Am I in the wrong?

[Hapwendy]

Hey ladies,

I'm new here. My "problem" has made me look for clarity, my friends swear by this forum!

I feel I might be the one in the wrong or overreacting. I feel horrible for asking, but here goes! My husband is constantly on his phone. I cant approach the subject with him, as he doesn't see it as a problem. I feel it's unhealthy and that our relationship suffers as a result. He'll ignore me in favour of his phone and when we're apart he'll be online all day long, every five minutes. He'll tell me that he's busy, to busy to talk to me. I'm left feeling "how busy can you be if you're online every five minutes?" Again, I don't care about who he speaks with, I just feel like I have no value. He doesn't send me any messages when we're apart, if I try to speak to him I get noninteractive responses that feel like deliberate walls. He never lets the thing leave his side, sits with it screen down and on vibrate (when he's not picking it up every two minutes). I find this weird, he says it's so he's not being disturbed all day long. Let me be clear I have no issue with him speaking to anyone, at all! It makes me feel controling just questioning it as not normal. I have issue with the behaviours and being excluded, I need to know if it's me who is/has the issue? He'll ignore me in favour of his phone, even when I try to speak to him. Am I overreacting? Is he just concentrating? I don't really know what I should do, approaching the subject just leads to a disagreement. We can't do anything together without the phone being a constant feature. I should be clear that I don't expect him to speak to me all of the time, all day long, but a little message throughout the day would be nice. Spending time together without him always on his phone would be nice too. I feel like I'm going to be told that I'm just being controlling, I need to hear it from someone else so I can let it go.

Will he text you back if you text him? Maybe text him when you are sitting next to him in the sofa to make your point?

I don't think either of you are right or wrong, you just enjoy relaxing different ways.

I wouldn't be best pleased if my DP wanted to tell me I couldn't relax in the way I prefer because they thought I should do things their way. But there should be some room for negotiation so you get some chatting time too.

Usually with 1 word answers. I'll ask how his day is, he'll send a thumbs up or "ok", then that's it. I'll ask more about his day and he'll tell me he's busy. It's not as if I'm doing this every day either, I just care about/take an interest in how his day is going. I considered messaging him when he's next to me, but I thought I'd look silly if I'm over reacting.

Hey stompy,

I don't have an issue with him using his phone at all, I mind that it's all of the time. He admitted that his screen time is upwards of 6/7 hours a day. Our children will speak to him, if the phone is up then he ignores them. That's my issue. I don't need 24/7 pandering and I don't need someone else for me to be able to relax.

Your husband has checked out of your relationship, and he isn't putting in the attention and consideration a healthy relationship needs to grow.

Your marriage isn't working. Your husband knows his excessive phone use bothers you yet he still chooses that phone over you. His lack of respect for your feelings is very, very telling.

I would not put up with this.

I read an article once which said one of the secrets of a long happy marriage was always to put down what you are doing when the other one speaks to you. So if you're reading a book, on your phone, whatever. You are showing that you rate whatever you are doing as less important than your spouse. Obvioysly you can't drive each other nuts with this, and SOME downtime is important too, but not all day every day.
Your husband may be doing it unintentionally, but he's acting as if his phone is more important than you. Have you told him this is how you feel? Will he agree to make time for you? If he doesn't realise the error of his ways, I think you have a problem. Basically, are you his priority? If yes, his actions need to show that and he needs to make changes.

I'm assuming he's playing games/constantly messaging/reading articles/social media etc. If he's actually working or something that's different.

What is he actually doing on his phone? Scrolling? Texting people?

My dh is obsessed with sport. He follows everything so he's constantly on his phone watching for scores and updates or watching matches etc etc etc. I've no interest in sport and the constant phone use cracks me up. We made an agreement that we have one night a week which is our date night and phones aren't used unless it's an emergency and no phones during dinner. That helped us find a balance- maybe suggest similar?

YANBU I would find it very annoying on a daily basis

What is the point in living with someone like this? He sounds incredibly rude and selfish. He's obviously hooked on his phone and has no interest in his family.

Maybe rather than asking him to use his phone less generally, ask him for more specific engagement with you. Do you put down your phones to eat together? Maybe extend it to have a drink together afterwards, so you get more "phones down" time together

YANBU but it's how to turn it from an ongoing irritation to actually get the engagement you want.

That's a long the lines of how I feel. I care deeply for him, but I feel shut out. I feel everything should have a balance, I don't want to stop him doing anything he wants to do. I don't notice anyone else on their phones, it's not as though it's something I'm against. It's just that it's all the time, plus being ignored when we're apart.

He's scrolling every two minutes, texting and things like that. He does use his phone for work and I completely except that and see the difference between being busy with work and the alternative.

I don't think you're being controlling at all- this would annoy me too! It's very rude and ignorant.

It sounds like he's addicted to it. I wouldn't be happy being constantly ignored when trying to talk to him just because he's scrolling through his phone

I have to admit thats how I feel. I do find it rude. It's also a fine line between being batsh crazy and being reasonable. I needed to check im not being the latter and that I'm being considerate to him.

He could be addicted to it, it's a very hard thing to approach without being unreasonable. It's reached the point where I think it's not just my problem, that it is a problem and it's affecting me.

It sounds like he’s not interested in interacting with you or your kids anymore; just scrolling mindlessly through his phone. What’s the point in being together if he does that?

Which is how I feel, yet it feels so extreme of me to me. It feels like a me problem. Maybe I have old values, that two people in a marriage should give eachother their time.

How do I approach the subject without getting an earful?

I'd text him that you're leaving. Then leave.

You give him an ultimatum and you stick to it. As for getting an earful, you refuse to listen to his excuses.

No, surely not a you problem. What is he bringing to this relationship? How does he show you that he loves you?

DH and I are both guilty of too much scrolling but as @Gingerwright describes we will always put the phone down for a hug or a conversation. Multiple times every day. It's not needy to ask your partner how their day has been. It's neglectful of him not to ask and show an interest in how yours has been.

My DH and I agree to a few nights a week where we "phones down" from say 6pm to 9pm for example.

Mostly on a Friday and Saturday as he likes to unwind on it during the week.

We both value this undistracted time together and it is pre-agreed.