To expect to have the energy to do everything?

[3mmaH]

I’ve got 2 young DC, I work full time, 5 days a week out the house for 12 hours including commute. I am very much a night owl and currently struggling to get the balance right between enough sleep and getting everything done (bedtime stories, cook food, exercising, tidying house…maybe shaving my legs seen as we have some sunshine 😂)

I also have a long term health condition which affects my energy levels and diet, because of the amount of sleep I need (medically diagnosed) if I were to go to bed when I should (8.30pm) then I have a maximum of 2 hours a day not sleeping/working. I really, really struggle to get up in the morning at 6.30am and often it’s 3pm before I feel at my best. I’m asleep around 9.30pm most nights. I can’t go to bed any earlier and still get things done, but I’ve no idea how else to have sufficient energy, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place!

YABU - other people manage parenthood, full time work and general life - man up (or other politically correct phrase) and get on with it

YANBU - accept that a combination of working, parenting and a health condition is tough and lower your expectations.

Since no one's commented I'm gonna say little children are enough to suck the life force directly from your soul.

Your being to hard on yourself. But practical stuff - have you had a recent blood test ? Low iron ?

Try vitamin b tablets from boots (life saver), practice sleep hygiene will help with the early rising, re hour work if you can afford it out source it (MY CLEANER IS WORTH HER WEIGHT IN GOLD and if it came down to getting rid of my cleaner or my DH it would be Dh I would be chucking

They won't be small forever, outsource the things you hate if you can. Rest where you can. You do not have to perform like a monkey for children. They love you as you are, teach them that resting is also good.

From one tired mother to another - you have got this (even if you totally don't have this) fake it until you make it 💐

House work ** excuse the typos - I'm knackered lol oh the irony

That would absolutely crucify me.

2 small kids - exhausting.
12 hour days - exhausting.
Having a chronic health condition - exhausting.

Cut yourself some slack! I'm sure some people could manage that fine, but I'm also sure that plenty of others in your situation would be knackered all the time too.

I'm assuming if you could have lightened the load on any of things things you would have already, so be gentle with yourself and eat well/for energy.

12 hours is crazy! So I guess you only see the kids for a few hours per day too?

can you get a cleaner?

do you HAVE to work FT?

What @beeskipa said - I have worked ft with small kids but I never fitted in any exercise or much grooming.

something essential is always getting pushed to the bottom of the pile.

i’m wondering about your pt options - even if you negotiated every other Friday afternoon off?

Yeah cut yourself some slack, just reading your op exhausted me, I've no advice except when you shave your legs don't forget to check / shave your big toes, it's also sandal weather dontcha know 😉

You win with this comment. Every time I shave my legs I'm gonna think of this 😂😂😂

And if you forget, those Superdrug face razors are quite good for a quick toe catch up!

I work 4 longish days, have a toddler and a primary age child. I manage to go to yoga once a week and do a bit of walking. Husband also shares a lot of pick ups and rip offs but it's still v v hard.

What's gone to accommodate? A) sleep (average about 4-5 hours a night) B) the house is not as clean and tidy as I prefer and this causes resentment (we used to have a cleaner but right now can't really afford one til we get the 30 free hours, and C) I look an absolute fright. Zero grooming, awful hair, barely ever wear make up, my clothes are shabby but I have no time or money to work on that rn.

Cut yourself some slack. You're doing your best. Prioritise sleep. Your health comes first xxx

You're welcome!😁

Do you know about "spoon theory"? If you've got a chronic illness then you have fewer "spoons" than most people. And what you describe would take up an entire "standard" amount of spoons.

Getting up in the morning an hour or two later makes an incredibly big difference to me - I have ADHD which can cause sleep oddities and basically if I was getting up at 6:30 it would be like I was getting up at 4 and I'd be knackered for the whole day. I do best when I can lie in until 8, and DH tries to facilitate this as much as possible. (I get up first at weekends in return and have a slow morning). I can obviously get up earlier if needed, but it has such a knock on effect on my energy levels for the rest of the day, it's worth facilitating my later wake ups when I can.

Thank you for the kind comments.

@Campervangirl @Wintry57 great advice, maybe I could stash a razor in my handbag and multitask on the commute?! 😂

@candlesflamesandbrooms I have had my iron levels checked a few times and recently been able to lower my iron dose as it’s at a good level along with other things too.

TBH finances are pretty tight, not recovered since Covid really and with if anything rises further it’ll be tough decisions and potentially trying to work more rather than drop any hours. So outsourcing like a cleaner is out the question but the OH cleans I just try to keep things tidy and help with laundry and cooking.

@BertieBotts you’ve summed up exactly how I feel. My getting up at 6.30am is equivalent to someone with a typical sleep pattern getting up at 3.30am. I see articles about how damaging regular late nights and sleep deprivation are but can’t see anything to say that long term early starts could be damaging.

I’ve also had people assume that I’ve got ADHD and when I’ve subsequently read about it, it does seem very relatable, although I hadn’t read about the sleep thing.

It feels like society has such a biased view that morning people are better more efficient people. The industry I’m in is typical daytime hours so I’ve got no chance of a later start.
I’ve got to be constantly fighting against my body clock without anyone understanding the extra efforts it takes.

Could I ask whether you feel earlier nights would help you if you had to get up early? Maybe I’m beating myself up a bit unnecessarily about going to sleep an hour later than I should when actually it wouldn’t make a drastic difference because it’s sleeping at the wrong time anyway and it’s the morning start that’s more of a problem.

It doesn't make any difference to me. Sometimes I go to bed around 7pm because I'm exhausted (though this is actually better now I'm on medication) and it didn't make it any easier to get up in the morning. It generally just made me starving or uncomfortable at 2am so I got a worse quality sleep, but even when I was so tired I slept all night it didn't make a difference to the early morning effect.

The search term you'd want is delayed sleep phase disorder, I think. That talks about the issues of trying to get up at a time your body thinks is "too early". It's basically like always being jet lagged.

Morning people are efficient is one of those Victorian legacies and about as useful - i’m much sharper and happier the further after lunch I get! The latest brain research supports varying working (and school) schedules as for some of us the hours 7-10 am would be better spent asleep!

Thank you.
I looked into delayed sleep phrase disorder, it seems relatable other than I have no problems falling asleep early. It’s the frustration that going to sleep early doesn’t make me feel any different in the morning.

It would also explain why the winter months are tough as I don’t get any natural daylight at all!

Somedays my body feels heavy as if I’m walking through water with each step all morning. Once I’m out of the timing that feels like I should be asleep it’s so much better!!

yes @Wintry57 why do we have this archaic idea that only morning people are productive. All through my teenage years I was encouraged to get up early for homework work and revision yet I was so much more alert in the evening. There’s quite a few farmers in my family and during harvest and lambing I’ve got one relative that struggles with mornings too, so they keeping working through the night and trying to get the few hours rest in the morning (6-10) instead of ‘at night’ and getting up early (2-6) - they put the same efforts in as everyone else and get just as much done, yet you see so much in the media about how successful people‘s key is to get up super early and that’s how they get things done and the rest of us are lazy!

Oh and I’d be really interested to read the research if you have any links you’d like to share. 😊

It's haaaaaard being mum to small kids. Add in a health condition and it feels impossible some days. I don't work anything like the hours you do, but I do have health issues and am NOT a morning person either - sometimes it is literally all I can do to drag myself up to do school runs (we have an early start because DS is at a private school not local to us). Totally relate to that wading through sludge feeling in the morning.

DH helps a lot around the house, thank goodness ❤️ so we get by. I do what I can, and some days are better than others, but it's incredibly frustrating when one's energy levels and other physical issues stop you from doing what everyone else seems to just cope with.

Not sure I have any advice, other than compromise on what you can to save your sanity! Do what you can, and absolutely don't compare yourself to other mums because that way madness lies.

Hugs 💕

I have a chronic health condition that comes with severe fatigue. Sometimes I can do lots other times (depending on where in the cycle I am for my treatment) I can’t do much at all.

My DH understands where I am and adds to his load when he needs to. I don’t like it and it took a long time to be able to ask and understand that I need it.

Go to bed when you are tired. Last night I went to bed at 8. Other nights I can stay up later. For me it makes a massive difference

We do have a cleaner, but that is recent and I know not achievable for most - as it was not for us when our kids were younger and we had child care to cover.

Young kids are super tough, I would again say, go to bed when you need to. When you are doing that regularly, you will find other times when your energy is more stable and for me I can now find a balance and do what I need to on the better days.

If your partner is happy to be fully invested in your team (and for me this actually came down to me letting him rather than him not being willing from the start) and you give your body the rest it needs when you need it, I hope you will feel better. But give it time to stabilise and invest in yourself for a short time for this to happen

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11148930/Teenagers-to-start-school-at-10am-in-Oxford-University-sleep-experiment.html

for example!

and my daughters are the same - we are all off the charts grumpy and tired at 7am.o

You mentioning you don't get any natural daylight in winter made me think of vitamin D. Have you had your levels checked? That can have a big effect if you are low.