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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Favouritism between grandchildren

22 replies

Malvernmum2023 · 05/06/2023 13:21

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, aged 3 and 5. My mum has been treating my dc differently to my brother's 3yo daughter. An example is, at the weekend, we all went for a walk and my 5yo tripped over my mum's feet on a gravel path. Instread of helping, she backed away and let him fall to the ground, smirked and watched him cry before walking away and whispering 'sorry' as she walked past. A little later, my neice cried because she did not want to leave the park and she was comforting him, giving her cuddles, carrying on her head to the car. AIBU if I don't really want my mum to spend time with my kids anymore? My son was really upset about the situation.
Thanks

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 05/06/2023 13:59

Have you raised it with her? What did she say?

Original poster

Malvernmum2023 · 05/06/2023 14:40

I have before, but she denies it happens so I can't see the next step forwards.

OP posts:

TaggySitz · 05/06/2023 16:16

I dont really see how she could necessarily have caught him, it's not always that clear cut. But walking away and smirking is horrible. If this is how she is with him then she doesn't deserve to see him.

Do your kids act any differently to your brothers child? Eg bad behavior etc? It's still no excuse though.

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2023 16:22

Did your son bring it up without you asking? What did he say? Had he heard you talking about it to anyone?

It's possible your mum thought a 5 year old was more ok than a 3 yr old if that's the only incident you can point to. Or maybe she doesn't see the 3 yo much so was making more of a fuss of a grandchild she rarely sees.

If your son is noticing different treatment on his own and with no encouragement from you, then I don't think your kids can continue to see your mum regularly. Be honest with yourself there though. Even asking, "Did you notice Grandma treated you differently?" is a leaysing question. If he's overhearing you moaning to other people, stop immediately! That will really affect him when he may not have noticed anything himself.

Original poster

Malvernmum2023 · 05/06/2023 17:10

A bit of context, she lives local to my brother so sees his family more (which I think is perfectly normal and I appreciate him being there to help mum). We only see her a few times a year as we live the other side of the country.
It is not the only incident, but the one that made me question if this is usual behaviour as similar incidents happen every time we meet as a family. I saw it happen as I was walking next to him at the time so this was my observation and not a secondhand account from 5yo. He was upset and the way he described it was that she 'tripped him over' to which I explained it was probably an accident. While I appreciate she could not have prevented it, I feel it would not have been too much to help him up which she did not do.
Regarding age, I don't think this is a factor. Another time, my 3yo was playing with a toy and my mum snatched the toy out of his hand, with her reasoning being that she needed it for my brother's daughter as she liked it and might get upset if mine were playing with it leaving mine in tears (It was our toy at our house!!!).

I think some of my annoyance with this is probably rubbing off onto the kids despite trying not to talk about it in front of them. I guess they can tell?

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 05/06/2023 17:29

As a grandma myself I cannot fathom why she would be so unkind to her own GC.
I'd be having a chat in that all gc are treated equally or interaction will be lessened.

TaggySitz · 05/06/2023 17:31

If you were walking next to them maybe she thought you were going to pick your child up? She is naturally going to feel like she knows your brothers DC more if they live close and you don't, but its no excuse at all.

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2023 17:33

I think you need to bring up each incident on the day preferably and not in front of the children. Ask why and explain the consequences? Eg. Why did you not help him up? He was upset and thought you tripped him up on purpose, which he would not have thought if you had comforted him. Eg. Why did you take the toy away from my child to give to other child? My child will start to notice that. Tell her that you've noticed she seems to be kinder to your niece and you don't want the children to notice it.

Be very specific and be prepared to listen if she does have an actual answer in that specific situation (eg. I was upset he accused me of tripping him up so I didn't help him or eg. Niece was in a new house and I didn't want her to feel sad). Tell her she needs to explain these things better to you so you can explain to your kids, or she needs to explain to them. Of course if you ask her if she has favorites she will say no. But confronted with real questions, she needs to be able to give an answer. If she doesn't like the questions or can't answer them then back off from contact. You can tell her you don't want your kids to start noticing it because it will really hurt them.

BlueRabbitYellow · 05/06/2023 17:37

This is YOUR mum behaving like this? Wow. I'd trust your instincts on this and limit the time they spend with her. Hopefully they have another Gran on their Dad's side who is more well-balanced who can spoil them.

Wenfy · 05/06/2023 17:40

It’s possible she did trip him up. Have you considered that?

Sissynova · 05/06/2023 17:53

I honestly cannot imagine a scenario where an adult, let alone a grandmother, purposely trips up a 5 year old!
It just seems way more likely that you are reading into every situation.

I don’t think you can call this favouritism really, she sees the other GC regularly and sees your a handful of times a year so she just doesn’t know them as well.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/06/2023 17:56

If you think that she is hurting your children on purpose - you need to keep a greater distance between her and them. No contact (between them and her) is best. You are their protector.

If you think that she is unconsciously favouring the other GC - you can tell her and monitor to see if that changes her behaviour. Again - if it doesn't, then you need to protect your children. Keep them away from her.

Prevent them becoming attached to someone who will be careless of their feelings.

LobeliaSackville · 05/06/2023 18:00

That's really bizarre of your mum. Was she cruel to you as a child?

Dacadactyl · 05/06/2023 18:01

Also, she may be old school and think "he's a lad and a couple of years older so he should dust himself off"

But if that sort of thing wouldn't enter her head, I think it's just natural she has more of a bond with the GC she sees more often.

DingDongDenny · 05/06/2023 18:06

Is it a gender thing do you think? Does she prefer girls, or think they need more protecting than boys.

Clearly it's not right, but just wondering if it is a factor

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 18:19

I’d definitely be reducing contact and not leaving them alone with her ever. See how things go. Family aren’t always good and you get to make the choice about who is in your lives.

Holly60 · 05/06/2023 18:35

Sissynova · 05/06/2023 17:53

I honestly cannot imagine a scenario where an adult, let alone a grandmother, purposely trips up a 5 year old!
It just seems way more likely that you are reading into every situation.

I don’t think you can call this favouritism really, she sees the other GC regularly and sees your a handful of times a year so she just doesn’t know them as well.

What about taking a toy from one 3 year old to give to another, because it might upset the second one not to have it?

There is literally no excuse for her behaviour and it's definitely favouritism.

Original poster

Malvernmum2023 · 06/06/2023 07:47

Thanks for the food for thought. To be honest, I have previously called her out on these things at the time. She just shrugs and walks off. I appreciate that she has a better bond with my brother's kids, but I don't think it is unreasonable to think she might have some positive interactions with mine if we go to see her. It's been nice to hear some different perspectives, but I think I will just meet with her for lunch etc when we are close by and stop inviting her round to mine to stay. Thanks for your help :)

OP posts:

Mariluisa · 07/02/2024 12:06

HehedHolly60 · 05/06/2023 18:35

Sissynova · 05/06/2023 17:53

I honestly cannot imagine a scenario where an adult, let alone a grandmother, purposely trips up a 5 year old!
It just seems way more likely that you are reading into every situation.

I don’t think you can call this favouritism really, she sees the other GC regularly and sees your a handful of times a year so she just doesn’t know them as well.
What about taking a toy from one 3 year old to give to another, because it might upset the second one not to have it?

There is literally no excuse for her behaviour and it's definitely favouritism.

This. I agree it’s favouritism. And agree with pps who CAN imagine this scenario. Sadly there are absolutely families or family members that pull this kind of shit and relish in the power that causing such distress gives them.

My DSIS and I were sent to our paternal DGM for the the summer when young. An aunt in her early 20s, still living at home, grabbed one of us by the hand any time we arrived back at theirs after a car ride. She’d say ‘let’s away from Mariluisa’ or my DSIS’s name, and run off up the road with one of us, leaving the other crying. This is just one example of what she did to us

SJM1988 · 07/02/2024 12:15

Honestly I wouldn't want to spend time with my Mum or MIL if they behaved like that.

For what its worth though, my ILs live the other side of the world. We see them every 18 months - 2 years ish. They have 2 GC here and 3 GC in their country. They treat all the GCs the same. When they come and visit us they have just a good a bond with my kids as they do with my BIL and SIL's kids. They are all treated the same. Just because you don't live near or see a parent frequently doesn't mean that they can use that as an excuse as to favouriting another GC.

DewinDwl · 07/02/2024 12:25

My MIL treats my DS and DD completely different. DD gets away with everything - the same behaviour gets DS told off and sometimes screamed at - he is younger if that makes a difference. As a result I minimise the time we spend with her and I intervene every time there's an issue.

When they were younger I thought it was me seeing things that weren't there as MIL and I have had our ups and downs. Then one day after an incident DS burst into tears and said "grandma hates me!". He was only 4. I don't know what her problem is but sure as hell I am protecting my kids from it. We only see her a few times a year.

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 07/02/2024 12:43

What happened with the toy? Did she steal it take it from the house to give to her other grandchild?

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