How to make friends

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I dont have any friends, and I can't make them. I wouldn't say I've been actively trying to but I just can't seem to get it right. I struggle (sometimes) with social cues even though I thought I was normal or good at it. There have been a couple of times where I thought I was having a friendly chat with someone and afterwards the people around me had asked if I was OK after that argument, the other time everyone shut up after I said I didn't need the change, you keep it to my friend (we were paying for rounds but I don't like to go to the bar so I gave them about £60 for the drinks and food for the night, the change was about 15 but I said keep it as I thought they paid more for me anyway, to make it even) after that happened everyone shut up and it was really awkward and then it was explained I said it really aggressively. I never saw the friend again and when I did in passing it was obvious we weren't friends. So wierd. I genuinely thought I was being like 'oh no you shouldn't have done that keep it' all smiles but whatever.
And other times aswell. And then people don't reply or engage again. I don't understand. it feels like I'm in the matrix and everyone else is a robot on robot vibes and I'm different.

I asked my family about it and basically they know what I'm like so don't take offence when others do. but I don't know when or how it even happened.

anyway long story short I have no friends.

So I decided to join a group to make some. I thought a group would help because you definitely have at least one thing to talk about - the shared interest.
Right so I called the person who organises the group for details and on the phone it happened again. we are chatting having a nice talk about when's and wheres and costs and equipment and they stop and sound startled but I don't know why or what I said, I think I asked if they ever go to x location but I don't know why that would be bad. Anyway now I'm embarrassed amd have delayed starting by 2 weeks.

I have to go tomorrow though but I don't know what to do to be normal. It's very embarrassing.
I am absolutely terrible at small talk and of I don't practice a chat beforehand it goes badly. people always stop and look at me strange. oh god.

I have a husband and children. Nice normal life but I just can't connect. I was good at it as a teenager but I think they are more accepting and embracing even of wierdos. as a small child I struggled a bit and only managed one friend at a Time throughout primary. grand total= 2.

had great fun with the neighbourhood kids and kids outside of school but again, knew them all when I was a tiny little baby so there was no 'meeting' we just grew up together.

I actually am really upset by this, I thought I was normal but its becoming more and more apparent that I'm not.

bump

Just realised how long this is aswell. I am a chatter.

Aww sorry to read your struggling in this situation. One of my best friends loses all friends that she has because people don't understand her. She has ADHD and I really understand her and have patience when I think something was rude or abrupt, as I know its not how she meant it. But other people don't seem to give her the same chance. She's fell out with best friends from childhood and everything as they said she's rude. I dont know I think its about finding your people, people who get you. A lot of people don't have the patience to understand people. But it's where to find those people who get you isn't it?

This is me to a tee, T and tea.
It upsetting because everyone has their own rhythm and way of communicating so you can't just practice one way of talking, it's not a one size fits all.

I actually feel a bit like Sheldon Cooper I absolutely can't get it. Although I understand sarcasm and stuff.

How does your friend deal with it? and have you known her since childhood and that's how you can 'deal with her' (lack of a better term)?
Also have you seen her be wierd to others or did she realise on her own?

People have told her over the years that she was out of order for something she said, or has a resting bitch face is a term some of her old friends said!! She does see that she's very blunt and to the point but says she can't help it. I just take some things she says with a pinch of salt because I give extra understanding towards her because of her ADHD. We are great friends and have a great time, I just let some stuff go over my head. I've know her for around 16 years we met at baby classes. Again, a lot of the Mums there didn't give her the time of day because they felt she was rude, they just didn't get to know her in my opinion. She does has other friends, but I notice what happens a lot is they come and go, like they can be this months latest news and gone again just as quick. I think its because she says something that they disagree with so they back off.

Hi op. My experience is that AIBU is not the best board to talk about this sort of thing. I'd either ask for this to be moved - maybe to chat if you want traffic, but I think you would get the most useful responses on the neurodiverse mumsnetters board. Maybe come and have a read on the ND board and see if any of it resonates with you. All the best.

I know how you feel. I have always struggled as well. I would say it's a numbers game. You just have to try to meet as many people as possible and you'll get along well with one of them

Hello Op, It's very difficult to go out and make friends on a conscious level, as most often friendship happens when you're not looking, if that makes sense. But you ARE normal, it's YOUR normal.

I am absolutely terrible at small talk and of I don't practice a chat beforehand it goes badly. people always stop and look at me strange. oh god
^ I can hear the panic in your voice which is making you catastrophise. Try to calm this down.

When you go to your group tomorrow, try not to think about 'being normal' as you put it, and if it's the thought of conversation that is worrying you then remember that a conversation is a 2 way thing. Speaking and listening.

*Walk into the group, say hello, how are you, that kind of thing, then stop. Take a deep breath.
*Find a seat then settle yourself down so that you dont feel rushed/in a fluster. Take another deep breath.

• Look around the room, if anyone catches your eye give them a little smile. Take yet another deep breath. *Then listen to what is being said. Speakers always need someone to listen to them, so practise this skill first, as it will enable you to be in the room, with people and conversation, and you don't need to say anything other than a yes, no, hmm. *If anything they say requires a longer answer then breath in/out slowly before speaking. This will give you time to collect your thoughts . *Finally - if you are asked a question or be expected to comment on something the other person has said, then only answer that one thing then stop. Wait. Then let them pick up the conversation again.

Wishing you a lovely time

That's absolutely great advice about learning the skill of listening. That's great thank you, I'll give it a go. thank you so much.

and I'll have a look on that ND board, I didn't even know there was one.

and yes it is a numbers game but you don't get many opportunities as an adult to make friends and once you've messed up people don't give you another go.

She's very lucky to have you as a friend. I do feel bad, it really is tricky to know how others perceive you. It's easy to get it wrong until someone speaks out and you're just like confused 🙃

Hello Op, how did today go? Well I hope. Did you do anything else apart from the group meeting, or was that enough for the day?

I'm self employed so I've been working all day - 9.30 - 7.00, and have only just this past hour sat down with some food. Long days but fun.

Hi OP. I was also wondering how your group went?

It is super hard for us to make any judgements on how to help as we can't see you in action. The content of what you are saying seems ok! But maybe you are doing a weird facial expression, or your tone is angry? Or perhaps you are just cutting people off from speaking so they give up?

I know this is terrifying, but do you think you could just ask when you get a bad reaction from someone?

If you see someone recoil or go quiet you could say
'Oh no, did I put my foot in it? Sorry, sometimes I read things wrong'. People will rarely answer that out and out honestly, but they may give you a little clue as to why they are surprised.

For example, when the women on the phone suddenly stopped, you could have said 'oh no, what did I say? Is that a weird place to go?'

I think the only way to understand where it is going wrong is to get some direct feedback.

Yeah it's a shame we can't see you in action to give some advice on what we see. But from being around my friend and seeing some of the friendships that have faded away, the advice I'd have given her if she would have asked me to would be things like:

1. Listen, and show you're listening
2. Don't turn a conversation about the other person into a conversation about you, eg your friend says they went through a bad time so you jump in and tell them about a time when.....
3. Try to be on your friends same level of kindness, eg your friend is thoughtful and checks in with you on anniversaries of losses etc, make sure you're doing the same rather than no text
4. Maybe try to hold back a little on voicing blunt opinions, not everyone will get it

I am not saying these are things you do, I just knows it's things my friend does and it's why she's lost friends over the years. Good luck OP xx