This is 100% raw and all facts included.

[Genuineweddingone]

My estranged brother is getting married in July. Him nor his fiance have spoken to me in a long time and I have not met their youngest child. It is all due to family issues/lies/rumours etc as we do not have healthy parents but essentially he has completely stopped talking to me in the last two years, his fiance in the last year assume due to loyalty to him which I understand.

I have no relationship with my fathers family at all due to above mentioned unhealthy parents. They are not nice in my opinion and I feel anxious around them. I do not have my child around them and my child does not know who they are. These people and partners have been invited to their wedding. None of my mums family have been ( I get along with them) so essentially all that is at this very small wedding is my brother and his fiance, her family, the family I do not talk to and my parents who hate each other. They have invited me and my son and not my partner. I would love to heal wounds but I do not feel like I can as I will feel so awkward in this situation. These people (dads family) put me through so much I ended up in hospital.

I want to know am i being unreasonable for saying no me and my son will not go without my partner? They have invited everyone else with theirs just not mine. i have declined the invite as I would feel so out of place in that situation and my son has social anxiety as do I and I feel I need to prioritise my mental health but my 'family' are saying I just want 'my own way'. A point to note is that the invite went to my mothers house not mine and the bride and groom still have not contacted me in any way but have tried to 'mediate' with another family member.

AIBU to put my mental health first? Or am I being a spoiled child here?
For context there is not real reason they do not talk to me bar a few words here and there during covid when we were all stressed and as soon as he introduced us to his fiance we accepted her into our family. Not sure what other information to put but do feel free to ask.

You do not have to attend the wedding of an immediate family member who has limited contact with you and cannot even do you the courtesy of sending the invitation directly to you. If your brother is seeking to reconcile he has a very funny way of showing it.

Do they have reason to have a problem with your DP? Is he known for getting horrendously drunk and loud at weddings or something?

No we only met just after my brother stopped talking to me so they do not know him at all. He is a lovely man and barely drinks more than two glasses of wine and is non argumentative.

This is my genuine point. They do not seem to recognise me as a person, have not recognised me as their kids aunt and certainly have not seemed to recognise my relationship. I do not want to go as surely if someone wanted to reconcile they would do so before a big day like a wedding? Its like a carrot they are dangling as I would dearly love a reconciliation but to omit my partner and make me feel very awkward is just horrible to me but then I am a very emotional person so wanted to know if I am in the wrong. I was not brought up with parents who gave us boundaries.

Weddings can be really intense with a lot of drama even for families that normally get on well. I don't know whether or not there is a chance of a reconciliation between you two but a wedding isn't the right situation for it.

YANBU in deciding not to go, no. I’d say it’s better not to go unless you plan to speak to all the family members you’re currently no/low contact with before the wedding, otherwise there’s a high risk of a fallout when you’re there. Good things don’t happen when people feel awkward and then drink to excess.

I wouldn’t make it about your partner though, as that does risk making you look like the unreasonable one. Just politely decline the invitation if that’s what you want to do.

If you do want to be there for your bro’s big day how about you go to the ceremony but not the reception? That way you’re offering an olive branch but not putting yourself at risk of any drama?

do you really want to go to this bunch of hell riders???? why????

Why would you go?!

Do you feel reconciling with your brother would be good for you? If so, perhaps a less emotionally fraught situation might work better? Just you and your brother? If he does genuinely want to reconcile then he will accept an alternative offer of a meeting. However, if you aren't sure you want that, be honest with yourself; you sound like you are happy with your little family, do you need to change things?

Honestly, it's fine not to like the people who hurt you.

If your brother was bothered, he would have contacted you. Send them a lovely card- think of a genuine message and let them get on with it.

If so inclined, send a bottle of something fizzy- as a gesture.

Then let them get on with it. Look at your life ahead- with your partner and son. Weddings make people crazy- honestly, they really do.

I feel I need to prioritise my mental health but my 'family' are saying I just want 'my own way'.

Who cares what they're saying? These are people you can't stand, have made you so ill you ended up in hospital, and won't talk to you.

When you say you'd like to heal wounds, why? Are you thinking that despite everything, blood is thicker than water? You owe these people absolutely nothing, so stuff them I say.

The phrase that's often used on Mumsnet is that 'it's an invite not a summons' and this is good advice I think.
Weddings can be tricky and tense (such a romantic, I know!) and if there is already family difficulties then it's probably quite likely to be an unpleasant experience. As others have said, it's not the place for a reconciliation. Sorry to sound harsh, but could the invite have come from his fiancé rather than genuinely from your brother?
One poster suggested just the ceremony and then slip away: could this be a compromise for you?
Look after yourself first OP, good luck!

A good rule of thumb in this kind of situation is to try to match the amount of care given.

So, how much care are they showing you? How much effort? Not a lot, if they are still not speaking to you. So match that. Don't donate a ton of care and attention when it's not reciprocated.

Personally I'd tip it bollocks and not go anywhere near the wedding or any of the family ever again

The not inviting your partner is a red herring. I wouldn't go because of EVERYTHING else you wrote in your first post op.

"Regretfully I am unable to attend. Have a lovely day. Yours x"

And then think no more about it, or book something nice as a treat so you are not even remotely thinking about them on the day. Except to say to yourself "this is much nicer than making awkward conversation with people I detest and wondering how soon I can decently get the duck out of here all day (at probable vast expense).

And send a toaster. A cheap one

Don't forget to cut the plug off first though !

I am not being all that unreasonable then. I did not think so but our family is not great funtionally. Thank you all for your input.

Swerve that. Have a lovely time with your real family instead- your dp and child!
Send a card and gift if you feel so inclined but I wouldn't go and I wouldn't get drawn into dialogue about it with them.

You are not remotely unreasonable to give the entire thing a miss.

Thank you all for the input. I genuinely did not think I was wrong declining but when you have come from a home without boundaries etc you always feel obliged to just give in. I will not on this occasion and happy to know I am not being unreasonable about it so thank you all x

Just wanted to update here. I felt so so sad about all of this. I cried for days. I desperately wanted a reconcilliation with my brother and my fathers family and reached out to an old friend who is a psychotherapist. We spent hours talking about everything and I have realised a few things with what has happened.

1. My fathers family will never like me. Nothing I do nor say will make that change. We are fundamentally different people and even if they realised I have done nothing wrong on them they will never apologise and I will always be their scapegoat. They do not want me in their lives.
2. My family are not loyal. I was actually UNinvited to a cousins wedding years ago due to her brother making up ridiculous lies about me. All of my family went, nobody stuck up for me. I felt abandoned, betrayed and lonely. I was also going through a separation from a man who abused me at the time too (physically/mentally/emotionally) and all of them including my direct family went and left me home. I ended up in hospital then. I tried to take my own life as I felt I had nobody. I survived as my friends are amazing. My biggest mistake was forgiving them all for this and making myself the weak one. The one they could blame on things.
3. My brother verbally abused me every time he got drunk over the years but when drunk would wait till i poured my first drink to loudly announce I was going to cause an argument which manipulated people into thinking somehow I had goaded him but all along he was planning to argue with me. That happened for years followed by years of abuse by silent treatment and over and over it has happened. I have always hated being ignored. Triggers me.
4. My friend has pointed out all of the above to me and made valid points. One being why would I want these people in my life? They bring me misery, heartache, drama and stress. She pointed out that just because we are related does not mean I need to tolerate this.
5. She pointed out one final thing that got me. Made things click. She said put everything together - they do not speak to you, they allow other family members to not speak to you. They possibly rubbed their hands in glee at the prospect of a hat trick knowing that now you have a partner that you would never go to this wedding without that person. She pointed out the glaring obvious 'THEY DO NOT AND HAVE NEVER WANTED ME THERE'. It hurt to hear. It hurt to think about. It hurt to mull over but I took two days to cry and basically grieve and have realised now that my brother and his future wife have been playing mind games all along. They NEVER wanted me to accept that invite they just wanted to let people know we got one. Sent to another house not ours but still they sent one so they have done their job and I am the vile, dramatising person saying no. They knew I would not be able to go with all of the above issues and got a bit caught out when they realised I was strong enough to go if my partner went and are now doubling back on themselves.

I wish them well. I hope my brother and his wife are happy in the future but I also now know I need to clear my head, never consider a reconciliation and walk away from this dysfunction.

I know this was a long read but if anyone is in my shoes or similar do me a favour for yourself, do NOT respond. THINK and think again before you respond. I genuinely thought my brother was offering the hand of peace but he has only ever been about the mind games and they have controlled me and caused drama and hurt for years. I dont want others to go through it. THINK before you respond or do not respond at all. This is where I went wrong.

Bless you op. I hope you get some closure on this whole situation. They don't deserve another second of the precious bandwidth inside your brain! Think of your brain as having so many Gb of data like a phone. Why waste it on them when they bring nothing but misery to you? Focus all your energy and love on the people and things who bring you joy and love. Plan something nice with your child and dp and keep working through therapy. It's great you have such a supportive friend and don't forget there's loads of free resources online for moving on from trauma and narcs. All the best.

Thank you so much for that post it is appreciated. I have to realise that what I lose in family I have in real family - my friends, dc and partner. Im a much loved person and I need to stop wanting people who call me crazy and a drama queen yet ignore me, in my life. I wish I had never responded but this is my week spot and with therapy I will work through it. For now though no more responding just happy thoughts with my family and friends. I genuinely feel a weight has been lifted. We all win. I get to stop this anxious feeling and they get the present they always wanted, a wedding without my presence. They will not be getting my presents either mind lol

So the wedding is this week. Yesterday for the first time in almost a year I came face to face with my brother and his fiance - they both completely ignored me. Not one word to me. It was awful, so awkward. Their eldest gave me a hug and we went outside and spent a few mins playing with my dog but although I finally got to meet their youngest I did not get to hold her and my brother almost ran out the door when they were leaving so I did not get to say goodbye. I know that I should not care about any of this as they have made their feelings perfectly obvious but my heart is broken. I really hate conflict and this is killing me. It is the most soul destroying feeling to be completely ignored by people. I am going to go through every emotion this week. I am so grateful for my partner who is my rock.