives but this is still a recent short relationship and so there is no need for them to meet him now.

I think it’s a terrible idea in respect to yoir eldest.

He’s already uncomfortable. If you BFF I ahead with this he’ll potentially feel left out as well.

Plus there’s the chance it could cause problems between the boys if your eldest feels the youngest has been disloyal.

If they normally come as a package then don’t change that for someone you were sure of two months ago.

Give your eldest time to come round.

Thank you for your comments. I think I have got caught up in the time frame as an end "DP meets DC" rather than a single step in, hopefully, a long journey.

I don't know if a couple of years is possible to wait but I will give it more consideration. I think I've got excited with taking the opportunity rather than thinking it through. I certainly wouldn't have forced it if youngest DC wasn't interested but he isn't eager either.

I will have to do better at getting oldest into understanding that DP exists and is part of my life.

Some of your comments echo my ex when we spoke at 6 months and I may have to concede he's been right. Lol.